You'll note that I say "wellness" here, as opposed to "fitness" and "health". This is not accidental.
When I started this journey, neither 'fitness' nor 'health' (in the medical sense of the word) were my goals. Sure, I suppose losing weight and being overall more in line with what we define as conventionally healthy was important to me. But it was not my motivating factor.
What prompted me to take on this change was the unquestionable fact that I was, slowly but surely, losing complete sight of a balanced self-care.
Between two kids requiring a fair amount of support, and working a full time business, I was burning the candle at both ends.
I was tired.
So very tired.
Even if I slept a full night (which was rare between a young baby and chronic insomnia), I was tired.
And every day, I was feeling that tiredness setting in on my spirit and on my body. It became heavier and heavier, in the very literal sense of the word, until I was finally struggling to carry my 30 lbs preschooler around for longer than a minute or two.
And that was a pretty significant problem.
As my kids get older, and their needs evolve and change, it is very apparent to me that I will need a lot more physical strength in order to be able to keep up to them. Not being able to carry my children when they need me became a very real and tangible fear.
Something needed to change, and quickly.
I needed to get 'stronger'.
That was it. That was my goal. Not weight loss. Not a dress size. Not even social acceptance.
I just needed to be able to carry my 30 lbs preschooler and my 20 lbs baby in my arms and on my back as needed, sometimes at the same time, without feeling like I was going to die.
So I started to google...which of course led Facebook's targeted advertising to start showing me fitness ads in my feeds. All of these turned me off. I wasn't interested in being told that I could have "perfect abs in just six weeks" or that I could be "bikini ready" in just three months.
I was 100 pounds over my target BMI weight, a tool that I know too much about to put any stock into, and there was just no way that these promises were anything more than flat out lies.
I didn't have the energy for goals I couldn't achieve. I didn't have the energy to be shamed, or to look in the mirror every day and see nothing but a body that was interminably obese. My self-esteem couldn't handle it.
Also, and this is the kicker: I didn't have an issue with my fat body. I wasn't ashamed of it (gasp!) and reducing its size was simply not a priority for me. So I wasn't interested in becoming part of the weight loss craze. I wanted more for myself than a smaller waist.
But then, in the chaos of all of these false prophets, I saw one ad- posted by Lauren, a personal coach who represents Beach Body products, that didn't shame me. She talked about being stronger. She talked about doing something for "me" because I deserved it. She talked about "Positive and Healthy Living".
This message resonated with me. "Positive" and "Healthy Living". That's what I was looking for.
So she set me up with a program that she said would help me get stronger. And it did. A LOT stronger.
But it also had some unexpected results: better sleep, a desire to eat very differently because I was craving different foods (mostly protein), and an overall sense of self-worth and achievement!
I admit it. I was hooked.
I became addicted to taking care of myself.
I started finding little ways in my life where I could make changes: walking more every day, choosing stairs, going for walks to get some vitamin D, eating foods that made me feel good and discarding ones that did not.
Tiny changes...huge results.
But not the kind of results you'd expect at first.
I didn't lose any 'weight' for almost four months. I lost 'inches', but noticeably. On the surface, my body didn't really look all that different from where I had been before I started.
This was a little discouraging- but only because I kept falling back into the nasty habit of defining my success in relationship to my waistline. It took constant refocusing to bring me back to the bigger picture.
This wasn't about reducing my size. It was about increasing my capacity, in multiple different ways.
Now, a year later, I can tell you that there has been a size reduction and it is not insignificant.
But the biggest change by far is that I feel better about myself. I like my body and what it can do. I like feeling like I have accomplished something at the end of every day. I like taking the time every day to do something for myself and to make small improvements to my life.
I like being a work in progress.
And I like having both my kids in my arms. That's the kind of weight that I'll never complain about carrying.
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