#SBC Day 4: On Narcism, Fitness and Social Media

Yesterday, I posted an article to my facebook wall: People Who Post Their Fitness routine to Facebook have psychological problems, study claims. As expected, an interesting conversation broke out.

I don't tend to post my fitness practices to Facebook very often, anymore. I will sometimes post pictures of very specific things: new work out gear that makes me look cute, a PR run distance or speed, a comment about how nice it is to get back to the gym after an injury. But it's really unusual for me to comment every single day and tell people I am am going to/have come from/am currently in the gym.

That being said, I'd wager that about 80% of my feed is health and fitness related. I'm not entirely sure that this should be surprising to anyone; fitness and health are pretty big parts of my life. Not only do I work in the field (in four different capacities), but it is also my full time field of study. When it comes to the 'time motion analysis' of my life- thinking, writing and practicing health and fitness account for roughly 50% of my energy spent.

My friend Shannon shares a similar story. While fitness and health are neither her profession nor her field of study, they are absolutely massive parts of her life. Like me, Shannon experienced a massive weight loss following the integration of changes to her daily living practices- including going to the gym. Her response to my thread was the most interesting to me: "I post my workout routines. It is something that takes a significant part of my time and is an integral part of my life. If I didn't post about my workout stuff, I wouldn't really have much else to talk about."

I hear you, friend. If someone told me that I wasn't allowed to talk about my fitness/exercise passion anymore...well, I'd become awfully boring. And, like my professor said to me in an email last week, "the passion you have for this industry shines in your writing."

This is my passion. It is what I love.
Of course, I love other things too. But I post about those other things too.
My kids. My friendships. My marriage.

Sometimes I even post about things I am not passionate about, or things that make me angry.
I am doing that less and less lately. I don't want to immerse myself or others in more pain than is necessary. I am choosing my 'dark' topics more carefully.

Of course, I get in trouble for those 'dark' posts. I've even had people complain to my mommy about it. (*eye roll*)

And interestingly enough, I've read article that use the exact same shame tactics as the fitness one cited about for virtually every single topics I like to post about:

My Adventures in Parenting..

My Happy Marriage.

What I had for dinner.

Well, ok- maybe not that one. I am super duper not a food poster. But my point is this- I can probably find an article for every type of Facebook post that slams it as either narcissistic, oversharing, humble bragging, sanctimonious, or otherwise 'annoying' (See here, and here and here)

Yes, even cute posts of pets and memes of kitties made the annoying lists. Nothing is sacred.

That's quite the list of things I need to 'not' do on my social media stream.

Interestingly enough, there aren't as many lists about things that I 'should' do. And those that do are...well, pretty terrible.

Now, I have a bit of a theory on this phenomenon. Apparently, studies show that 75% of people admit that they use Facebook as a way of judging other people.  Because judging other people and belittling them makes us feel better about our lives.

So my theory is this: There is literally nothing you can write about on Facebook that will spare you from the ire of other. 

Here's what I learned during the extensive (10 minutes) of research I did on this topic:

To be a 'good' Facebooker:

• I should be happy, but not too happy or it's clearly fake. 
• I should share good news, but only if it isn't seen as being a humble-brag. 
• I should post pictures- but not of my husband, my children, my food, my vacation or myself (unless taken by someone else).
•  I should be aware of news events- all of them, or else I clearly don't care about the lives of every human- but I shouldn't be too negative, despite the fact that epic levels of tragedy happen literally every day. 
• I am allowed to be proud of myself and of my life, but only to the extent that it doesn't make anyone else feel insecure about theirs. 
• Only post support for the right political candidates. Who are the right candidates? Well, that depends...
• I should consider and predict the individual reactions of all 1000 people on my Facebook feed at every single minute of every single day and ensure that nothing I say makes anyone feel uncomfortable. Ever. 

So...clearly this isn't what we would call 'feasible'. It's impossible, really. No matter what you write about, someone on the Facebook Police Squad is going to think that you are a terrible human being. 

And the thing is, that no matter what you post- or the intention behind it- you actually have zero control over how it is perceived. 

It's kind of like the explanation vs excuse thing. The only actual difference is how the person on the receiving end of the information wants to interpret it. If they feel sympathetic to you, it's an explanation. If they don't, it's an excuse.

If a person actually legitimately cares about you, your Facebook feed is likely to not bother them at all (or only a little). But if you are on their list solely for the purpose of being judged...well, it doesn't really matter what you write- they are going to judge it.

Years ago, I made a joke facebook status that read: You're so vain. You probably think this post is about you..."

I woke up to dozens of messages from people who actually thought it was.

So back to the original article: Apparently my fitness posts are both narcissistic and insecure.

I can admit to being insecure. I can even admit to being insecure about my body, my body choices, and my strong desire to have my body choices validated by others. This is what a culture of body shaming does to us. I'd be blown away if *most* of us didn't have significant body image insecurities. I'm working on overcoming these. It's a process.

As for narcissistic- well, I'm not sure I'd go quite that far. I'm definitely self-centered at times. And can be egocentric. And I'm sure that I have my moments of flirting with narcissism. So sure, ok- I'll take that hit too.

I am both insecure, and (at times) narcissistic. And I suppose that most aspects of my life sometimes reflect these qualities. And Facebook is where I share my life. So...

That being said, I'd like to challenge those who conducted this study to doing another one, in a similar vein. I would really like to know the psychological traits of those who read my status update and- in it- see an attack or a validation on their own character.

I would be very curious to know about the insecure traits of someone reading about how I went for a run today, and somehow translating that into "you are a bad person for not running", two things that are not actually related in the slightest.

I would be curious to know why pictures of my husband and I make others feel insecure about their own marriages.

Or why my 'fake' claims of actually being really happy and fulfilled in my parenting experiences most of the time make others feel like they aren't good parents.

The entire premise of posting a status update is self-centered. It's supposed to be. It's an update about you- the 'self'- and your own thoughts.

But what strikes me as really self-centered is the notion that we a) should have the right to dictate or shame what other people write about, b) that people should curate their own feed based on how you feel about their posts, c) that it is totally legitimate to assume that every person's post was actually written as a way to make you feel bad about yourself.

This might be one of the most 'narcissistic' and 'self-centered' things I ever post on social media, but I'll be pretty blunt here:

99% of what I post on social media has nothing to do with you. When I curate my feed, I curate it to make sure that it is not racist, sexist, ableist, or unnecessarily unkind, triggering or oppressive.

But what I post about my life I post because it is important to me.
Facebook is where I go to record my life. It's like a living journal. It's both deeply personal and (shockingly?) public, simultaneously.

And (for the most part) it brings me great joy.

Sure, sometimes it is boastful, or braggy, or only shows the highlight reel. But shockingly enough, I don't owe you or anyone else anything different. I have the right to post what I want, as I see fit. And if it isn't your bag, you have the option to unfollow or unfriend me.

Or, you know, you could just scroll past and move on with your day, remembering that not every post is going to appeal to you, or be about you.