When I was a new mother, my family of three decided to trot our way across the country to visit our extended family. I was well prepared for travel with a two month old baby; I had done all the reading, had packed enough to last us an entire season, and was well equipped going into the trip. What I had underestimated was anxiety that would accompany travelling with my newfound tiny companion.
As we boarded the plane, the anxiety began to settle in...All of a sudden, worst case scenarios like the plane crashing to one of the Great Lakes seemed not so remote. In fact, I was practically convinced that they would happen.
As the flight attendant took us through the emergency safety procedures, I remember distinctly paying attention for the first time. After all, these were the instructions that would save my baby's life
When she got to the section concerning oxygen masks, I remember my brain and my heart having a very real conversation with each other. Like the devil and angel on my shoulders, my two very distinct thought processes were in conflict.
My brain, the logical and practical side of me, understood clearly the importance of ensuring that my own oxygen mask was placed firmly on my own face before attempting to apply one to my child. But my heart...well, it was having a hard time with that instruction. After all, my tiny baby and his tiny lungs had to take first priority- even over my own life!
I remember thinking: I would never place my own safety ahead of my child's. They can say all they want that it is more important for me to have oxygen than my child, but they are wrong. His needs come first, now and always.
It may have been my first 'mama bear' moment.
Mama Bear moments are not always rational.
Of course I had to place my mask on myself first. This wasn't about putting my needs ahead of my child. It was about making sure that I was able to actually meet my child's needs. After all, what use would I be to my baby if I have passed out from lack of oxygen?
In a crisis, our instincts take over. And my parenting instinct would have told me to attend to my child. But my instincts, in this case, would have been misguided...likely because our instincts are based on biologically-implanted learnings from a time when airplanes and air travel didn't exist.
But even without that, the truth is that people in crisis (a term which can cover a wide gamut of life events) aren't always the best decision makers. This is why we do emergency response training and fire drills...in the hopes that we can train our brains to override our emotional instincts, and make practical, sound decisions in the face of an emergency.
Sure...but what does this have to do with self-care, you ask?
Everything.
Generally, humans really struggle with self-care. This is likely the result of several social and environmental factors, none of which are areas that I am knowledgeable enough of to expand upon. But the fact is that, in today's modern society, most of us have a hard time meeting all of our biological needs and we operate in a state of self-care deficit most of the time.
We don't sleep enough.
We don't eat enough, or we eat too much, or we eat things that don't help our body live maximally.
We don't engage in play or recreation. We forget to move our bodies in ways that help regulate our system.
We neglect the importance of social contact. We neglect the importance of solitary recharging. We neglect the need for silence and calmness. We neglect the need for things that stir the soul and engage our spirits and souls with the physical world.
Many of us- most of us, I would actually wager to guess- would say that we often feel like we are going through the motions of life instead of actually living.
And it is unsustainable.
We simply can not deprive ourselves of our basic needs and expect to live fulfilled lives. There will always be consequences- physical, emotional, social, spiritual or psychological. You simply can not ignore your basic needs and not become unwell.
Unfortunately, by the time we realize this, we are usually in a state of full on crisis, where we are so overwhelmed that we can't possibly conceive of trying to find ways to thrive.
We think to ourselves: "I can barely keep our heads above the water- let alone stop for a breath of fresh air in the park." Our instincts have us in survival mode- a full on flight or fight- and the idea of making any changes, positive though they might be, sets us into a panic. We think of all the people we will let down, all the things that will go undone, all the weight of the world that rests squarely on our shoulders...
And that is exactly when we need to remember about the oxygen mask story.
Because an emotional crisis is very much like drowning, or losing all air in a plane.
In a zero-oxygen situation, you can not help others, in any way, if you are barely conscious. You need to get your own mask on your face and ensure that you can breathe properly before attending to the needs of those around. This is not selfish. This is smart. This is what allows you to help them.
This is self-care.
It is learned. It is in planned. It is intentional. And it is life-saving 101.
It is the same principle that we must apply to our lives as often as humanly possible.
Meeting our own basic physiological needs is not a luxury.
Meeting our own basic emotional needs is not indulgence.
Meeting our own basic intellectual, psychological, and spiritual needs is not selfish.
And even though it may sometimes come at a cost, ensuring that our own health and wellness is under control is unquestionably the best thing we can do for those we love and for those who depend on us.
This is as true for caregivers (parents of young children, those who care for seniors, the disabled or others requiring additional levels of support) as it is for those who feel a strong sense of duty to their work, to their spouses, to their community or to their vocations.
We all have obligations. Yes, some are more pressing than others. And yes, there are times where you must sacrifice your own needs in order to attend to an emergent situation or someone else's immediate crisis.
For example, I don't recommend ignoring a crying child through the night, just so you can ensure you get your seven hours of sleep.
But these decisions must be intentionally made, with due consideration to the current priorities and needs and with an understanding that there must be a healthy balance between caring for the needs of others and caring for yourself.
At some point, the parent of that sleepless child will simply need to sleep. The body will demand it. Not sleeping becomes extremely dangerous and unhealthy, and can lead to devastating consequences for both the parent and the child. So, while you may not sleep *tonight*, you must- as you make that choice- also begin to plan out when you *will* sleep and how that will happen. And, if you are unable to make that happen on your own, you must begin to intentionally plan out ways to find additional supports that will assist you in making that happen.
The self care nursing theory outlines eight different categories that are critical to self care:
Air.
Water.
Food.
Elimination.
Activity and Rest.
Solitude and social interaction.
Hazard Prevention.
The promotion of normality (whatever 'normal' means to the individual).
Personally, I would add two more:
Sense of self worth and self fulfillment.
Sense of being loved and of loving others.
These are the basic needs without which a human being can not thrive. You not only owe these to yourself; you have the responsibility to others to ensure that you have balanced them such that you are to assist with the needs of others in a way that is healthy and helpful for all parties.
I understand that this is easier said than done, and over the next few weeks I will be writing out posts on how to shift you life in order to prioritize self-care, even when in a state of crisis.
But the first step to caring for your own needs is understanding why it is important to put the oxygen mask on your own face before helping you infant baby. If you don't understand and recognize this as a fundamental step, you will simply not be able to follow through with it in the event that a crisis hits. And without air, neither you, nor your beautiful loved ones, will survive.
Taking care of your self is the most caring thing you can do for others.
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