A Letter To My Formerly Fat Body

Dear Formerly Fat Body,

It's been a while since I sat down to actually have a mental conversation with you. Over a year, actually. Back then, I looked at you in the mirror and we made a pact: it was time to start making changes, for both of our sake.

You remember that day, back in late March 2014.

This is what you looked like then, after your first work out:

In this picture, you weighed 226 lbs. You had surprised yourself by learning that you had lost 28 pounds in the previous two months (You had been weighed by a doctor in late January), and somehow hadn't noticed...

I remember taking that picture…and I remember being struck by how tired I looked, after only a 30 minute work out…I wasn't looking at the rolls of fat around my waist, or the size of my double chin. I was amazed that this was one of the few pictures in existence where I looked like I had worked hard at something.

And I felt great.

There have been many pictures like this one since then. But this one was the first. It is the closest thing I have to a 'before' picture. And it is very special to me. It is the "Once upon a time…" in our happily ever after. It was the day I realized "I can do this!" for the very first time.

And I love it.

But that's not something I am supposed to talk about.

You see, the world thinks that I should be ashamed of what you looked like during that decade of morbid obesity. And the world wants me to celebrate how my body looks now by shaming and demeaning the way it looked before.

And Body, I can't do that to you. And I can't do that to myself.

You see, you were the body that fought off a life threatening disease.

You were the body I lived in when I fell in love and married the most wonderful human being I have ever known.

You were the body that conquered infertility, withstanding nine pregnancy losses before finally gifting me my two beautiful children.

You celebrated Christmases, anniversaries, birthdays, and thousands of special 'every days', all of which form my entire lived history.

You were there for all of the good. And you were there for all of the bad. You were strong when my spirit fell apart. And when you were weak, my spirit was there to pick you up.

Together, we did some amazing things.

Fourteen months ago, I remember looking in the mirror and having a deep conversation with you. I thought about the good times. I thought about the bad times. I thought about all the things I hated about myself. And I thought about all the things that I loved and that make me who I am.

And you, body- my friend til the end- you responded the exact same way you always have:

I am here for you. I will help you do what you need to do.

So we embarked on an amazing journey of self-discovery. After years of putting our own needs second to the needs of others and to the intensity and unpredictability of life, we set course to find out who we were and what we were made of.

We made a lot of discoveries along the way. We discovered that, even though we would never dream of not feeding our children, we often forgot to feed ourselves. We discovered that, even though the idea of physically moving was scary, everything about it actually made us feel better. We discovered that some of the choices we were making in terms of time, energy, and effort were misplaced.

Together, we redefined our lives. We overcame obstacles. We did what we never knew was possible.

And now, here I am, in what they tell me is my "new" body:

This body is lighter now- 85.3 lbs lighter, to be precise. It is smaller by a whopping 61 inches, and down 10 dresses sizes, from a 16/18 to a 6/8. It is faster, more agile and stronger in ways that I can't even begin to adequately quantify. I really like this body a lot.

So, I can understand why people think that I am now in a "new" body.

But you and I know the truth, Fat Body. The skin I live in is unchanged. The bones holding up my smaller frame are the bones that held up my larger one.

My 'fat body' and my 'thin body' have always been the same body. You really aren't my 'before' body at all. You are my only body, plain and simple. And to shame you for how you used to look is to shame for me who I used to be.

People feel oddly entitled to tell me who I used to be now. Usually, they aren't so explicit as to come right and tell me that they thought I was lazy, or had no self-respect, or that I was overwhelmed by bad habits. But they don't need to come right out and say it…you and I both know that that's what they are getting at when they say things like:

"You must be so much happier now" (You must not have been very happy back then.)
 or
"You always had such a pretty face, but now you have the body to match it!" (Your body made you unattractive.)
or
"I think it's awesome that you have learned how to eat more healthy." (The reason you were obese is because you made bad choices.)

The list could go on and on…it seems like there's a new line to add every day. But the one that really gets to me is this one, which I have heard more often than all of the others combined:

"Being healthy is about self-respect/respecting your body/loving yourself/etc."

Ouch.

That one? It translates to this: You did not have any respect for your body before you lost weight. 

And Body? You and I both know that isn't true. I have always had MAD respect for you.

Contrary to popular belief, it was not neglect or loathing that led to my obesity. It was a complex combination of genetics and of life events (illness, pregnancies, depression, medications, and multiple surgeries) that created a situation where my self-care had to be directed towards other physical and mental needs. This does not mean that I did not have self-care, or self-respect. It simply meant that what I needed to do to care for myself required energy spent in different areas of my 'self' than my calorie intake/output.

And, last year- thirteen months after having giving birth to my last baby, when I was finally in a place where my mental and emotional needs were no longer in crisis, you and I decided that it was time to turn some attention to my physical needs.

We did not do this because I loathed you, or because I was embarrassed to inhabit you.
We did this because I loved you.

Just as you had supported my brain, my heart and my soul when I needed you to, it was time for my brain, my heart and my soul to now support you and do things that would make you operate more healthily and more optimally.

That's not an abusive relationship. That's a healthy one. We give to each other when the other is in need, and we take from the other when we are in need. We work as a team, as a unit…as one person- mind, body, and soul.  And our work here isn't done. We still have goals to crush. We still have mountains to climb. We still have long and rich life to lead.

And we will do it together. Because there is no 'me' without 'you'.

So no, I will not feel ashamed of where we have come from. I will not cast my fat body aside, as if it is somehow discarded from my past. I will not define myself now by the very things I hated being defined as back then.

Because when I look at this:

I don't want to look at it with shame or regret. I want to remember how happy I was in that moment. And I want to know that you were there with me, the entire time, carrying the extra weight that life had put on our shoulders.

You've carried that extra weight for a really long time now…

And it has been my pleasure and joy to be able to finally lift that load.

Thank you, Former Fat Body/Current Thinner Body. I couldn't have done this without you.

Love,
Zita