Hey, Fat-Phobe...

My response to the recent letter that is circulating called Hey Fat Girl. I encourage you to read it via this specific link, so as to not drive traffic to the site. I also encourage you to read it first, as I have style my response to be as close as possible to the original letter. 

Hey, "Nosy, Judgmental, Fat-Phobic Girl/Boy"

Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. Me, in my imperfect running form, sweating profusely, still covered in a layer of fat that reflects my age and my former body size more than it does my actual fitness level.

Your eyes are slow, making their way up and down my body, and I see in them that familiar flash: "Fat. Girl." You think to yourself. I know that look. I've seen it often enough before.

Despite your best efforts, my body makes you cringe.

You pick up your pace a bit. I can always tell when a thin girl/boy is getting ready to lap me. Maybe it's an attempt to show me up. Maybe it's just the excitement and anticipation and making it around fast enough to get a good second look at the size of my ass.

I'm sweating so much my hair is wet. It disgusts you. "Why do fat people sweat so much?" you ask yourself. But you don't know enough about fitness and physiology to actually know the answer to your own question, so you move on. You run your 20 minutes before hitting the machines. Or maybe today it is the free weights. Sometimes, you run just long enough to warm up before that awesome TRX class you are heading into.

You're strong, and lean, and toned. I get it. I noticed you flex just a little bit more when our eyes locked momentarily.

Yes. In case, you're wondering, I'm impressed. Sure. Why not.

You know I'm working hard. And at least I'm trying, right? Even if I am not as awesome as you are...at least I'm trying...

So you smile at me. That sick, sweet, condescending smile of 'encouragement'. Sometimes, you even feel compelled to talk to me. To support me. To tell me "Hey, great job (fat girl)! Keep it up!"  Sometimes, you've even gone far enough to notice that I'm holding a pretty damn good pace..."Wow, you're pretty fast! That's awesome! Great progress."

And then you go on your merry way, proud of yourself for showing such kindness onto you fellow (fat) human (sub) being. 

I've got something to say to you. 

You're a fool. 

If you'd look me in the eye for only an instant, you would notice a few important things: First: I don't actually care if you respect me. That does not validate my existence any more than any other stranger on the street would. That you are thin and fit does not actually give you any special status in my eyes.

Beyond that, I don't actually need your support or encouragement. And you are pretty damn presumptuous to think that I do.

You see, this 'adventure I have started' isn't a new one. I've been at this game a while. In fact, while I watched you run your 20 minute laps around the track, what you failed to notice was that I had started running before you. In fact, I had already clocked 7km before you ran past me, and continued running through out most of your weight training time. Clocking in at 15 km, with a steady pace of 6.5 mph, I'm not actually a new runner at all. I'm just not a thin one.

Here's what you don't quite seem to understand: The "gigantic effort" that it took for me to "show up here", 'face my fears' and 'bravely set myself in motion, in front of others'...well, it's only actually a gigantic effort because of people like you!

While you are over there patting yourself on the back for being 'kind' to a fatty, the fact of the matter is that people like you- people who feel entitled to view me as a body instead of a person, who spend more time writing about my sweat than you do asking yourself who I actually am, the person who smugly writes a public post with the explicit purpose of making themselves feel like a hero without for one second considering how many awful, shaming, disrespectful things are actually being said...

You are the reason I didn't want to go to the gym for a really long time. 

You and the assumptions that you make about me. 

Contrary to popular belief, I have not been living my life in a "physical state of numbness and passivity". Quite the opposite in fact- I have been raising two children under the age of five, have been living a wonderful and enriching marriage with my husband (yes, including sex. No, he isn't a "fatty" too...some men find women attractive for more things than just their body size), I have been working full time. I have been enjoying family vacations, drinking wine with my girlfriends, and generally living a pretty content and fulfilled existence.

No one who knows me beyond a fleeting side-glance at my sweat-soaked back would ever call me 'numb' or 'passive'. 

And while the decision to learn to master my body and move it in challenging and engaging ways like running wasn't an easy one, it was made a very long time ago...somewhere along the same time as my decision to be more considerate of the food choices that I make for myself and for my children.

These were difficult decisions...but not because "every hard breath" I take is easier than the one before, or because "every step is ever so slightly lighter" (in fact, neither of these are necessarily true. Running does not necessarily equate weight loss. And weight loss does not a runner make. And not all my breaths are easier now than they were before...because I am running faster and harder than ever...Which is also why I was sweating so much...but anyway...)

And that "former person" you begrudgingly dismiss? Well, she doesn't exist. It has always been me, in this body, this whole time. After all, you only get one body and you are only ever one person.

And I always was 'forward-looking' and I always knew that anything was possible. I learned those lessons in much more meaningful ways than weight loss. I learned them when I faced life or death situations, when I held my newborn infants, when I accomplished any number of the thousands of goals and dreams that I have had in my (fat) life. Heck, some of them even happened when I was even more fat than you think I am now. Crazy, right?

So I may be a hero to you, but you should know that you are not one to me. I felt your creepy, judgemental gaze on my boy and I saw in your exactly what I have seen in people like you my entire life: You are not my friend. And you do not have my best interest at heart, even if you think you do. 

Your interest lies in three things: 1) Using me as an inspiration-porn to validate your health/fitness lifestyle and promote an archaic idea of what health/fitness mean (see your blog post), 2) Using your stereotypes about my fat body to reenforce to yourself why you do what you do and why you value what you value. (Seriously, I can't tell you how many people will openly admit that they only work out in order to not get 'fat'), 3) Making yourself feel better about yourself by treating the outcast fat person with such a minute modicum of good will that it doesn't even qualify as 'kindness'. 

Your contempt, disguised as cordiality...Your magnanimous belief that you are entitled to grant me clemency for the sin of fatness, because 'hey, at least she's trying NOT to be fat'...your self-aggrandizing act of philanthropy in using me as the inspiration for your fat-phobic diatribe....

You are gross. And you are not a hero to me.

And if you'd take off your blinders and put your head out there in the real world for more than a second or two, you will see a whole population of amazing, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful, funny, and admirable fat people who are living happily, with or without your gym. And if you use a particle of common sense, you will realize that you actually know absolutely NOTHING about the health and fitness routines of these people. All of your assumptions are based on the exact same ridiculous stereotypes that you claim that I am crushing because you happened to catch in the middle of a work out.

And all those people who made the resolutions to improve their health, and whom you never say at your gym again? Well, maybe you're the reason why.

Personally, I hope I don't have to run with you again. And if I do, I hope you'll spare me the saccharine niceties.   

I'm a runner, and I don't need you to tell me that. I am moving forward because life only goes in one direction. I am amazed by myself every damn day because I am as awesome as I am 'fat'.

And one day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you'll step outside and notice that there's a fatty running laps around you. And it will challenge your self-esteem, because you have spent your life determining your self-worth in relationship to my waist line.

You will not believe your own body has let you down, that your worldview was this fragile. And maybe...just maybe, a new horizon will open up for you. You'll see that you were being an asshole, and you'll begin to make changes.

In the meanwhile, please don't assume I need your support. I've been doing just fine, despite you and people like you. 

I laugh at you.

Fool.

Can you compliment me on my weight loss without engaging in fat shaming?

A wonderful and beautiful friend commented on a picture that I shared today and her words really got me thinking:

I am, and always will be, a strong advocate for body positivity and celebrating bodies at any/every size. I do not believe in judging a person's worth by their mass, volume or density. I believe that inside every body is a person, and that this is what should be celebrated.  And I believe that all bodies are beautiful testaments to the diversity of humanity.

And yet...I have set out this year to massively transform my body's relationship with gravity, as well as my body's physical form. There is no doubt that what started as a burning desire to simply become stronger eventually morphed into a quest for a reduced body fat percentage and a lower numeric digit on my scale.

While strength, agility, flexibility and overall athleticism remain my targets, I have used my scale- among other tools- as a measure of the progress I was making towards a better understanding of my body and its capacity to achieve.

So yes. Though I have found multiple euphemisms to describe it differently, there is no doubt about it. I have been 'dieting', in the most traditional sense of the word.

Does that make me disingenuous? And, beyond that, can others recognize the accomplishment of my goals as something to be celebrated and lauded?

This is a complex question, and one that I have been wrestling with since I lost my first 20 lbs and people started to notice the changes in my body.

For what it's worth, I'm not alone in this. As I struggled, I found other bloggers who shared similar confusion about how to reconcile their body-positive beliefs and their desire to lose weight. One of the best posts I read was by someone named Greta Christina, and it can be read here. She poignantly writes:

And as much as I want my weight loss to purely be about my health, the reality is that, now that I'm in the process, it's become more about my appearance than I'd like. I really don't want that: I find it politically troubling and emotionally toxic, and I think in the long run it'll undermine what I'm trying to do. But it's hard. As much as I like to think of myself as a free-spirited, convention- defying rebel, the reality is that I'm a social animal, and social animals care about what other animals think of them.

And just like that, she took the words right out of my heart...with a spoon...cause it sure hurts to admit them.

I loved myself when I was fat. I really did. And I appreciated my fat body. And I was loved for the person that I was inside it.

But, let's face it. The world didn't love my fat body. The world is ignorant and cruel and judgmental.

And now, the world is kind. The world is respectful. The world is even admiring me.

And it isn't fair. And it isn't right. But it feels good. Because being treated so poorly for so long, I had forgotten what it was like when you aren't actually outcasted from society's good graces. I had forgotten how easy the royal court of social acceptance could be.

And this is the last monster that I need to slay: the monster inside my own mind that is still under the constant bombardment of body-shaming strategies that are so deeply ingrained in our social consciousness that we fool ourselves into thinking that they aren't there.

I don't like my thin body better than I liked my fat one. Quite the opposite, actually. I am much, much harder on myself at a size 6 than I ever was at a size 16.

But I do like how people treat my thin body better than how they treated my fat body. It is easy and comfortable to blend in and to be seen as a valuable human being...

And so now you all know my secret. I have been feeling like a fraud for a very long time, and it feels good to finally come clean.

For my fat friends: I am so sorry. And I am trying to do better.
For my thin friends: I am so sorry. And I am trying to do better.

As for society as a whole: You suck. Seriously. When it comes to bodies, you suck.

Living with you is like a toxic domestic relationship. You hurt me so badly, so repeatedly, for so long that I am now at the point were I am crying in gratitude if you so much as go one day without making me feel ashamed and self-loathing, let alone actually treat me with kindness and dignity.

Now, more than ever, my self-esteem is controlled- dominated- by your opinion of me; of who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.

So here is the ugly truth: I am one of the most body positive people I have ever met...with everyone except myself.

So now what? Well, I guess I ask for your patience as I continue to work through these really difficult, complex emotions. And I ask for your support in doing so by urging you to talk to me in ways that remind me of my own body positivity and keep me from fat-shaming myself.

Which brings us back to the main question: Can you compliment me on my weight loss without engaging in fat shaming?

The short answer is yes. You can. It requires diligent effort, but you can.

You can tell me that you are proud of me for sticking to my goals, and for pushing myself and my body in new and exciting directions.

You can recognize the time, effort, sweat, tears, and continuous dedication and commitment that it takes to go through a massive weight reduction/physical activity transformation.

You can tell me that my weight loss has inspired you to consider your own body choices, and even possibly engage in your own journey of self-discovery, whatever that may look like to you.

You can tell me that I look beautiful, and then- on those days where I lose grip of the bigger picture, you can remind me that I am beautiful every day regardless of my body fat percentage is, and that I always was.

There are countless ways to celebrate with me without shaming me and other fat people.

But there are some things to stay far away from:

1. "You look so much better now"- anything that compares me to what I used to look like in a way that presumes that I am a better/more attractive/healthier/etc. person now than I used to be is fat shaming. This includes "You must feel so much better about yourself" or "I bet you wish you had done this years ago." For more on why these don't apply to me, please refer to this post.

2. "If only everyone had your determination, commitment, strength, fortitude, etc." Presuming that other people should follow in my footsteps is fat shaming. Every person has a unique journey with their body. There is no need for every person to reduce their body size. In fact, there is no need for ANY person to reduce their body size if they don't want to. Beyond that, it is ableist to assume that every person CAN reduce their body size. Please do not compare other people to me.

3. "Your husband must be thrilled." My husband married a fat woman. He has always loved my body, in any size. He is thrilled that I am feeling good about my accomplishments. But my size has simply not impacted our relationship in any way, sexually or otherwise.

4. "Fat/Unhealthy/Overweight/Obese/etc. people just need to <insert catch phrase about diet/weight loss/healthy food/etc. here> Seriously. Don't make assertions about what other people need to do with their bodies. It isn't any of your damn business. No two fat bodies are created alike and fatness is a much more complex phenomenon than the fitness and/or 'medical' industries would have you believe.

Don't engage in fat-shaming, whether passively or directly. Because it hurts everyone. I know this because I was fat recently enough to remember how being socially ostracized because of fatness felt. And I am thin enough now to know the double edged sword of fat shaming, which is that the fear of that social bullying lingers inside us all and terrifies us into aspiring for virtually unachievable levels of body perfection.

Because fat shaming is body shaming. And all of us have bodies, and all of us are impacted by the consequences of body shaming as a whole. No one wins in the race to the smallest waist size or the leanest arms. The only way to 'win' at this game is 1) to love yourself, from the beginning of your goals and all the way until you crush them, and beyond. And, 2) as you do so, show body positivity to the world and call out fat shaming/body shaming when and where you see it, because these social institutions that marginalize and demean people based on their body size will not crumble without massive pressure.

I have the second point pretty much down pat...but I'm still working on the first part. My body isn't the only part of me being transformed, and my emotions and psyche still need to catch up to all of my awesome physical victories.

So please be patient and kind with me, and I promise to continue doing the same to you. 

There is a secret to weight loss...but it isn't what you think it is!

I try to minimize my posts on 'weight loss' for a variety of reasons. I prefer to focus on health and wellness in a wholistic sense, which can include the physical size of your body and its relationship with gravity, but is so much more than numbers on a scale or the total amount of fat your physical form occupies.

However, of all the questions I get, the vast majority have to do with the desire to lose weight.

Let me be clear here: There is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight. There is nothing wrong with wanting your body to feel healthy, strong and attractive to yourself and to others. I do believe that physical attraction is a much more complex equation than just body size, and that humans can be beautiful at any size. But there is nothing wrong with wanting to reduce your body size if that is your goal.

Now, you have likely heard a million 'facts' about weight loss. You've been inundated with promises of the 'secret' to success. Diet pills, magic herbs, potent protein shakes...you've seen them all. You've probably even tried a few, with varying levels of success. Most do not deliver on their promises.

The claims you've been sold aren't true.

You've also been inundated with catch phrases like "There IS no secret to weight loss", and told that weight is a simple relationship between food consumed and calories burned.  You've been told that being overweight is a choice, a lifestyle mistake, an error in judgment or a lack of self respect.

These claims aren't true either.

Weight is complex. Why? Because the body is complex. And every body reacts slightly differently to every stimulus introduced. Some people will have success with certain tactics, and others will not.

There is no one size fits all solution for how to reduce your size.

But, I believe that there is a secret to weight loss. And it isn't the one that the health and fitness industries have been trying to sell you.

It is the one tool that no one can give you except yourself, and it is the one thing that will help you succeed in your goals:

Weight loss, like all other forms of self-improvement, is fuelled by the mind and the heart long before it is fuelled by the body.

The secret to weight loss is self-love. 

"What?" you ask. "Isn't it the other way around?"

No. 

You must love yourself in order to truly be successful at weight loss, and the reason why is simple:

Losing weight is hard. Whether you choose to do it by focusing exclusively on diet, on exercise, or on a combination of both, it is hard. It requires massive changes to your lifestyle. It requires a strong sense of will and determination in the faces of sabotages and social pressures. It requires a commitment of time, energy and resources.

And for you to be willing to go through all of that, you must fundamentally come to terms with one thing: You are a valuable person, one who is worth investing time, energy, effort, and resources into. 

Pretend for a moment, that you have been given $5000.00, but that you have to invest it in order to keep it. I imagine that most of us would want to seek out businesses that are strong, successful and show indications of growth and stability in the future.

Some of us might be willing to gamble on the little guy, the one who doesn't have an established sales base but that has an idea or product that you genuinely believe will be successful and will make the world a better place.

But few of us would put our money into a business that didn't have a strong value, that was failing financially or was on the brink of collapse. We wouldn't see this business as worth investing in. We would deem it a waste of resources. The cost is too high for the potential benefit.

Many of our decisions in life are made by weighing costs and benefits. We think of some things as being worth the pain, effort and difficulty, and deem other things unworthy. One clear example that comes to my mind was having children. Pregnancy, for me, was a very risky affair. I knew that it was risking my health and even my life. But the benefit- the possibility of having children- that outweighed all the risks. It was a worthwhile investment, one that I have never regretted.

But even in simple every day decisions: whether or not to clean, what to cook for dinner, what to wear...we consider cost and rewards on a constant basis, and the dominant question is often: Is this worth my time and energy? If the answer is no, we generally do not proceed unless we are forced to do so.

Health, fitness and weight loss involve similar decision making processes. Every day, you decide what you will eat, what you will do, whether or not to exercise, etc. In making these choices, we ask ourselves: Is it worth it?

But what we really should be asking is: Am I worth it?

Am I worth the time it would take to make my body feel good about moving?
Am I worth the time it would take to eat food that makes me feel healthy and alive?
Am I worth the investment of energy and time required to meet my own health needs?

The answer must be a resounding yes. 

Because if it isn't, not only will you struggle with all the changes you are making; you will also struggle with understanding the point of it all.

And the sad truth is that weight loss can be a difficult, time consuming, sometimes frustrating, and  always vulnerable experience. And we, as human beings, tend to see ourselves in terms of the decisions we have already made, as opposed to the ones that we are making or are trying to make. We live in the world of 'I didn't do...' instead of the world of "I did!"

We see every poor decision as a sunk cost- a loss that has already been incurred and can not be recovered.

But this isn't true. Every side step in the path of life is an opportunity.

Human beings are works in progress. We are always growing, evolving and learning- which means that every decision made, even the unwise ones, has the potential to be an opportunity for self-betterment and growth. When we recognize in ourselves that we are always 'works in progress', we begin to truly realize the need and necessity of putting energy towards self-improvement and self-care.

When you begin with "I am worth the time and effort it takes to feel good about myself. I deserve to feel good about myself. I am important, valuable and full of potential", then it is a lot easier to push through when the going gets tough.

The fitness industry, and often even the health and medical industry, try to convince you that you need to be healthy/fit/thin/beautiful/etc. to be valuable. But one thing that we often forget in this journey is that these 'professionals' actually make their money and livelihood off of convincing people that they aren't good enough as they are. That they need to be 'improved'. That they need to change from the outside in.

What I am telling you- what I have lived, and what I have witnessed others living- is that wellness happens from the inside out.

When you begin to love yourself for who you- not for your body, or its relationship with gravity, but for the value that you bring to the world just by being in it- and when you begin to recognize that you are worthy of time, energy, effort and self-love...that is when you begin to feel empowered.

And, like all life changes, weight loss depends on your ability to feel empowered, confident and positive.

So before you hit the scale every morning, hit the mirror. Look at yourself- not necessary your appearance but your self- and remind yourself that you are a valuable, powerful, amazing human being who can move mountains.

When the numbers matter less than how you feel about yourself, you'll be surprised at how much easier the whole process becomes.

Preparing to Craft A Personal Mission Statement

Hi everyone! This week we've been looking at crafting a personal mission statement. This post will take you through the process, in the steps that we've broken down, and help you get set up for actually writing your Life Mission, Vision and Values.

STEP 1: Identify the moments in your life that made you feel the most proud and valuable

A Personal Mission statement is one that guides you towards the best possible version of you. By reflecting on your past successes and proudest moments, you will likely see themes emerge that help you identify the course of life that makes you the most happy.

Here are some examples of what makes me feel proud: 

• I feel proudest when I accomplish goals, especially ones that required a lot of extra work or challenged me in new and exciting ways.
• I feel proudest when I contribute to causes/issues that are important to me and that I believe better my world. 
• I feel proudest when I am able to support my children, my spouse and my friends in ways that make them feel empowered, capable, respected and valuable.
• I feel proudest when others recognize that I am always learning, growing and trying to be a better person. This includes acknowledging when I was wrong about something, and making active efforts to rectify these wrongs when and where I can. 
• I feel proudest when I know that I have met all my needs as a human being and that I have achieved a level of balance in my life that makes me feel fulfilled. 
• I feel proudest when I am part of something that is bigger than me, in which my voice is viewed as important and unique, but is also part of a bigger picture that relies on others to be complete. 
• I feel proudest when I present the best possible version of myself to the world, and know that the person I present truly reflects the person that I am inside. 

Emerging Themes:

• I am driven by my love of empowering others. This has steered me into a variety of different directions in my life, including teaching, working with vulnerable populations, advocacy and community awareness. 
• I am driven by the very firm belief that every person brings value to the world and that every life experience is worthy of acknowledgement and respect. 
•  Despite my innate social anxiety, I am often drawn into leadership roles, and am at my most effective when I am working with others towards a common goal.
• I require a sense of accomplishment and/or of completion in order to feel fully fulfilled by an activity. Objectives, for me, are as important (if not more so) than goals. 
• There is nothing I love more than helping others love themselves. 

STEP 2: Identify Your Strengths

Your strengths are the characteristics that are intrinsic to you that allow you to accomplish things in your life. These, combined with your weaknesses and with your cumulative life experience, are what make you a unique individual and allow you to bring your very best to the world around you. 

Here are some examples of my personal strengths:

• I am a very powerful and loving person. 
• I genuinely believe that every person, given the right amount of support and accommodation, is able to achieve extraordinary things. 
• I do not discriminate against others, and actively work at recognizing my own privilege and internal stereotypes.
• I have often been recognized as being a natural leader.
• I am an excellent communicator and am able to convey my thoughts in both written and oral form in such a way that audiences understand what I am saying. My words often add value to discussions, and I am able to concisely deliver large amounts of information in ways that relatable. I am easily able to adapt my communication style to different types of learners, including very young children and those with communication/language differences. I am also a strong body-language/non-verbal communicator. 
• I am always learning, growing, experimenting and questioning the world around me. 
• I am not afraid of failure.
• I am an exceptional strategist, capable of breaking massive projects/goals into smaller ones, and easily able to identify gaps, opportunities, threats and risks. 

STEP 3: Identify Your Personal Values

Personal Mission Statements don't only reflect where you want to go, but they reflect the way in which you want to get there! Identify the internal values that drive you allows to ensure that the direction that you are taking is one that is consistent with who you are as a person, and what you believe to be right, honourable and true to yourself. 

Here are some examples of my personal values:

• I believe in treating others with acceptance, respect and empathy. 
• I believe in doing the thing that is right, fair, equitable and just. 
• I believe in self-care, self-respect, and personal empowerment. 
• I believe that knowledge is power, and that it should be shared with all those who seek it. 
• I believe in living life with exuberance, seizing every single opportunity available to become a fuller, more enlightened human being. 
• The most important thing to me is the happiness of those I love.

All of this can be summed up by the following value statement: 

If you aren't making someone elses's life better, you are living your life wrong.

STEP 3: Identify Your Short Term Goals and (And Longer Term Dreams)

When considering the difference between goals and dreams, there are two important distinctions to be made: 1) Do you have a timeline for it? 2) Are you actively working towards it?

For the most part, dreams are relatively intangible. They exist in the part of you that is able to suspend disbelief and envision what life would look like if you were unconstrained.  

Goals, on the other hand, are more concrete. They have timelines for when they should be accomplished, have objectives that allow progress to be measured and a variety of strategies and tactics in place to make them achievable. 

We tend to assume that dreams are unachievable, whereas goals can be achieved. This is sometimes true. I mean, I dream of being an internationally recognized singer...and the chances are pretty strong that I never will be. However, it isn't innately true. In many cases, dreams can easily convert into goals if you feel enough motivation to pursue them in such a way as to make them achievable. 

This is why the idea that dreams are somehow inferior to goals is flawed. Dreams are often what drive our goals. They are our idyllic sense of self, and can give us great insight into who we are and what we want from our experience here on earth. 

Here are a few examples of my personal dreams:

• I dream of a world that accepts all people, regardless of their biological, mental, emotional, and psychological differences and ability levels.
• I dream of a future in which I am completely financially secure, never having to ask myself if I will be able to support my family, even in a state of emergency. 
• I dream of a career that brings me truly fulfilling joy and a sense of daily pride, in which I genuinely believe that I am serving the world to the very best of my capacity.  
• I dream of one day writing one of the dozens of books that I have in the back of my mind. 
• I dream of seeing the world; of sitting where Plato sat, drinking where Shakespeare drank, and exploring the very earliest signs of man. 
• I dream of being remembered as someone important, not just to those around me, but to the world as a whole. 
• I dream of feeling as well in my own skin as humanly possible, of being stronger, faster, and more agile than I ever thought possible. I dream of learning how to be beautiful from the inside out. 
• I dream of taking all.of.the.things. in school. Really. I just want to go to school forever, all the time. 

As you can see, my dreams echo many of the earlier themes that evolved during our strengths and values brainstorming steps. In looking at my answers, it is clear that I want to serve others. I want to make the world a better, more loving and understanding place. I want to learn constantly, and seek out new adventures.

These dreams are the benchmarks of my personal vision and mission for myself. They the truest, most unconstrained version of myself. And they lead me directly into my goals.

As mentioned, goals are more concrete. I usually suggest keeping goal timelines within a 3 year time frame- or roughly 1000 days, but you may need more time than that depending on the goal (a university degree may take four years, for example.)

Most business professionals will tell you that goals should be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timely), and I would be inclined to agree with them. But I would add three more words to this common acronym: IES. (SMARTIES...get it?)

Inspiring: Working towards your goal should make you feel elevated, fulfilled and inspired. If a goal is not inspiring, it is seldom motivating enough to be worth pushing through when barriers hit.  

Evolving: When taking on a goal, it is important to remember that you, as a human being, are in a constant state of evolution. As such, your hopes, dreams and- yes- even your goals are going to undergo some evolution as well. Seeing a goal as evolving is recognizing the need to remain adaptable, flexible, and open to new ideas, information and directions.  

Synergetic: Goals don't exist in a vacuum. People usually have multiple goals that they are working towards. Synergy is the process in which the "whole" becomes greater than each individual "part". Recognizing that each individual goal, while important, is simply a part of the greater vision of what you are trying to accomplish allows you to prioritize different objectives, and ensure that all your goals are actually cohesive and complementary.

In crafting my own personal goals, I try to focus on the 'synergy' aspect, reaching for as wholistic an array of goals as possible including some from every aspect of my life. In this example, I will outline one from each of the major groupings: Mind (referring to education, career, and life long learning), Body (referring to the physical state of my body), and Soul (encompassing all of the different things that feel my soul/spirit including my human relationships, my relationship with my self, my relationship with any higher powers/religion/spirituality, as it may apply).**

NOTE: Goals are broken down into objectives (which we will look at more in our section on goal setting), but for our current purposes, it is completely appropriate to keep your goals very broad and less time-focused.

**Mental Health can fall into any of the three categories, depending on which you feel is most appropriate for you. In my personal goal setting, I tend to include it with the body, as I believe that mental health is a critical component of physical health. However, at times I have also included it under "Soul" and "Mind", depending on the circumstances. 

Here are some examples of my current goals, stated loosely and without specifications:

Mind: To return to school and complete a program that brings me intellectual fulfillment, as well as presenting me with new challenges and career opportunities in the field of Health and Wellness by 2017.

Body: To continue working towards exploring my body's capacity in terms of strength, speed and agility by increasing my current goals markers (I have preexisting fitness goals with specific objectives surrounding body fat percentage, physical lifting/pressing capacity and timed events such as specific races. My Body Goals will be continuations of these already evolving goals.)

Soul: To continue building the community of Shame Free Wellness by sharing stories, ideas, and feedback that are focused on body positivity, self-love, self-care, and self-acceptance so that it is a thriving and welcoming environment for those who are new to the journey of wellness. 

And there you have it. The foundations for crafting the actual personal mission statement, as well as accompanying vision and value statements. From there, we will refine our goals using the SMARTIES model and begin to identify the strategies, tactics and objectives needed to achieve them!

Life Planning: Time to Get My Groove Back

So March and April were kind of a write off for me. I hit my weight goals, but really fell off the fitness and training band wagons hard. I really want to get back in high gear to make sure that this is the best, most active summer of my life and that I am fully prepared for starting school in the fall.

So...I am going back to ground zero: Life Planning.

Most of the time, I have a routine that allows me to really not overthink things. I can eat pretty much what I want to, because I am eating well as a whole. I can work out as much as I want to, because I work out generally every day. I feel in control of my life and of my choices...

But lately, I have lost that sense of self control. I am feeling undisciplined. I am feeling myself slipping.

Again, this isn't about 'weight'- I'm still losing at roughly the same rate that I have been from the get go. But the choices that I am making in order *to* lose that weight aren't as wholistic and positive as they used to be. And I am no longer enjoying the process, which is a sure sign that it is time to change things up.

As a business consultant, I often talk to businesses that are in a 'rut'. Whether their sales have slowed, their growth has stalled or they are struggling with launching the next phase of their plan, most businesses don't call in a consultant unless things aren't going as smoothly as possible.

My first step in almost every case is to pull them back to the drawing board- literally- and do some strategic planning.  Revisiting a company's goals, mission, vision, values, and strategies (financial, marketing, personnel/HR etc.) is often exactly what is needed in order to get back on the right path and create objectives and benchmarks that are relevant and realistic.

After all, as important as goals are (and they are), they don't serve much purpose if they are driving you in the wrong direction, or steering you into a circle.

My experience with health and wellness has been that, like with business, this is all too often the case. Our goals don't always actually reflect where we want to go, how we want to get there and who we want to be when we reach them.  We just arbitrarily pick things that we *think* should be our goals without actually asking ourselves why we are choosing that particular path.

It really is this simple: As well thought out and SMART as your goals may be, if they aren't actually furthering your larger vision for yourself, then they are taking you down the wrong path.  

Many of the same principles of strategic planning can apply easily to personal planning and self-development.  Over the course of the next seven weeks, I will share with you as I take on the process of resetting myself, discovering my next priorities, goals, objectives, strategies and tactics, and creating a plan that will steer me safely and happily towards the next stage of my life.

If you are interested, feel free to follow along. When possible, I will provide some templates and give you some of the tools that you can use to work your way through this process with me.  I will have a post a week, each one taking you through a section of the planning process. If you want to create your own plan, I strongly suggest opening up a blog space of your own or dedicating a journal to it, so that you have somewhere to record your plan as you progress with it. 

I did it...I clicked the button...

One click: Submit.

33 was a big year for me, and I was very sorry to see it go.

As I have been going through my mental checklists of my big accomplishments this year- including but not limited to: transforming my body, discovering healthier ways of managing my disabilities, making new friends and culling people from my life who took my energy and did not replenish it, deepening my relationship with my kids and my husband/co-captain and learning what is means to truly love and accept myself- a weight has been hanging over me...

What's next?

I know that I have other goals to accomplish, some of which are coming up soon (my triathlon and half marathon, for example), but these feel more like natural progressions and continuations of this year's goals rather than new goals in and of themselves.

And I've always been an adventure seeker.

I knew that it was time to seek out my biggest adventure yet.

Professionally, I have worn a lot of hats. I have worked as a political/lobby operative in multiple capacities and have held high level roles of the Corporate world, managing staffs of several hundred employees. I have managed small level outfits, ranging from retail to hospitality and even into manufacturing. I have worked as a business strategist, analyst and consultant, and built franchises from the ground up...There is no doubt that it has been busy fifteen years...

And yet, I have never been happy in my career.  I have always told myself that one day, I wanted to do something more meaningful...something that would make the world a better and happier place.

For the past several years, I believed that this direction was laid out for me; that I was destined to take my back ground in policy and political science, and do something meaningful with it. I contemplated taking my masters in Counselling or in Policy Development or in Disability Studies. I even pursued actual course work in these fields.

But those worlds are heavy, and I have learned that I need to carry a lighter load in my career in order to keep my strength for the heavy lifting on the home front.

And yet, I want to help people. I want to help them feel good. I want to help them love themselves, and challenge themselves to great things. I want to be there when they achieve goals, overcome obstacles, climb mountains and discover the very ends of their limits.

In short, I want to help others do for themselves what I was so fortunate to do last year.

So, I have made the leap. It's official. In the fall, I will be pursuing full time studies at NAIT for their Personal Fitness Trainer program. I am going to spend the next two years filling every knowledge gap that I might have from my own experiences, and crafting a program that is centred around self-care, self-love, and self-discovery.

And I will do this with one mission in mind: Breaking down the barriers of shame and exclusion that currently dominate the fitness world, and focusing on finding ways to accommodate every body, every need, and every life style who seek to find greater physical and mental health. 

Shame Free Wellness. This needs to be a thing.

But I can't do it alone. I will need my community- those of you who have been there with me every step of the way, and those of you who are just joining me today. I will others to share thoughts, ideas, learnings, practices and questions with.  I will need friends to keep me going when I feel like full time school and family and work are making me drown.

A few of you already know that I have taken on this new adventure. Your continuous support leaves me breathless, and deeply filled with gratitude.

For those of you who didn't know, I hope you'll consider joining me on this journey.

And perhaps even consider beginning one of your own.

We are all on the same team, and I have your back.

The sky truly is the limit.

Self-Care and The Oxygen Mask Dilemma

I talk a lot about self-care in this blog. To me, this is the foundation of health and wellness. Self-care, while broad as a concept, generally refers to the intentional, planned and executed attention to ones personal needs (biological, emotional, psychological and spiritual). It has been the theme of my life for the last twelve months, and has allowed me to make massive changes towards improved balance, health and happiness. 

When I was a new mother, my family of three decided to trot our way across the country to visit our extended family. I was well prepared for travel with a two month old baby; I had done all the reading, had packed enough to last us an entire season, and was well equipped going into the trip. What I had underestimated was anxiety that would accompany travelling with my newfound tiny companion.

As we boarded the plane, the anxiety began to settle in...All of a sudden, worst case scenarios like the plane crashing to one of the Great Lakes seemed not so remote. In fact, I was practically convinced that they would happen.

As the flight attendant took us through the emergency safety procedures, I remember distinctly paying attention for the first time. After all, these were the instructions that would save my baby's life when if something went wrong.

When she got to the section concerning oxygen masks, I remember my brain and my heart having a very real conversation with each other. Like the devil and angel on my shoulders, my two very distinct thought processes were in conflict.

My brain, the logical and practical side of me, understood clearly the importance of ensuring that my own oxygen mask was placed firmly on my own face before attempting to apply one to my child. But my heart...well, it was having a hard time with that instruction. After all, my tiny baby and his tiny lungs had to take first priority- even over my own life!

I remember thinking: I would never place my own safety ahead of my child's. They can say all they want that it is more important for me to have oxygen than my child, but they are wrong. His needs come first, now and always. 

It may have been my first 'mama bear' moment.

Mama Bear moments are not always rational.

Of course I had to place my mask on myself first. This wasn't about putting my needs ahead of my child. It was about making sure that I was able to actually meet my child's needs. After all, what use would I be to my baby if I have passed out from lack of oxygen?

In a crisis, our instincts take over. And my parenting instinct would have told me to attend to my child. But my instincts, in this case, would have been misguided...likely because our instincts are based on biologically-implanted learnings from a time when airplanes and air travel didn't exist.

But even without that, the truth is that people in crisis (a term which can cover a wide gamut of life events) aren't always the best decision makers. This is why we do emergency response training and fire drills...in the hopes that we can train our brains to override our emotional instincts, and make practical, sound decisions in the face of an emergency.

Sure...but what does this have to do with self-care, you ask? 

Everything.

Generally, humans really struggle with self-care. This is likely the result of several social and environmental factors, none of which are areas that I am knowledgeable enough of to expand upon. But the fact is that, in today's modern society, most of us have a hard time meeting all of our biological needs and we operate in a state of self-care deficit most of the time.

We don't sleep enough.

We don't eat enough, or we eat too much, or we eat things that don't help our body live maximally.

We don't engage in play or recreation. We forget to move our bodies in ways that help regulate our system.

We neglect the importance of social contact. We neglect the importance of solitary recharging. We neglect the need for silence and calmness. We neglect the need for things that stir the soul and engage our spirits and souls with the physical world.

Many of us- most of us, I would actually wager to guess- would say that we often feel like we are going through the motions of life instead of actually living.

And it is unsustainable.

We simply can not deprive ourselves of our basic needs and expect to live fulfilled lives.  There will always be consequences- physical, emotional, social, spiritual or psychological. You simply can not ignore your basic needs and not become unwell.

Unfortunately, by the time we realize this, we are usually in a state of full on crisis, where we are so overwhelmed that we can't possibly conceive of trying to find ways to thrive.

We think to ourselves: "I can barely keep our heads above the water- let alone stop for a breath of fresh air in the park."  Our instincts have us in survival mode- a full on flight or fight- and the idea of making any changes, positive though they might be, sets us into a panic. We think of all the people we will let down, all the things that will go undone, all the weight of the world that rests squarely on our shoulders...

And that is exactly when we need to remember about the oxygen mask story. 

Because an emotional crisis is very much like drowning, or losing all air in a plane.

In a zero-oxygen situation, you can not help others, in any way, if you are barely conscious. You need to get your own mask on your face and ensure that you can breathe properly before attending to the needs of those around. This is not selfish. This is smart. This is what allows you to help them.

This is self-care.

It is learned. It is in planned. It is intentional. And it is life-saving 101.

It is the same principle that we must apply to our lives as often as humanly possible.

Meeting our own basic physiological needs is not a luxury.
Meeting our own basic emotional needs is not indulgence.
Meeting our own basic intellectual, psychological, and spiritual needs is not selfish.

And even though it may sometimes come at a cost, ensuring that our own health and wellness is under control is unquestionably the best thing we can do for those we love and for those who depend on us.

This is as true for caregivers (parents of young children, those who care for seniors, the disabled or others requiring additional levels of support) as it is for those who feel a strong sense of duty to their work, to their spouses, to their community or to their vocations.

We all have obligations. Yes, some are more pressing than others. And yes, there are times where you must sacrifice your own needs in order to attend to an emergent situation or someone else's immediate crisis.

For example, I don't recommend ignoring a crying child through the night, just so you can ensure you get your seven hours of sleep.

But these decisions must be intentionally made, with due consideration to the current priorities and needs and with an understanding that there must be a healthy balance between caring for the needs of others and caring for yourself.

At some point, the parent of that sleepless child will simply need to sleep. The body will demand it. Not sleeping becomes extremely dangerous and unhealthy, and can lead to devastating consequences for both the parent and the child. So, while you may not sleep *tonight*, you must- as you make that choice- also begin to plan out when you *will* sleep and how that will happen. And, if you are unable to make that happen on your own, you must begin to intentionally plan out ways to find additional supports that will assist you in making that happen.

The self care nursing theory outlines eight different categories that are critical to self care:

Air.
Water.
Food.
Elimination.
Activity and Rest.
Solitude and social interaction.
Hazard Prevention.
The promotion of normality (whatever 'normal' means to the individual).

Personally, I would add two more: 

Sense of self worth and self fulfillment. 

Sense of being loved and of loving others.

These are the basic needs without which a human being can not thrive. You not only owe these to yourself; you have the responsibility to others to ensure that you have balanced them such that you are to assist with the needs of others in a way that is healthy and helpful for all parties.

I understand that this is easier said than done, and over the next few weeks I will be writing out posts on how to shift you life in order to prioritize self-care, even when in a state of crisis.

But the first step to caring for your own needs is understanding why it is important to put the oxygen mask on your own face before helping you infant baby. If you don't understand and recognize this as a fundamental step, you will simply not be able to follow through with it in the event that a crisis hits. And without air, neither you, nor your beautiful loved ones, will survive.

Taking care of your self is the most caring thing you can do for others.