Self-Care and The Oxygen Mask Dilemma

I talk a lot about self-care in this blog. To me, this is the foundation of health and wellness. Self-care, while broad as a concept, generally refers to the intentional, planned and executed attention to ones personal needs (biological, emotional, psychological and spiritual). It has been the theme of my life for the last twelve months, and has allowed me to make massive changes towards improved balance, health and happiness. 

When I was a new mother, my family of three decided to trot our way across the country to visit our extended family. I was well prepared for travel with a two month old baby; I had done all the reading, had packed enough to last us an entire season, and was well equipped going into the trip. What I had underestimated was anxiety that would accompany travelling with my newfound tiny companion.

As we boarded the plane, the anxiety began to settle in...All of a sudden, worst case scenarios like the plane crashing to one of the Great Lakes seemed not so remote. In fact, I was practically convinced that they would happen.

As the flight attendant took us through the emergency safety procedures, I remember distinctly paying attention for the first time. After all, these were the instructions that would save my baby's life when if something went wrong.

When she got to the section concerning oxygen masks, I remember my brain and my heart having a very real conversation with each other. Like the devil and angel on my shoulders, my two very distinct thought processes were in conflict.

My brain, the logical and practical side of me, understood clearly the importance of ensuring that my own oxygen mask was placed firmly on my own face before attempting to apply one to my child. But my heart...well, it was having a hard time with that instruction. After all, my tiny baby and his tiny lungs had to take first priority- even over my own life!

I remember thinking: I would never place my own safety ahead of my child's. They can say all they want that it is more important for me to have oxygen than my child, but they are wrong. His needs come first, now and always. 

It may have been my first 'mama bear' moment.

Mama Bear moments are not always rational.

Of course I had to place my mask on myself first. This wasn't about putting my needs ahead of my child. It was about making sure that I was able to actually meet my child's needs. After all, what use would I be to my baby if I have passed out from lack of oxygen?

In a crisis, our instincts take over. And my parenting instinct would have told me to attend to my child. But my instincts, in this case, would have been misguided...likely because our instincts are based on biologically-implanted learnings from a time when airplanes and air travel didn't exist.

But even without that, the truth is that people in crisis (a term which can cover a wide gamut of life events) aren't always the best decision makers. This is why we do emergency response training and fire drills...in the hopes that we can train our brains to override our emotional instincts, and make practical, sound decisions in the face of an emergency.

Sure...but what does this have to do with self-care, you ask? 

Everything.

Generally, humans really struggle with self-care. This is likely the result of several social and environmental factors, none of which are areas that I am knowledgeable enough of to expand upon. But the fact is that, in today's modern society, most of us have a hard time meeting all of our biological needs and we operate in a state of self-care deficit most of the time.

We don't sleep enough.

We don't eat enough, or we eat too much, or we eat things that don't help our body live maximally.

We don't engage in play or recreation. We forget to move our bodies in ways that help regulate our system.

We neglect the importance of social contact. We neglect the importance of solitary recharging. We neglect the need for silence and calmness. We neglect the need for things that stir the soul and engage our spirits and souls with the physical world.

Many of us- most of us, I would actually wager to guess- would say that we often feel like we are going through the motions of life instead of actually living.

And it is unsustainable.

We simply can not deprive ourselves of our basic needs and expect to live fulfilled lives.  There will always be consequences- physical, emotional, social, spiritual or psychological. You simply can not ignore your basic needs and not become unwell.

Unfortunately, by the time we realize this, we are usually in a state of full on crisis, where we are so overwhelmed that we can't possibly conceive of trying to find ways to thrive.

We think to ourselves: "I can barely keep our heads above the water- let alone stop for a breath of fresh air in the park."  Our instincts have us in survival mode- a full on flight or fight- and the idea of making any changes, positive though they might be, sets us into a panic. We think of all the people we will let down, all the things that will go undone, all the weight of the world that rests squarely on our shoulders...

And that is exactly when we need to remember about the oxygen mask story. 

Because an emotional crisis is very much like drowning, or losing all air in a plane.

In a zero-oxygen situation, you can not help others, in any way, if you are barely conscious. You need to get your own mask on your face and ensure that you can breathe properly before attending to the needs of those around. This is not selfish. This is smart. This is what allows you to help them.

This is self-care.

It is learned. It is in planned. It is intentional. And it is life-saving 101.

It is the same principle that we must apply to our lives as often as humanly possible.

Meeting our own basic physiological needs is not a luxury.
Meeting our own basic emotional needs is not indulgence.
Meeting our own basic intellectual, psychological, and spiritual needs is not selfish.

And even though it may sometimes come at a cost, ensuring that our own health and wellness is under control is unquestionably the best thing we can do for those we love and for those who depend on us.

This is as true for caregivers (parents of young children, those who care for seniors, the disabled or others requiring additional levels of support) as it is for those who feel a strong sense of duty to their work, to their spouses, to their community or to their vocations.

We all have obligations. Yes, some are more pressing than others. And yes, there are times where you must sacrifice your own needs in order to attend to an emergent situation or someone else's immediate crisis.

For example, I don't recommend ignoring a crying child through the night, just so you can ensure you get your seven hours of sleep.

But these decisions must be intentionally made, with due consideration to the current priorities and needs and with an understanding that there must be a healthy balance between caring for the needs of others and caring for yourself.

At some point, the parent of that sleepless child will simply need to sleep. The body will demand it. Not sleeping becomes extremely dangerous and unhealthy, and can lead to devastating consequences for both the parent and the child. So, while you may not sleep *tonight*, you must- as you make that choice- also begin to plan out when you *will* sleep and how that will happen. And, if you are unable to make that happen on your own, you must begin to intentionally plan out ways to find additional supports that will assist you in making that happen.

The self care nursing theory outlines eight different categories that are critical to self care:

Air.
Water.
Food.
Elimination.
Activity and Rest.
Solitude and social interaction.
Hazard Prevention.
The promotion of normality (whatever 'normal' means to the individual).

Personally, I would add two more: 

Sense of self worth and self fulfillment. 

Sense of being loved and of loving others.

These are the basic needs without which a human being can not thrive. You not only owe these to yourself; you have the responsibility to others to ensure that you have balanced them such that you are to assist with the needs of others in a way that is healthy and helpful for all parties.

I understand that this is easier said than done, and over the next few weeks I will be writing out posts on how to shift you life in order to prioritize self-care, even when in a state of crisis.

But the first step to caring for your own needs is understanding why it is important to put the oxygen mask on your own face before helping you infant baby. If you don't understand and recognize this as a fundamental step, you will simply not be able to follow through with it in the event that a crisis hits. And without air, neither you, nor your beautiful loved ones, will survive.

Taking care of your self is the most caring thing you can do for others. 

One Thing

We all know that it can be overwhelming to take on a life transforming journey of wellness. Even now, I still feel intimidated by all the changes I still need to make.

This is why I choose to focus on the One Thing mantra:

What is ONE THING that I can do today to make myself life a happier, more balanced life?

The nice thing about the "One Thing" mantra is you can change the  "one thing" every day. So, depending on your needs for that day, the one thing can be health, wellness, leisure, etc.

My one thing is always something additional to my every day habits (or taking something out, if I am choosing to eliminate something from my life for a day). So if I already work out daily, I don't tend to choose my work out as my one thing...unless I woke up in the morning and REALLY didn't want to do it. I try to find new and creative ways to energize my sense of self and of self worth.

Sometimes, my one thing is a nap. Sometimes, my one thing is more water. Sometimes, my one thing is an extra serving of desert or a glass of wine.

For the most part, my one thing usually has to do with my mental health, because that's the area that I need the most support with right now. But it really can be anything. Heck, sometimes I choose cleaning my bedroom because I hate that it has gotten messy and I want to feel good about it when I go to sleep!

I know you think that you'll always choose "unhealthy" but "short term feel good things". And you know what? You might at first. And that's ok. This is about empowerment, and feeling control over your body, your choices and your life.

Once you feel that sense of control, inspiration to make better choices often follows. But for now, choose one thing that is about you, your your happiness, and your life.

Do it now. Do it daily.

Do it until you never have to think about it again, because choosing happiness and health has become ingrained in you!

You deserve at least one thing that makes you happier. Once you believe that, your journey is already under way...

A Letter To My Formerly Fat Body

Dear Formerly Fat Body,

It's been a while since I sat down to actually have a mental conversation with you. Over a year, actually. Back then, I looked at you in the mirror and we made a pact: it was time to start making changes, for both of our sake.

You remember that day, back in late March 2014.

This is what you looked like then, after your first work out:

In this picture, you weighed 226 lbs. You had surprised yourself by learning that you had lost 28 pounds in the previous two months (You had been weighed by a doctor in late January), and somehow hadn't noticed...

I remember taking that picture…and I remember being struck by how tired I looked, after only a 30 minute work out…I wasn't looking at the rolls of fat around my waist, or the size of my double chin. I was amazed that this was one of the few pictures in existence where I looked like I had worked hard at something.

And I felt great.

There have been many pictures like this one since then. But this one was the first. It is the closest thing I have to a 'before' picture. And it is very special to me. It is the "Once upon a time…" in our happily ever after. It was the day I realized "I can do this!" for the very first time.

And I love it.

But that's not something I am supposed to talk about.

You see, the world thinks that I should be ashamed of what you looked like during that decade of morbid obesity. And the world wants me to celebrate how my body looks now by shaming and demeaning the way it looked before.

And Body, I can't do that to you. And I can't do that to myself.

You see, you were the body that fought off a life threatening disease.

You were the body I lived in when I fell in love and married the most wonderful human being I have ever known.

You were the body that conquered infertility, withstanding nine pregnancy losses before finally gifting me my two beautiful children.

You celebrated Christmases, anniversaries, birthdays, and thousands of special 'every days', all of which form my entire lived history.

You were there for all of the good. And you were there for all of the bad. You were strong when my spirit fell apart. And when you were weak, my spirit was there to pick you up.

Together, we did some amazing things.

Fourteen months ago, I remember looking in the mirror and having a deep conversation with you. I thought about the good times. I thought about the bad times. I thought about all the things I hated about myself. And I thought about all the things that I loved and that make me who I am.

And you, body- my friend til the end- you responded the exact same way you always have:

I am here for you. I will help you do what you need to do.

So we embarked on an amazing journey of self-discovery. After years of putting our own needs second to the needs of others and to the intensity and unpredictability of life, we set course to find out who we were and what we were made of.

We made a lot of discoveries along the way. We discovered that, even though we would never dream of not feeding our children, we often forgot to feed ourselves. We discovered that, even though the idea of physically moving was scary, everything about it actually made us feel better. We discovered that some of the choices we were making in terms of time, energy, and effort were misplaced.

Together, we redefined our lives. We overcame obstacles. We did what we never knew was possible.

And now, here I am, in what they tell me is my "new" body:

This body is lighter now- 85.3 lbs lighter, to be precise. It is smaller by a whopping 61 inches, and down 10 dresses sizes, from a 16/18 to a 6/8. It is faster, more agile and stronger in ways that I can't even begin to adequately quantify. I really like this body a lot.

So, I can understand why people think that I am now in a "new" body.

But you and I know the truth, Fat Body. The skin I live in is unchanged. The bones holding up my smaller frame are the bones that held up my larger one.

My 'fat body' and my 'thin body' have always been the same body. You really aren't my 'before' body at all. You are my only body, plain and simple. And to shame you for how you used to look is to shame for me who I used to be.

People feel oddly entitled to tell me who I used to be now. Usually, they aren't so explicit as to come right and tell me that they thought I was lazy, or had no self-respect, or that I was overwhelmed by bad habits. But they don't need to come right out and say it…you and I both know that that's what they are getting at when they say things like:

"You must be so much happier now" (You must not have been very happy back then.)
 or
"You always had such a pretty face, but now you have the body to match it!" (Your body made you unattractive.)
or
"I think it's awesome that you have learned how to eat more healthy." (The reason you were obese is because you made bad choices.)

The list could go on and on…it seems like there's a new line to add every day. But the one that really gets to me is this one, which I have heard more often than all of the others combined:

"Being healthy is about self-respect/respecting your body/loving yourself/etc."

Ouch.

That one? It translates to this: You did not have any respect for your body before you lost weight. 

And Body? You and I both know that isn't true. I have always had MAD respect for you.

Contrary to popular belief, it was not neglect or loathing that led to my obesity. It was a complex combination of genetics and of life events (illness, pregnancies, depression, medications, and multiple surgeries) that created a situation where my self-care had to be directed towards other physical and mental needs. This does not mean that I did not have self-care, or self-respect. It simply meant that what I needed to do to care for myself required energy spent in different areas of my 'self' than my calorie intake/output.

And, last year- thirteen months after having giving birth to my last baby, when I was finally in a place where my mental and emotional needs were no longer in crisis, you and I decided that it was time to turn some attention to my physical needs.

We did not do this because I loathed you, or because I was embarrassed to inhabit you.
We did this because I loved you.

Just as you had supported my brain, my heart and my soul when I needed you to, it was time for my brain, my heart and my soul to now support you and do things that would make you operate more healthily and more optimally.

That's not an abusive relationship. That's a healthy one. We give to each other when the other is in need, and we take from the other when we are in need. We work as a team, as a unit…as one person- mind, body, and soul.  And our work here isn't done. We still have goals to crush. We still have mountains to climb. We still have long and rich life to lead.

And we will do it together. Because there is no 'me' without 'you'.

So no, I will not feel ashamed of where we have come from. I will not cast my fat body aside, as if it is somehow discarded from my past. I will not define myself now by the very things I hated being defined as back then.

Because when I look at this:

I don't want to look at it with shame or regret. I want to remember how happy I was in that moment. And I want to know that you were there with me, the entire time, carrying the extra weight that life had put on our shoulders.

You've carried that extra weight for a really long time now…

And it has been my pleasure and joy to be able to finally lift that load.

Thank you, Former Fat Body/Current Thinner Body. I couldn't have done this without you.

Love,
Zita