A wonderful and beautiful friend commented on a picture that I shared today and her words really got me thinking:
I am, and always will be, a strong advocate for body positivity and celebrating bodies at any/every size. I do not believe in judging a person's worth by their mass, volume or density. I believe that inside every body is a person, and that this is what should be celebrated. And I believe that all bodies are beautiful testaments to the diversity of humanity.
And yet...I have set out this year to massively transform my body's relationship with gravity, as well as my body's physical form. There is no doubt that what started as a burning desire to simply become stronger eventually morphed into a quest for a reduced body fat percentage and a lower numeric digit on my scale.
While strength, agility, flexibility and overall athleticism remain my targets, I have used my scale- among other tools- as a measure of the progress I was making towards a better understanding of my body and its capacity to achieve.
So yes. Though I have found multiple euphemisms to describe it differently, there is no doubt about it. I have been 'dieting', in the most traditional sense of the word.
Does that make me disingenuous? And, beyond that, can others recognize the accomplishment of my goals as something to be celebrated and lauded?
This is a complex question, and one that I have been wrestling with since I lost my first 20 lbs and people started to notice the changes in my body.
For what it's worth, I'm not alone in this. As I struggled, I found other bloggers who shared similar confusion about how to reconcile their body-positive beliefs and their desire to lose weight. One of the best posts I read was by someone named Greta Christina, and it can be read here. She poignantly writes:
And as much as I want my weight loss to purely be about my health, the reality is that, now that I'm in the process, it's become more about my appearance than I'd like. I really don't want that: I find it politically troubling and emotionally toxic, and I think in the long run it'll undermine what I'm trying to do. But it's hard. As much as I like to think of myself as a free-spirited, convention- defying rebel, the reality is that I'm a social animal, and social animals care about what other animals think of them.
And just like that, she took the words right out of my heart...with a spoon...cause it sure hurts to admit them.
I loved myself when I was fat. I really did. And I appreciated my fat body. And I was loved for the person that I was inside it.
But, let's face it. The world didn't love my fat body. The world is ignorant and cruel and judgmental.
And now, the world is kind. The world is respectful. The world is even admiring me.
And it isn't fair. And it isn't right. But it feels good. Because being treated so poorly for so long, I had forgotten what it was like when you aren't actually outcasted from society's good graces. I had forgotten how easy the royal court of social acceptance could be.
And this is the last monster that I need to slay: the monster inside my own mind that is still under the constant bombardment of body-shaming strategies that are so deeply ingrained in our social consciousness that we fool ourselves into thinking that they aren't there.
I don't like my thin body better than I liked my fat one. Quite the opposite, actually. I am much, much harder on myself at a size 6 than I ever was at a size 16.
But I do like how people treat my thin body better than how they treated my fat body. It is easy and comfortable to blend in and to be seen as a valuable human being...
And so now you all know my secret. I have been feeling like a fraud for a very long time, and it feels good to finally come clean.
For my fat friends: I am so sorry. And I am trying to do better.
For my thin friends: I am so sorry. And I am trying to do better.
As for society as a whole: You suck. Seriously. When it comes to bodies, you suck.
Living with you is like a toxic domestic relationship. You hurt me so badly, so repeatedly, for so long that I am now at the point were I am crying in gratitude if you so much as go one day without making me feel ashamed and self-loathing, let alone actually treat me with kindness and dignity.
Now, more than ever, my self-esteem is controlled- dominated- by your opinion of me; of who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.
So here is the ugly truth: I am one of the most body positive people I have ever met...with everyone except myself.
So now what? Well, I guess I ask for your patience as I continue to work through these really difficult, complex emotions. And I ask for your support in doing so by urging you to talk to me in ways that remind me of my own body positivity and keep me from fat-shaming myself.
Which brings us back to the main question: Can you compliment me on my weight loss without engaging in fat shaming?
The short answer is yes. You can. It requires diligent effort, but you can.
You can tell me that you are proud of me for sticking to my goals, and for pushing myself and my body in new and exciting directions.
You can recognize the time, effort, sweat, tears, and continuous dedication and commitment that it takes to go through a massive weight reduction/physical activity transformation.
You can tell me that my weight loss has inspired you to consider your own body choices, and even possibly engage in your own journey of self-discovery, whatever that may look like to you.
You can tell me that I look beautiful, and then- on those days where I lose grip of the bigger picture, you can remind me that I am beautiful every day regardless of my body fat percentage is, and that I always was.
There are countless ways to celebrate with me without shaming me and other fat people.
But there are some things to stay far away from:
1. "You look so much better now"- anything that compares me to what I used to look like in a way that presumes that I am a better/more attractive/healthier/etc. person now than I used to be is fat shaming. This includes "You must feel so much better about yourself" or "I bet you wish you had done this years ago." For more on why these don't apply to me, please refer to this post.
2. "If only everyone had your determination, commitment, strength, fortitude, etc." Presuming that other people should follow in my footsteps is fat shaming. Every person has a unique journey with their body. There is no need for every person to reduce their body size. In fact, there is no need for ANY person to reduce their body size if they don't want to. Beyond that, it is ableist to assume that every person CAN reduce their body size. Please do not compare other people to me.
3. "Your husband must be thrilled." My husband married a fat woman. He has always loved my body, in any size. He is thrilled that I am feeling good about my accomplishments. But my size has simply not impacted our relationship in any way, sexually or otherwise.
4. "Fat/Unhealthy/Overweight/Obese/etc. people just need to <insert catch phrase about diet/weight loss/healthy food/etc. here> Seriously. Don't make assertions about what other people need to do with their bodies. It isn't any of your damn business. No two fat bodies are created alike and fatness is a much more complex phenomenon than the fitness and/or 'medical' industries would have you believe.
Don't engage in fat-shaming, whether passively or directly. Because it hurts everyone. I know this because I was fat recently enough to remember how being socially ostracized because of fatness felt. And I am thin enough now to know the double edged sword of fat shaming, which is that the fear of that social bullying lingers inside us all and terrifies us into aspiring for virtually unachievable levels of body perfection.
Because fat shaming is body shaming. And all of us have bodies, and all of us are impacted by the consequences of body shaming as a whole. No one wins in the race to the smallest waist size or the leanest arms. The only way to 'win' at this game is 1) to love yourself, from the beginning of your goals and all the way until you crush them, and beyond. And, 2) as you do so, show body positivity to the world and call out fat shaming/body shaming when and where you see it, because these social institutions that marginalize and demean people based on their body size will not crumble without massive pressure.
I have the second point pretty much down pat...but I'm still working on the first part. My body isn't the only part of me being transformed, and my emotions and psyche still need to catch up to all of my awesome physical victories.
So please be patient and kind with me, and I promise to continue doing the same to you.
But there are some things to stay far away from:
1. "You look so much better now"- anything that compares me to what I used to look like in a way that presumes that I am a better/more attractive/healthier/etc. person now than I used to be is fat shaming. This includes "You must feel so much better about yourself" or "I bet you wish you had done this years ago." For more on why these don't apply to me, please refer to this post.
2. "If only everyone had your determination, commitment, strength, fortitude, etc." Presuming that other people should follow in my footsteps is fat shaming. Every person has a unique journey with their body. There is no need for every person to reduce their body size. In fact, there is no need for ANY person to reduce their body size if they don't want to. Beyond that, it is ableist to assume that every person CAN reduce their body size. Please do not compare other people to me.
3. "Your husband must be thrilled." My husband married a fat woman. He has always loved my body, in any size. He is thrilled that I am feeling good about my accomplishments. But my size has simply not impacted our relationship in any way, sexually or otherwise.
4. "Fat/Unhealthy/Overweight/Obese/etc. people just need to <insert catch phrase about diet/weight loss/healthy food/etc. here> Seriously. Don't make assertions about what other people need to do with their bodies. It isn't any of your damn business. No two fat bodies are created alike and fatness is a much more complex phenomenon than the fitness and/or 'medical' industries would have you believe.
Don't engage in fat-shaming, whether passively or directly. Because it hurts everyone. I know this because I was fat recently enough to remember how being socially ostracized because of fatness felt. And I am thin enough now to know the double edged sword of fat shaming, which is that the fear of that social bullying lingers inside us all and terrifies us into aspiring for virtually unachievable levels of body perfection.
Because fat shaming is body shaming. And all of us have bodies, and all of us are impacted by the consequences of body shaming as a whole. No one wins in the race to the smallest waist size or the leanest arms. The only way to 'win' at this game is 1) to love yourself, from the beginning of your goals and all the way until you crush them, and beyond. And, 2) as you do so, show body positivity to the world and call out fat shaming/body shaming when and where you see it, because these social institutions that marginalize and demean people based on their body size will not crumble without massive pressure.
I have the second point pretty much down pat...but I'm still working on the first part. My body isn't the only part of me being transformed, and my emotions and psyche still need to catch up to all of my awesome physical victories.
So please be patient and kind with me, and I promise to continue doing the same to you.
