Do you see what I see?

Today, I received the pro photographs from the 70.3 mile (114km) triathlon I ran over the weekend.

2 km swim. 90km bike. 22 km run.

Photos, or it didn't happen.

I was excited to see them- and yet, not.

Because I knew what I would see.  The same thing I always see when I see pictures of myself.

A body- my body- in a sport where it doesn't belong.
A body- my body- still seen through the lens of body size.
A body- my body- forever ugly, forever rejected, forever hated.
A body- my body- forever fat.

I haven't written about my body dysmorphia for a while, mostly because I was told by a fat friend that I really had no place in conversations about fat bodies anymore. My body, as it is seen by others, no longer qualifies as 'fat' enough. I now have to accept my place in a world of thin privilege. I now have to leave the conversation to those who are currently living it.

I get that. I really do.

It's complicated, but I get why someone would feel this way.
After all, I'm now- inadvertently, and through no fault of my own- part of the problem.

In my transformation of health and fitness, I have managed to do the improbable: significantly reduce my body mass by an amount that could probably qualify me for a reality show. 100lbs.  That's more weight than my 6 year old and 3 year old combined.  It's about 5 times more than my bike weighs...

No doubt about it, my body has 'transformed'.
And, in that transformation, I have- intentionally or not- taken my place in culture where 'smaller is better', 'fat=bad', and 'weight loss should be your goal'.

I'm the poster girl for lifestyle changes, right?
I can see it now: "Fat, Sedentary mother of two discovers exercise, loses 100 lbs and transforms her life"

Sure, they'd mention my triathlon...as a byline along the way. But the real story would be the weight loss.

Here's the catch though- they'd still photoshop me thinner.

And they sure wouldn't want to show you the skin that I literally have to tuck into my clothes.
I mean, really...I do my best to not show you that either.
No one wants to see that...

And somehow, in all of this, I became a cliche.

I didn't mean to do this. I promise you. But I understand that it doesn't really matter if I meant to or not. My body, and its renovation, will trigger a lot of really big feelings for a lot of people.

I get it. I know how other people's bodies used to affect me. And I know how they affect me now.

(Confession time: I am jealous of your 'real' triathlete body. I want to look like a 'real' triathlete. But I have this skin...)

I wish it weren't so. I wish we weren't so deeply conditioned as to define ourselves as successes or failures based the size of our own waist line, let alone that of another person's.

But we are all social animals, and we are all subject to the social constructs that surround us.

"You must be so much happier now" they tell me.

(No one asks. They always tell.)

And what am I supposed to say? It's a complex question with a complex answer.

I can't lie and say that I am not happier than I was two years ago. But how do I explain that this happiness has literally zero root in my body's actual size? And why bother?

(No one ever believes me anyway.)

"Of course you are! How couldn't you be? Look at you!"

Look at me... Look at me...?
Do you not understand that what you see and what I see are different things?

Do you not understand that you see what you want to see?
That I see only what I am terrified of seeing?

I do an awful lot of 'looking at me'.
Trust me, it doesn't help.

But they tell me that I am happier. And in some ways they are right.
That's probably the worst part. They are right.

Am I happier now?

Yes.

I am.

I am ashamed to admit it, but it is true.

But did the weight loss bring me happiness?
No.
Not necessarily.
Not directly.

It did reduce the amount of stigma, othering, judgment and personal attacks that I lived with on a daily basis. I am no longer afraid of walking down the street and having strange men shout about the size of my 'fat ass'.

I've traded that in for strange men shouting about the 'the ass they like to tap'.
Either way, the shouts suck. But, it's true; the first type kind of sucks more.

So am I happier now that I am not under constant attack for the amount of adipose tissue that has collected my frame?

Sure.
Not being abuse tends to always trump being abused.
Being slapped is less painful than being stabbed.
But that doesn't mean that getting slapped feels good.

You see, the problem is that my body's actual size isn't really the determining factor in my happiness quotient.  My mass doesn't directly cause changes, positive or negative, to my emotional wellbeing.

(Correlation isn't causation.)

Am I happier? Sure. The same way I would be happy if someone who was trying to drown me let me get a gasp of air.

I'm a solid swimmer.
The water was never the problem.
The hand on top of my head pressing me down is the problem.

(The weight was never the problem.
Society's assumptions about me were the problem.)

The ugly truth is this: Weight loss literally can't make me happier. Because, in my eyes, my body has not changed. When I wake up in the morning, I literally see the exact same frame.

The only difference now is that I used to try not to think about it.
And now, I can't stop thinking about it.

Because it doesn't matter how small you are, society doesn't let you ever forget that you are defined by the size of your frame.

"Fat Ass" or "Tappable Ass"- at the end of the day, you are seen as nothing more that a body.

And try as you might to fight it, sometimes you have to admit that you play into this game too.

The one thing that I was terrified of defining me has literally become how I define myself.

Back when I had a fat body, I did my best to avoid it.
And as long as I didn't think about it, I was pretty happy with it.
In fact, I hardly thought about it all.
And I was pretty happy with myself.

Now, things are different.

I spend hours criticizing every picture.
Feeling like a fraud inside a body and lifestyle that I don't recognize. 
Terrified the weight will creep back.
Hoping that the weight will creep back. 
Terror at knowing how I will be perceived...
Hopeful at the idea of feeling at home in my skin again. 

I wanted a triathlete's body.
So I went out and became a triathlete.

But when I see these pictures, all I see is a fat body, desperately trying to outrace a world that is doing its best to catch up and tear her back down to reality.

What I see is a fraud.
A big fat fraud.

And that's the last thing I wanted to see.

Body Dysmorphia. It's a thing. And we need to start talking about it.

Because I know I can't be alone in this.

(God, I hope I am not alone in this.) 

I had really hoped this race would heal me.
I had hoped to finally get to see me through different eyes.

I guess I have a lot of work to do before I actually reach the finish line.

GWN2016 #teamZita96 Summary

This weekend, I completed my first triathlon. At 70.3 miles (114 km), I didn't cut myself any slack in choosing my first race. Was this a mistake? Well- we'll talk about that a little later. But when push comes to shove, I did it. I took on the challenge, I trained for it as effectively as I could, and I pushed through to the finish line. And I did it all while working/participating in a practicum, raising two young children and attending school full time.

And to that end, I am very proud.
Very tired, but very proud.

This post is just a summary of the event itself. I will do more that actually talk about my takeaways from the experience.

2 KM Swim: 41.26.9 
This was not a great time for me. I expected to finish the swim in closer to 35 minutes. In my defense, my goggles got snatched off my face during the run-in, and tore the nose strap, so I swam the whole thing blind.  I also stopped to help a struggling swimmer grab a boat, and checked in on many others along the way. Lifeguard Zita was in full "Oh my God this is so dangerous" mode, not race mode...

Surprises in the swim: People are *really* aggressive in the water. This was tough for me, because being grabbed at, particularly in the leg and hip area, is a serious PTSD trigger for me. I would pick my start placement very differently next time, knowing that I would be in the faster top third than the slower one. This would have saved me a fair amount of aggravation in terms of trying to get through the weaker swimmers, and probably would have shaved those five minutes off my time. 

Goal for next year: 00:35:59.9 minutes or less. 




Transition 1: 00: 07:29.4I had heard mumblings about these 'transition' things, and how they are black holes of time eaters, destroying your momentum and blocking your PRs along the way...but I'd never really believed them. Surely it couldn't be that complicated to get out of swim gear and into bike gear? I get dressed after showering every day...right?

Wrong. Transition 1 is no joke, kids. Getting out of a wetsuit, even with assistance, is a freaking pain- especially when you have an ankle bracelet you have to get back on you. 

And then there is trying to get dry socks onto your still wet, dirty feet! Sunscreen, bike gear...the works. T1 is intense. And I lost about 80% of my time struggling with compression socks because I thought I'd be clever and wear my run socks during the cycle. Ha! Not clever at all. In fact, most of the elite level athletes didn't seem to be wearing socks at all. Some didn't even tie up their shoes. Apparently I have a lot to learn about how to navigate a successful transition.  This one cost me a LOT of unnecessary time. 

Goal for next year: 00:03:59.9


90 KM Bike: 3:17:37.6 

Ok, so this is the epic victory of my day. In fact, this bike ride might be one of the crowning achievements of my life, so you are getting the full back story. If you aren't interested in it, skip right to the race section. :) 

"Training" Season...or lack thereof

Let me be crystal clear: It is a terrible idea to decide to do a 70.3 mile triathlon if you don't know how to ride a bike. 

It is not only arrogant (very arrogant), but foolish and dangerous. Kids, do not try this one at home. For real.

When I signed up for this race, I had not been on a bike more than a handful of times in over 15 years. I had never ridden a road bike. I had only ridden once on a highway (from my hometown of Falher, to Donnelly Corner gas station, roughly 7km away, and back) when I was about 12 or 13.

I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into.

Jason bought me my tri-bike as a Christmas gift. A 2015 Felt Ultegra 11 Speed beauty. I love my bike. It is lighter than most six month babies (8kg), and riding it literally feels like flying. I quickly discovered that I love everything about cycling, and I suspect that it is going to become my primary sport very quickly. 

But a new cyclist shouldn't cycle alone- at least not without an emergency plan. This, plus really unpredictable weather, greatly limited my training opportunities. In the six months since we bought my bike, I have only been able to ride it 9 times (race day included). 

And almost every time I did get out on it, I got a flat tire. I wish I was exagerrating, but my bike has now had flats changed by five different people, including Canadian IM Champion Jasper Blake (who was incredibly kind to me, despite my ignorance...) and two professional bike mechanics. So it wasn't a lack of skill at changing the tires. I truly started to believe that my bike was cursed. 

Compound this with an extremely gruelling anxiety disorder and catastrophic thinking pattern, and the result is...well...predictable. The fear of getting a flat was paralyzing, and kept me home on plenty of beautiful afternoons when I should have been clocking miles. There were many days where I had plenty of time, but no one to come and get me if something went wrong. 

Now, I get it. You're all asking yourselves why I wouldn't just learn to change a tire so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Well, for the same reason that I still can't program the clock in my car or do basic maintenance work on my car.  I have a learning disorder that greatly impacts my ability to process mechanical information. My brain can't handle directional concepts. I have no visual spatial comprehension, and I can't follow instructions unless they are written down and crystal clear. So learning to change a flat was no small feat. It took me four different people showing me how to do it, several hours watching youtube videos, and an entire evening (two days before the race) dedicated to practicing it. 

But I can do it myself now, and I might actually be prouder of that fact than I am of my entire race. 

Dry Land Training: Learning to 'cycle' off bike

Now, those who know me know that I am a disciplined student of the human body. I know that, in order to perform, the body must be trained. I knew this as an opera singer. I knew it as a swimmer. I know it as a personal trainer. One does not just jump into a sport and expect to perform well without training for it. I knew that I would have a very uphill battle when it came to cycling.

But I had this great bike I couldn't ride. So what is one to do?

Hit the books.

I did a lot of research on cycling mechanics, and began to train my body specifically to perform on the bike. My resistance training program was designed around building my cycling muscles. I learned about zone training, and used a spin bike to practice in both high intensity and low intensity settings. I performed 2-hour long rides at +85% of HRMax the entire time, and developed stronger heart and lung muscles than I ever dreamt possible. I built my core muscles and worked extensively on balance and core work to help give me the stability I would need once I hit the road.

I spent more time 'learning to ride' off my bike than many people spend on their bikes. And while it is an imperfect strategy, it paid off. I did not become a proficient cyclist- the fact is that you just have to get on your bike and ride in order to do that.

But I did become a very, very strong one. And I mean that literally. My cycling muscles are killer strong. And that's what got me through on race day.

Race Day: Come hell or high water...

Those 3 hours and 17 minutes on the bike were some of the greatest moments I have ever lived. Don't get me wrong. It was *hard*. So, so hard. And so damn awesome. 

First of all- no flats. I saw many other people get flats, but somehow I got spared (ha!). But the time that I spent learning how to change a tire was definitely not in vain- it eased the anxiety a lot and let me focus in on the actual task at hand: peddling my damn feet and putting those muscles into action. 

Based on my training, I had hoped to hold my own at a pace of 23-25km an hour, with a goal of doing the full 90km distane in less than 4 hours. That seemed reasonable to expect for a newish rider. I surprised myself when I was holding my own at 28-30km an hour- still not super duper fast, but- again- I'd only been on this bike 9 times, and I'd just done my first swim/T1 ever. 

GWN is a relatively flat terrain, which actually kind of worked against me.  I am super strong on hills. This might be because I didn't know that I had a whole set of lighter gears, specifically designed for hills. When Jasper explained this to me at training camp, he kind of broke my brain. I truly had believed that I had to do hills on the hardest gear, not the easiest. So I had spent months training that way.

I had most of my major gains on other cyclists on the hills- to the dismay of some, who commented on my "sheer strength" as I rode past them. 

But they always flew right past me on the downhill sections. FYI, for those who have never done it, going +40km/h down a hill is scary. I did a lot of riding my brakes, costing me a fair amount of momentum, time and energy.

The first 60km were smooth as silk. Seriously- cycling feels like flying. Except for your butt. Your butt is very, very aware that it is absolutely not flying. But still, I felt strong, powerful and was holding my own against some much, much more experienced cyclists. 

And then the wind came, and with it came the rain and hail.

The storm that we had been hoping would hold off until the end of the day was rolling in quickly.  I had never ridden in poor weather before. The instability of it was shocking.  I was able to hold steady, but it required me to dramatically change my riding approach, especially on the hills. 

Fortunately, the rain and hail didn't last long.

Unfortunately, they lasted long enough to seriously derail me. Somehow, a hailstone got in through my sunglasses and lodged itself in my eye. The pain was excruciating. And, like the rookie that I am, my hand leapt up to protect my face...and that's when I crashed.

"Crashed" might be overstating it a little. 
It's when I slid. 
Very quickly. 
Into the ditch. 

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with racing bikes, my bike doesn't really have the same kind of pedals as your run of the mill mountain bike does. They are specialized, and you were fancy shoes that clip into them. It's odd at first, but amazing once you get used to it.
Unless, of course, you are still clipped into them while lying on the ground, in the rain, with your bike on top of you.

Five cyclists raced past me without saying a word. Honestly, I imagine that they were probably as frightened as I was of the worsening conditions and couldn't afford to stop. But the 6th cyclist, a nice young man, stopped and offered assistance. We got me unclipped, and get back on our bikes.

(I never got his name. I forgot his race number. But, Whoever you are, thank you from the bottom of my heart.)

Within a few minutes, I was back up on my bike and racing onward. It took a few minutes for my body to register the searing pain in my knee. It didn't take much of my anatomy knowledge to figure out that I had sprained my ACL. :( 

I made the decision at that point to finish my bike ride and call it a day. I had to get back into the town either way, and the skies were starting to clear up. But the pain was exhausting and it took everything I had to make it to T2. 

Goal for next year: Try not to crash my bike. Try not to injure my body. Aim for under 3:00:00. Actually ride my bike as often as humanly possible. Learn how to change the back tire.


Transition 2: 00:05:59.7 

Ok, so remember how I said that I was going to be done my race when I got to T2. Yeah- I meant that. I really did. I was in a lot of pain, and I firmly disagree with 'pushing through' when you have an injury.  Pain is often the body's way of telling you that there is a problem. Ignoring that problem, even in the short term, can have catastrophic effects. 

But then, I have only ever done three races before this one (5km, 10km, 1/2 marathon), and I am starting to wonder if running through pain during races is simply inevitable when you start to race more frequently. So that's a topic I will need to research a little more. 

So, yeah- I was about ready to call it in when I got to the dismount line, which is where I assumed we were supposed to cross before dismounting our bikes (which, you know, would make sense given the chalk line that said "Dismount here"...)   

But I have anxiety. Really bad anxiety. Anxiety that is compounded by stress and social situations. 

And it turns out I had misinterpreted the meaning of that line. Turns out 'Dismount here' actually means "If you haven't gotten off your bike by this line, Angry Alberta Triathlon Official is going to start yelling in your face until you get off your bike..." 

Huh. Definitely didn't see that one coming.

So she yelled. And yelled. And I panicked, and got off my bike as quickly as I could (which was not quickly at all with a knee that didn't want to bend...) and hobbled my way to T2.  Once there, I was so scared that she would yell at me again that I didn't even stop to think. I just started getting changed. Also, Jason was there, filming me and I knew that dozens of my friends would see me quit if I walked away. So I dug deep, put my runners on and went out for my run. 

Goal for next year: If I can cut this one down, great. But honestly, just making it past T2 was a victory for me. So my goal next year is to make it to T2 feeling strong and ready for the run, instead of crying and terrified of how terrible the next three hours were going to be...



Run: 02:30:23.2 

I keep coming back to this number, because I am convinced that it was a mistake. There is no way that this run only took me 2.5 hours.  I swear to God, these were the longest hours of my life...and I have lived some long hours in my life. 

The run hurt. It just hurt. It hurts to think about it.

It hurt because I was injured. It hurt because it was hot. It hurt because I was under hydrated, under nourished, under prepared for the mental exercise. 

But mostly, it hurts because I was under trained.

And I need to admit that myself, and to the world. I was not trained for this run. I focused almost all my energy on the bike portion, and only did one run that was over 10km in my entire training season. There are several reasons for this, and none of them are particularly good ones. I was very busy. Life interfered with long run days. I could only do so much, so often, so intensely...I was burned out....

And the truth is that all of these reasons are 100% true, and 100% valid. But they still don't add up to being prepared and well trained. They might explain why I wasn't, but they don't actually do much more than that.

When push comes to shove, I went into this race knowing full well that I had robbed myself of the opportunity to perform well on the run and that I had no one to blame for that but myself. 

Now, 2.5 hours for a half really isn't that terrible. It's actually a great time for many runners. But it isn't a time that is consistent with my own performance standards. And it isn't a time that reflects what my body can do. 

So, now I spend the summer training my run again. I have another half marathon in September (Canmore, Rocky Mountain Half) that I would like to take under 2 hours. It's a nice run, but lots of hill trails and not a particularly easy terrain.  It will take me solid work if I am going to meet that goal. Looks like I have some work ahead of me. 

As for #GWN2017:

Goal for next year: 02:14:59.9


Total time: 06:42:57.1

Not too shabby for my first ever triathlon. Lots of learning moments. Lots of digging deep and pushing through.

But it is definitely a time that I look forward to beating next year.

Goal for next year: 06:29:59.9


And with that, I guess I will address the elephant in the room- the question that everyone has asked me since I crossed the line: FULL IRONMAN NEXT YEAR?!?!

The answer here is pretty clear to me: No. Not next year. At some point, yes. But not next year.

I have young children. I have a new career. I still have school for another six months. I have husband that I miss, and family and friends and neglected housework. 

Will I do a full 140.3? Yes. I imagine that I will someday. But for now, I want to really let the major lesson of this adventure sink in: The journey isn't about the race itself. Pushing yourself to always go further and longer and harder is all well and good, but it isn't if costs you the pleasure and enjoyment of simply loving what you are doing.

Goals are important. They really are. Set goals that are ambitious. Push yourself to the limits. Reach your full potential. Be daring, take risks, be brave...do all those things. 

But you don't have to do them all at once. And when you try, you sometimes wind up missing the little things that make the journey worthwhile. 

Next year, I will learn how to really ride my bike. I will learn how to excel at my run, both in improving my mechanics and my actual training technique. I will do more open water swimming because it is my favourite thing in the world. I will savour every training session and remember that the real clock that I am racing against is the one that is ticking by the remaining seconds of my life.  I will try to make every one of those seconds count.
In the great race of life, we all reach the same finish line. It's not when you get there that matters; it's the how you got there that defines how you'll be remembered. 

"How to lose weight and keep it off": The rest of the story

Last night, I watched a TEDX talk that was filmed at my alma matter, the University of Alberta.
It was an interesting presentation that can be summarized as an excellent visual representation of why sustaining weight loss is a difficult task to master. I would suggest watching the video- it's worth the 10 minutes of your life it takes.

As someone who has experienced massive weight loss and is now entering my second year of maintenance (which I am personally defining as not varying outside of my end weight by more than 10% above or below), I'm always a little surprised to hear the statistics of weight regain patterns. While there is no doubt that evidence indicates that many people struggle with maintaining long term weight loss, it seems so glaringly strange to me that I should have so little struggle doing so. Moreover, of the six other people personally know who have loss in excess of 30% of their starting body weight, all of us are holding steady within pretty close ranges to where we left off in our weight loss endeavours.

We all did things differently. Some focused on diet mainly, while others (like myself) put the emphasis on physical activity; some used a weight loss program, while others 'winged it'. For some, weight loss was the actual goal. For others, it was the consequence of other, unrelated goals.

But the end result is the same: each of us lost a significant amount of weight, at least 12 months ago, and all of us have managed to keep that weight off.

Of course, I also know dozens of people (possibly even "most"people) have had different experiences. Many have lost weight only to have it come back, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly over the course of time. Are we physiologically different? Science would say no. Is the distinction between us 'how' or 'why' or 'when' we changed our habits? Again, I would say no.

Which leads me to conclude that there is something else at play. And, in a roundabout way, Dr. Sharma nails it in his presentation. Of course, he doesn't know that he is doing it.

The one thing we all seem to have in common is this: We still do, to a large extent, the exact things that we did that resulted in our original weight loss. And we do them, as often as possible, because we love them. In my case, I went from enjoying walking, to enjoying running, to wanting to learn how to swim again, to wanting to learn how to actually bike. And now, I'm five weeks out of a 70.6mi triathlon, around two years from when this all really started.

For those who skipped the video (seriously, please watch it. It's a good one!), the premise is simple. Sharma uses a tension band and a volunteer to explain how difficult it is to maintain the habits that lead to significant weight loss. By representing both diet and exercise as 'tensions' on this band, and asking the volunteer to hold it 'indefinitely', we can see how continuing to exert resistance against constant forces is difficult, and- in some cases- near impossible.

That said, the presentation felt bleak. He described it as 'depressing'.  Personally, I describe it as incomplete.

See, here's what he missed: No one in their right mind wants to hold a tension band like that indefinitely. What a terrible fate that would be. It is restrictive, it is exhausting, and it serves absolutely no purpose. It is the perfect analogy in so many ways, but he didn't fully explain why...

To sustain long-term behaviour change, whether it is changing your diet, increasing your exercise load, being less sedentary, kicking a bad habit like smoking, or starting a new one like making your bed, you need to create patterns that can be easily sustained for the rest of your life. 

Yeah, I know that sounds scary. And that's the problem. We've convinced the world that any sort of permanent change is not only hard (which, it definitely can be) but also 'scary' (which it often actually isn't) And since we so heavily associate fear with negative emotions, we get overwhelmed at the idea of doing something forever.

Think about it. How few things in this life do we take on that are actually forever. 
In many (most) cases, we leave ourselves an exit strategy whenever possible.

But we don't always take the exit lane.
Why not? Becomes there are some things in our life that are so totally awesome that we don't ever want to give them up!

For some, its their marriage. For others, their children. For others, their pets, their homes, their hobbies...most of us have thing in our life that evoke such strong passion that we would never ever want to 'exit' away from them.

And when you are that motivated by your passion or love for something, the fear of it being forever begins to fade, and it gets replaced by hope.

I hope this never goes away. I hope things can stay like this forever. 

Hope is a lot more motivating that fear.

Going back to our tension band example, I wonder how differently the experiment would have been if we had asked the volunteer what their favourite activity in the world was. Skiing? Surfing? Lying on a beach? Cooking new foods? Playing with their kids? Snuggling with their spouse?

And if we had asked them then: "Do you think you could do that, most of the time, forever?" I wonder if their answer wouldn't have been a lot more positive.

Perhaps we would have heard some reservations or restraint: I don't really want to do the same thing, all the time, for the rest of my life...no matter how much I love it.

I get you. I wouldn't want to either.

What if I told you that you could do different pleasurable, enjoyable things that bring you happiness and joy, in varying combinations...would you be ok with that situation lasting forever?

I supposed you could find a few people who would still push back, but I suspect that they are few and far between.

And this is exactly how we need to start talking about diet and exercise/physical activity.

Eating food that makes your body feel great isn't a punishment. Moving your body in fun, exciting ways isn't a punishment. Both of these are actually super rewarding things that are easy to embrace once you have wrapped your head around the concept that they can bring you joy.

And it is infinitely easier to do this when we add in the variety component. "Healthy" food and movement choices abound. There are literally millions of different ways to eat and move your body that are safe, positive, and healthful. The sky is literally the limit when it comes to the possibilities.

But that's not what we tell fat people. We tell fat people that they are undeserving of happiness unless they reduce their body size. And then we tell them that they don't have the strength or discipline or character to reduce their body size.

And while we may not intend to do it, as a society, we are literally creating the problem by perpetuating myths about body weight, weight loss and weight management that just aren't true.

We prescribe super restrictive diets, knowing full well that restrictions of this nature fail.
We prescribe super intimidating, 'daily' exercise regimes that are (often) boring, and generic, failing to tap into the individual's inner motivations and drives.
We tell people that deprivation is the only way, and "coach" them out of simple pleasures on the pretence that these things are inherently "bad".
And we do all of this while reenforcing the archaic belief that there is only one acceptable body type, and that the vastness of the human experience can be summarized by the numbers on a scale or the ratio of fat on your body.

We do this, despite the fact that science has been telling us for a really, really long time that this is ineffective.
It's been telling us that these practices are harmful.
It's been telling us that the 'tension band method' is actually backfiring catastrophically.

 

So, in that sense, Dr. Sharma is right. We need a paradigm shift on obesity, because what we have been doing isn't working.

But where I disagree with him is what that paradigm shift looks like.

I propose, instead of medicalizing and further pathologizing the human body experience, we instead move ourselves away from 'weight' discussions as a whole.

Instead of talking about what individuals have to lose, we need to start talking about what we have to gain by making positive, meaningful, passionate changes in our every day routines. 

Because adding activites and habits into our lives that bring us passion and joy, and encourage our body to work the way that it wants to is an experience of growth, not loss.

So let's stop asking ourselves what we need to cut out of our lives and start talking about what we need more of.

Does your diet need tweaking? Try adding more vegetables! If you eat them first, and listen to your body, the odds are pretty strong that you won't need to eat more servings of dessert than just the one.

But can you still eat dessert? Of course you can! And you should. Food is supposed to be pleasurable.
Do you spend a lot of time sitting down? Don't worry about sitting 'less'- just try walking a little bit more. Maybe an extra 100 steps a day? Maybe taking the stairs instead? A little bit more can go a very long way, and you'll surprise yourself by how quickly 100 steps turns into 1000!

Do you love to dance? Ski? Swim? We all have a few activities that are intensely appealing to us. I bet you already know where I am going with this: do them more. Seriously. Put time aside in your life for the things that make you feel fantastic! Not only do you deserve it, but it will serve you tenfold in terms of your mental health and stress levels.

So, what if your favourite hobby isn't active? Do more of it anyway. Don't do things for the calorie burn. Do them because you want to do them. Life is too short to not do the things you love.

But ask yourself this: Are there any things that are active that I've always wanted to try?

Do those too. Try them all. Check out that Zumba class. Find out what it feels like to throw an axe.
Learn how to ride a bike. Find a way to move that seems like fun. And if it isn't- if you genuinely hate it- walk away and don't look back. Again, life is too short to waste your time on activities that you hate.

Don't want to do it alone? Find a friend! Don't have a friend in person who can help? Find an online group! Can't afford it? Check out free programs or talk to your local YMCA (most have access programs for low income families). Need help connecting with resources? Hit me up with a comment and I'll see how I can help. I have some mad google skills. ;)

So, what about all those 'recommendations' that professionals give us?
 I know. There's one final point I need to hit. Dr. Sharma tells us to talk to professionals (though he glaringly forgets to mention exercise specialists, who are probably infinitely more helpful here than a GP would be...). And he's right. I say that it's probably a good idea to listen to the medical and scientific community and follow their guidelines, to a large extent. But that doesn't mean that you can't find fun, meaningful ways to follow them. And it doesn't mean you have to leap in, head first, and do them all at once.

Remember, health is a whole body process. Weight is one way that your body indicates to you that its environment might need some tweaking. But it necessarily tell you that, and it hardly ever tells you the whole story.

I can't speak for everyone, but I feel confident speaking for myself: I'd far rather run, swim, cycle and dance for the rest of my life than hold a tension band. And the more time I spend doing those things, the less time I ever think about how much I weigh.

Changing one thing about your life for the better is a step in the right direction! Even if that one thing is as simple as lowering your stress level by balancing your bank accounts once a week so that you feel more in control and in charge. Even if you only do it once, it's better than never having done it. But remember that forever is only scary if you are being asked to do things that you hate.

Just do you.
Do your happy. Do your joyful. Take risks. Be daring. Be hopeful.
The rest will follow.

"Forever" is actually a really short time. Make the most of it, while you're here.

STOP THE LIES: "It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change"

We've all heard this one before, from just about every new fad diet on the market.

"No, really! This is NOT a diet. It's a lifestyle change/way of life/new mentality/fresh start/bla bla bla..."

Come on, now.

If it comes with a meal plan, and has any sort of weight loss goal associated with it, it's a diet.

Now- let's distinguish a bit here, because 'diet' is a tricky word.

There is "YOUR" diet- the food that you (and every other 'you' in the world) eats. Your diet may or may not have a meal plan, weight loss goals, nutrition goals, or be comprised of foods haphazardly tossed on your plate. Every person has their own diet- the intake of food that they engage in.

But, for the past fifty years or so, the fitness and weight loss industry has hijacked the word 'diet' and distorted it pretty seriously. So now, we must content with "a diet", which is significantly different that 'your diet'.

'A diet' generally implies caloric restriction for the purpose of reducing body weight. And there are TONS out there on the market.

But, people have gotten fatigued from this word "diet". They aren't interested in being sold a plan that feels shameful, restrictive, and- often- unhealthy.

So the fitness and weightloss industry adapts. And, in doing so, continues to appropriate terms as needed and completely distort their meaning.

The newest one is 'lifestyle', which might disguise itself with other similar types of euphemisms. But they all come down to the same thing: We don't want you to think that we are a 'diet'- because diets aren't things you want to buy anymore. So instead, we want to sell you a 'lifestyle'- because it not only sounds better, but it implies to you that you will need us...for the rest of your life!"

Double win for the industry.
Double lose for you.

Because, here's the thing. It's a lie...again.

The vast majority of programs that are touting these major new lifestyle changes are fully unsustainable in the long run, do nothing to help you plan for maintenance mode or to transition away from them, and do very little more than creating disordered eating patterns that take you about as far away from a natural food lifestyle as humanly possible.

You see, while eating a specific way (whatever that way might be) can be part of your lifestyle, following a specific meal plan is very rarely sustainable in long term situations. People don't live thirty or fifty years carrying food containers, special shake packets, microwave meals, or food journals around with them. Sometimes, restaurants happen. Sometimes, you eat over at a friend's house. Sometimes, you have a hankering for things that aren't on your plan.

So then we "cheat" (a term that I loathe, and will write more on later...trust me, I've got a list going.). And then we relapse. And then we need to start over, this time with a new diet 'lifestyle' plan.

Same goes for the fitness program. 30 minutes a day of the same dvds...indefinitely? Likely not going to happen. Variety is the spice of life, and pretty much the only way to ensure that your 'active lifstyle' doesn't wind up being a fleeting phase is by adding physical activity into your days in a variety of different ways. Your body is built to adapt, grow and evolve, and your fitness/exercise/activity routines must do the same.

So, a 'lifestyle change' that you can't actually sustain for the rest of your life...well, it's not a lifestyle change at all, now is it?

Now, have some people experienced transformative lifestyle changes using some of these programs as starting off points? Sure. You're reading from one of them.

But it wasn't the actual program that gave me that change. In fact, the more my lifestyle changed, the more I realized how incredibly problematic the programs I had been using really were. I hadn't been actually 'taught' anything about food, proper nutrition, muscles or cardiovascular needs...I actually didn't know ANYTHING except how to follow that program.  Beyond that, I was continuously subjecting myself to messaging that shamed my body and implied that I was not/would never be good enough- that I had to work harder, and constantly strive to be thinner/stronger/sexier/more appealing.

It was a head trip.

So once I was done with the program, or got bored, or found it didn't work for me, I would just quit.
My psyche was done taking a beating, and I needed to walk away in order to recover from the shame and disappointment that comes with being 'unsuccessful' and not seeing 'results'.

The programs were actually part of the cycle that was preventing me from getting into a sustainable lifestyle of health and wellness.

So, how does one actually make real lifestyle changes?

Well, it's actually pretty simple, even if it is easier said than done. The body of evidence indicates that long-term lifestyle changes are most successful when they:

a) Follow a plan that is personalized and tailored to your own goals (none of this mass market, 'we should all do the exact same thing and look the exact same way' bs) 

b) Are focused on making small, short-term progressive changes in manageable doses that all point towards specific long term goals.  

c) Focus on changing on behaviour at a time, only adding in more changes when the first has become part of the daily routine.  

d) Involve an active support network of people who are engaged in seeing you succeed, who care about you personally and have a socio-emotional relationship with you and are prepared to actively support you in your goals. (Again, we're not talking about someone who is only Facebook friends with you in order to sell you something.) 

Many different diet/fitness plans have some of these elements- but most are missing at least one or two critical components. Some  are trying to change too much, too fast while others are are too hyperfocused on long term goals, and make promises that are literally unachievable in the short term. Some use support groups, but sully these by creating a power dynamic by which pressure selling and false advertising/product claims are the foundation for the relationship. Others leave you hanging in the wind to fend for yourself when the going gets tough.

This doesn't mean that you should throw out every system out there! It just means that you need to be vigilent of what the real limitations are the systems and programs that you are using, and make sure that you find ways to fill in the missing gaps yourself.

Create goals, both long term and short term. Focus your attention on things that are in your control to change, and on making small, meaningful changes.

And enjoy the journey of self-betterment, whatever that might look like for you.

You deserve to be happy in the skin you are in, right now- in this moment.

The most important lifestyle change you can make is learning to love, respect, accept, forgive and celebrate yourself.

  

STOP THE LIES: "It is much harder to get into shape than it is to maintain that shape..."

Today, I'm doing something a little different. Following several conversations at the gym and a few in my personal life, I decided to unpack a very specific claim in a very specific program (that, for the most part, isn't actually entirely terrible...except for crap like this.)

Beachbody's "21 Day Fix" program has been all the rage with many people that I know lately. I have done it myself. Heck, I continue to use a (heavily) modified version of the meal plan, and still use the work outs on days when the gym feels too far away.

The idea is relatively simple: There's an exercise every day (roughly 30 minutes) that you complete, and you eat foods off of a specific list that you portion out into containers, based on how many calories the program believes that you should eat (which is extremely problematic, on its own, but not the topic of today's post...I'll keep that one for another day.)

The foods on the list are well chosen. The work outs are well designed. And most people who follow it, myself included, will have some excellent weight loss results.

So if your goal is to lose weight, there is no doubt that this will likely help you get there. But there are some serious flaws with the system- and one of the biggest is its utter and complete disregard for the fact that- at some point- the weight loss actually has to stop.

I mean that literally. There will come a point where you should no longer be trying to lose weight.
But 21DF doesn't actually tell you when that point is. Ever. It mentions maintenance as a casual footnote, and gives virtually no indication of how to properly transition into a maintenance mode that is sustainable.

In fact, this is their FAQ note on maintenance, taken directly from their page:

"What is maintenance work?
It’s much harder to get into shape than it is to maintain that shape once you get there. You can generally maintain a level pretty close to peak fitness with about half the volume of your program. To maintain, you can utilize many different forms of training but the easiest is often 3–4 days per week of the program you just finished. It will decline slowly over time, but you’ll probably start another program or activity to pick up the slack after awhile."

The lies. The lies. They hurt my head. 
Sigh.
Okay, let's unpack this, one phrase at a time.

1- It’s much harder to get into shape than it is to maintain that shape once you get there.
No, it is NOT much harder to get into shape than it is to maintain that shape once you get there. The science on this is CRYSTAL clear. It is infinitely harder to maintain your weight loss than it is to lose the weight in the first place, so much so that 65% of dieters will return to their pre-diet weight within 3 years of their weight loss. Maintaining a weight loss is hard work, and it is a project that most who have had success have had to invest significant time, effort and money into managing. I don't care what BB says. That first line is just a plain out lie, and anyone with any sort of back ground in physiology and obesity studies will confirm that. 

2- You can generally maintain a level pretty close to peak fitness with about half the volume of your program. Alright, so this line barely even makes sense. Half the volume of what? The work outs? (So you should only do 3 or 4 work outs a week to maintain? Even though that little exercise would go against all the health recommendations for minimal activity standards?) Or the diet? (So you should eat whatever you want for half the week? And you won't gain back that way? Because...magic?) 

Here's the deal: The only way to maintain 'peak' fitness is to train at 'peak' levels. Ask any athlete- once you drop your peak training regimen, your body will react accordingly. If you want to maintain your body's composition, you will need to ensure that you are maintaining the elements that got you there: a strong, well planned diet that provides you with the calories you need for your daily activities (which, really, should always include at least some activity- even if it is light.)

3- To maintain, you can utilize many different forms of training but the easiest is often 3–4 days per week of the program you just finished. As I mentioned above, I'm not entirely sure what thy are trying to get at with the '3 to 4 days' per week idea here, but either way this is bs.

To "maintain" your body, you need to create a balance between your exercise levels (which, as we saw above, decline if you decline your activity) and your calorie intake. Weight, while more complex than it appears on the surface, generally comes down to a pretty basic formula: If you eat more calories than you burn, you will gain weight. If you eat less calories than you burn, you will lose weight. So, to maintain weight, you want to aim to eat as many calories as you burn, give or take. Now, of course, there are some deviations from that formula in terms of muscle mass and metabolic rate. But, generally speaking, maintenance is about finding your body's balance between the energy it expends and the energy it intakes. So unless you are making sure that the 3 or 4 days you take off don't exceed the 3 or 4 days you stay on, this advice for maintenance is really, really bad.

4- It will decline slowly over time, but you’ll probably start another program or activity to pick up the slack after awhile. Again, what does this even mean? What will decline? What slack? I thought you just told me that it was easy to maintain my weight loss, and that all I had to do was stay on my program for 3 or 4 days a week and all would be fine? What do you mean I will 'decline' slowly and need to pick up the 'slack'? Doesn't that imply that I'm not actually in a maintenance mode, at all???

Yes. It does. This advice literally will prevent you from going into a proper maintenance mode to begin with. Why? Well, Beachbody is *really* hoping that the 'program or activity' that you will choose to 'pick up the slack' with will be one of theirs. They aren't quite done making their money off of you, and- well...truth be told- proper maintenance mode just doesn't make them any extra cash. So they simply aren't going to tell you the truth about what maintenance is or how you can achieve that, because doing so doesn't contribute to their bottom line.

FACT: Part of the business strategy for any major diet company hinges of the statistical probability that you are going to regain weight...And generally speaking, it's a pretty strong likelihood that you will. But a big part of that is because no one is teaching you how to do proper maintenance work in the first place. 



It's a vicious cycle.

And, in the case of 21DF, it can be a dangerous one because I have personally witnessed several women continue to use the diet until their bodies are actually undernourished and underweight, two factors that are significantly greater health risks that being fat or even obese. 

Maintenance planning is an extremely important part of any weight loss project. Identifying healthy weight goals and working towards them is great- but remember to also take the time to ask yourself how you can sustain this goal.

Note: For those who want to engage in healthy maintenance using 21 Day Fix, it's actually really simple: Based on your weight, the 21 Day Fix plan gives you several variables, including a 'Caloric Baseline+400 (Fix Calorie Burn)". Now, granted, these are all estimates and are hardly personalized calculations...but, if you continue to do your work outs every day (so are getting in roughly 400 calories of energy expenditure) and are not seeking to create a deficit (so no longer trying to lose weight, because you are in maintenance mode), you should be aiming to eat 'roughly' the number of calories estimated in the "Caloric Baseline+400 (Fix Calorie Burn)" section. So calculate that number, and find the calorie bracket (portions) that is equivalent to that number and ensure that you eat at least that much food every day. If you work out more than predicted, eat more to account for it. If you don't work out as predicted, eat the same amount or roughly 400 calories less. 

There you have it- maintenance planning, made simple.

Now why couldn't they just have told you that in the first place?

Well...I think we already answered that one, now...didn't we?

****The following post is part of a series STOP THE LIES! aiming at deconstructing the hundreds (thousands?) of lies being told by the diet industry in an effort to shame people (usually women, but they are broadening their scope to men more and more...how very inclusive <eye roll>) into having unhealthy relationships with their bodies in an effort to sell them products. Enough is enough. It's time to expose these lies for what they are. 

STOP THE LIES SERIES: "All or nothing."

Today's post is going to be short, mostly because it is Friday night and I am exhausted from a long week.

Today, I went to yoga. I also had great plans to go do a HIIT interval training work out in the evening.

That didn't happen.

Why?

Because I am damn tired. And not the 'I just don't feel like it' tired. Or the 'I need a good excuse to work out' tired.

I am bone weary, struggling to keep my eyes open, "there isn't enough coffee in the world" tired.

So I skipped my evening work out.

And that was an excellent choice.

But it was a really, really hard choice...because I am an exercise-a-holic. (I write that pretty loosely, but I really do struggle with a diagnosed condition of obsessive-compulsiveness, and cardio is one of my obsessions...so skipping a work out is actually a really big mind trip for me, hence why i am writing this post.)

Listen- I know that they tell you to "never miss a work out". Or that, in order for something to become habit, you need to do it every day. Or that "the only bad work out is the one you didn't do".

But that's simply not true. It's actually terrible advice.

There are plenty of bad work outs- you'll know them when you feel them. When a seasoned runner just can't seem to get into their groove, and comes out of their run feeling terrible...they know it. When a lifter struggles to even get through basic reps with loads that they are more than comfortable with...they know it. When you are just 'off your game', and your muscles just don't want to do what you know they are capable of doing...you know it.

Sometimes, your body needs to rest.

For all of the 'exercise' programs out there and the plethora of information on how hard you need to 'work it to earn it', there is a shockingly small amount of information on the need for rest and recovery. This isn't really surprising- rest days don't make the diet industry any money. They can't sell you anything when you're asleep. They need you to feel like you need to perpetually be on the go- like if you aren't 100% all in, 100% all of the time you are failing.

That's how they make their money. By convincing you that you need them...all.of.the.time.

So I imagine it would shock you to learn that how much you sleep is actually more important to your health than how much (and what) you eat; that you can't 'out exercise' chronic fatigue and sleep deprivation; and, that while it's true that working out will give you more energy, nothing will give you more energy than getting an adequate amount of rest.

That's right kids. Rest and recovery are actually really crucial to how you function. And not prioritizing rest and recovery (including sleep) can not only lead to weight gain, but can also lead to injury. And, trust me when I say that nothing messes with your fitness goals more than an injury.

So while I'm not advocating skipping out on every work out because you are "tired"...knowing the difference between lethargy (A lack of energy, generally caused by a lack of enthusiasm and inactivity) and fatigue (your body's legitimate, physiological exhaustion, requiring rest and recovery in order to restore itself) is one of the most important lessons you can learn.

Your body restores itself during recovery periods- even more so when you sleep. This is when your muscles repair their tissue (which is the process that leads to bigger muscles), when it regulates its growth and hunger hormones, and when your brain does a great big chunk of its self-restoration. So yeah, sleep is a pretty big deal, outside of keeping you from just feeling tired.

So while you think it might be a good idea to skip that 'stretch' day in your program to hop yourself up on an extra cardio session, sometimes you need to listen to your body cues and know when to pull back instead of pushing forward.

So if you are fatigued, for the love of all that is good, sit this one out. Do yourself a favour and instead of hitting the gym, hit your pillow and give yourself an extra hour of sleep.



Skipping one work out will not derail your goals. You will not break all your good habits in one day. You will not put back on all the weight you've lost, or lose all the muscle you've gained.

All you will do is give your body an extra day to recover from all the stresses you put on it every day, and become better able to perform for you physically and mentally.

And better performance is worth forcing yourself to take the break.

The following post is part of a series STOP THE LIES! aiming at deconstructing the hundreds (thousands?) of lies being told by the diet industry in an effort to shame people (usually women, but they are broadening their scope to men more and more...how very inclusive <eye roll>) into having unhealthy relationships with their bodies in an effort to sell them products. Enough is enough. It's time to expose these lies for what they are. 

STOP THE LIES SERIES: "You need to dramatically change your eating patterns to change your body"

This month, we're talking about lies and breaking down the myths and pseudo-science that the fitness industry propagates in order to capitalize on your body-insecurity. Sometimes these lies and black and white constructions (we'll get to some of those); other times, it's the partial truths or manipulation of facts that wind up getting us in the end.

Today, we're going to look at one of the most pervasive half-truths out there: "Weight loss (Fat Loss/Health/Insert-Catch-Phrase-Here) is 80% diet, 20% exercise."

There are some variations on this theme, but they ultimately amount the same thing: What you eat is more important to your health than how much you move your body, especially if your goal is trying to lose weight. 

This myth is based on the fundamental premise: that all overweight people have a food intake problem. This has been the dominant paradigm in the weight-loss/fitness/health sciences for a long time, so it is understandable that people believe it. However, several recent studies on obesity are beginning to indicate that the reverse might actually be true.  Science is indicating that weight gain is actually what causes calorie intake to increase- and that sedentary behaviour (the action of not moving) is the real culprit for a population that is rapidly increasing in body mass.

This isn't to say that many of us don't eat more calories than we consume, but it is to say that implying that reducing our calorie intake is the key to good health is a bit of a stretch. 

While it may be (mostly) true that you can't 'out exercise' a very high calorie diet (though there are many people who actually do and do so healthily...we'll talk about that in another post), it is equally true that you can't 'out-eat' a sedentary lifestyle. What I mean by that is that evidence strongly indicates that it is a much greater risk to not get enough physical activity and exercise than it is to have a very high calorie diet, even if the former results in weight gain. 

With that in mind, let's look at today's myth: "You need to dramatically change your eating/exercise patterns to change your body."

The BS meter is dangerous high with this one. When we are told that we need to radically transform pretty much everything about our lives, overnight, in order to achieve any sort of meaningful change, we are outright lying. 

Every single change you make, no matter how tiny, is going to have an impact on your body. That's how physiology works. For better or for worse, your body is always working through your choices and making adaptations based on what you are doing. 

The not so great part of that is that all your bad choice impact you. Unfortunately, no matter what they say, calories do count on Valentine's day.

BUT the great thing about this is that every single good choice you make will impact you too! Which means that every time you choose the stairs over the elevator, or have a salad instead of fries, or go for a beautiful walk on a sunny day- every time you make a choice that ultimately favours your body functioning properly, you are going to have a slightly better body.

It may not be a lot. And it may not show up on a scale right away. But, if you play your cards right, it will show up in your life...and the scale eventually catches up, if you decide that you want it to.

So, if changing your diet is something that strikes you as overwhelming right now, rest assured that you absolutely can transform your body for the better just with exercise! Beyond that, if you are careful to not increase your calorie intake and keep it stable, increase in exercise WILL translate to weight loss. It may not be as rapid as going on a hyper restrictive diet; but health is a way bigger picture than your actual body weight, and- overall- increasing your activity levels will be healthier for you in more ways than just change your mass.

Habits take a while to form- we know that. We also know that changing habits in small doses is generally helpful in avoiding relapses and ensuring that the changes stick. There is nothing wrong with focusing 80% of your efforts on diet. And there is nothing wrong with making dietary changes in lieu of activity changes if you want to start there or are limited in what you can physically do.

If that's what works for you right now, then that's great. BUT, weight loss and health are simply more complicated than what you put on your plate. And sometimes, what goes on your plate is a more complicated equation than "does this fit my calorie count?"

Now, if you are looking to get as low a body fat percentage as possible, dietary changes will become inevitable. And that's ok. But it doesn't have to be your starting point.

Don't let diet stress become a barrier to your success. Calories are not your enemy. Food is your friend.
With body-love, 
Coach Zita

The following post is part of a series STOP THE LIES! aiming at deconstructing the hundreds (thousands?) of lies being told by the diet industry in an effort to shame people (usually women, but they are broadening their scope to men more and more...how very inclusive <eye roll>) into having unhealthy relationships with their bodies in an effort to sell them products. Enough is enough. It's time to expose these lies for what they are.