A bit of a different direction on my writing this morning:
***
I did a thing yesterday.
I took part in a parade.
I cracked jokes all week about it being my 'personal version of hell'- but the real joke was that it is. In fact, I can think of few experiences that would test the limits of my ability to 'pass' more than this event.
What is passing? It's an "art"- I sometimes call it my dark art. It's a prison and it is privilege.
It's the phenomenon that exists when some of us manage to make ourselves appear not disabled for undetermined periods of time.
Not everyone can pass. Passing for Sam is a very rare thing. Sometimes, in a pool or at a park, there is enough going on that people don't notice the hand flaps, or hums, or the fact that he never actually responds to the other kids who apologize for bumping into him while waiting for the slide.
When seen in small doses, a casual observer may not notice my very, very openly autistic son. But it takes most people less than two or three minutes most of the time.
And, quite frankly, I'm kind of glad that passing isn't something I have the option of imposing on him. Sam's outright inability to pass spared him from many harmful therapies and 'treatments' aiming to do exactly that; to normalize, to transform into conformity, to break the Autisticness of his spirit and rebuild him into an automated version of 'typical'.
Unlike Sam, I never had the option of not passing- mostly because no one, not even myself, knew how differently my brain worked. I am from a time when 'gifted' was only seen as a positive, so my areas of need went unnoticed.
It was a time when stims, ticks and rigid routines were believed to be 'bad behaviour' and 'bossiness'; when social and general anxiety were seen as ways to get attention; when I was called dramatic or manipulative for trying to mimic social interactions that made no sense to me whatsoever; when I was told I was lying when I said that I could see sounds, and taste light; when I was told that I was lazy when I was practically failing math, despite stellar grades in every other subject; when I was told that I was a baby when I experienced pain differently than other people, sometimes being overwhelmed by paper cuts and other times not feeling broken bones for months at a time; when I was told that I was a slob because I didn't know how to organize my space; when I was told that I stupid because I couldn't read a map or tell my left from my right.
It was a time when we still believed suicide attempts to be 'cries for attention', not recognizing them as the very real signs of mental illness that they are. (Did you know that Autistic people are 28 times more likely to contemplate or attempt suicide in their teens than not Autistic people?)
Surviving meant learning how to pass.
Especially since I didn't know that I was disabled to begin with.
Now, as an adult with an entire alphabet soup of clinical diagnoses (which most accounts now agree amount to Autism), I am finally learning to release myself of the mental, emotional and physical labour that goes into pretending to be like other people.
For the most part. Sometimes.
Well, at least with some people.
Like 3 of them. At least.
It is really, really, really hard to unlearn everything about your behaviours, and to trust that the world will catch you. Because it doesn't usually- I've seen too many people fall through the cracks to believe that the world will provide me a soft landing. And right now, I can't afford to crash hard and break down. I have two kids, with two spectacularly unique minds, that need me to be their cushion. So now really isn't the time for me to focus on finding my own.
I shouldn't have to pass. But the world is really cruel and dangerous to people who don't pass.
And I need to think about my child who can't pass first.
Which means that, for now at least, I upkeep the things I have always done to help me pass- to help me blend in. Which- ironically- actually make me stand out...but in such a way as to convince people that standing out is my intention.
I seek situations where I can control the outcomes, often centering myself center-stage so as to minimize unpredictability and thereby restrict feelings of general anxiety.
I bring buddies with me to events, pairing myself with people who are socially comfortable and who make me look socially comfortable by association (Thanks Charlie and Ashley).
I cover my head with hats and my eyes with huge glasses- maybe people won't notice how seldom I actually look directly at them.
I cover my body with costumes so that they see the character, not the person.
I literally become a different person- or rather, an extreme version of myself. A caricature of who Zita would be if Zita was more like everyone else.
It's over the top. But it's safe and manageable. And it has kept me together for as long as I can remember.
I've played this role for so long that most people who only know me a little bit would swear that it is who I am and who I have always been.
What they don't know is that, by the time the parade was over, I had literally lost the ability to word. I sat in my car, ignoring my husband and children, for almost an hour. Then I sat at my best friend's house (who was kind enough to offer parenting support for the rest of the day because we both knew I would be a mess after I got home) for almost three, barely participating in the conversation and often having to leave the room to recenter myself, curling into a fetal position and rocking myself back and forth in the armchair.
I cried for at least 45 minutes when I knew I had to go back at teach that night.
I brought booze to bribe myself to get through it.
My bucket was as empty as it gets.
The parade took literally everything I have in me.
And it was the very definition of the all or nothingness of my disabled life.
So why did I go? That's an excellent question.
Even disabled people want to be a part of the community. While going to a parade may not have been my dream way of spending a Friday morning, being with the people who make me love being alive, and sharing in the experience of pride that the parade evoked was an opportunity that I didn't want to pass up.
See, the thing is that I have a job and it is literally the greatest job in the world. It's extremely active, requires tons of mental, physical and emotional energy- which is good, because I have too much energy and my body doesn't know what to do with it. It is creative. It is artistic. It is fun. It is silly. It is empowering. It is vulnerable.
It is the most "me" I have ever been in my entire life.
The people I get to share this job with are some of the best people I have ever met. They are funny, interesting, thoughtful, kind, considerate, inclusive, empathetic, supportive and accepting. This event was special to them- and that means it was special to me. And every single minute of it was worth it to get to witness the joy that they had at being part of something so spectacular.
Watching Charlie dance with my studio owner and mentor, and knowing that I am setting her up for a life of health and wellness, was a beautiful sight.
Dancing on the streets with children, women and men who feel empowered and capable of moving their bodies because of the model we have set in our studio filled me with pride and humility.
And doing burpees with a local newscaster is a story that I will enjoy telling when I am 108 and still doing burpees in my living room.
Just because something is hard doesn't mean it isn't worth doing.
And just because the physical aspect of the activity was difficult for me doesn't mean that the emotional and psychological benefits of feeling like I am part of a community don't outweigh the cost.
The parade wasn't 'fun' for me the way that it was for other people. But that doesn't mean it wasn't special. And I will do it again next year.
And it will be hard. And I will probably need my entire arsenal of 'passing tricks' to make it work.
But every day that I tell my story and immerse myself authentically into my community, unabashedly sharing my experience and openly discussing the challenges that confront those of us with different neuroprocessing needs, these tricks start to feel less and less like 'costumes' and more and more like 'tools'.
And maybe, just maybe- this time next year- while the outside world continues to the see the caricature of me that I need to create in order to navigate its complexities, a few more people on and off the float will recognize and understand that I do these things in order to be able to do for them what they do for me.
And maybe they will better understand that sharing joy with them in ways that make them feel truly joyous is worth it to me, even if it means spending three hours in my personal version of hell.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Monday, July 17, 2017
GWN2017 Ten Takeaways: Women's Issues
I'm starting to realize that writing posts in my head doesn't actually count as writing posts- and that my memory's capacity is starting to dwindle as I age. So I'm going to write things down before I forget everything.
On July 2, 2017, I participated in my second 70.3 mile distance triathlon. I had registered for it last year, the day of the race, when the adrenaline was still high from the event. At the time of registration, I had every intention of training harder and intensely than I had this year. After all, I wouldn't be in school and- theoretically- my work load would be reduced...theoretically.
Of course, life happens and my best laid plans did not come to fruition. Of course, even I could not have predicted that I would be able to train at all for the event. No more than half a dozen run, swim or bike sessions were executed from December of 2016 to June of 2017. I wasn't just under trained- I was under prepared.
Now, you might say "But Zita, you 'train' every day. You are constantly teaching group fitness classes and at the gym training others. Surely that counts the same way." But, as I will explain later, it does- and it really doesn't.
The race was successful- depending on how you define success. Some have told me that it was an even greater victory for me because of this lack of training factor. I don't feel that way, but there were definitely some major takeaways for me as an athlete and as a professional. I mean, when you are on a bike for 3 and half hours straight, and then running without music for another almost two and half, a lot of thoughts go through your head. Besides, the difference between this year and last year is that now I am not only an athlete; I am a trainer and coach in my own right, and have an increased perspective on the nature of this wonderful sport.
So here are my top ten takeaways from the race and how they will influence me in years to come, broken down into 3 major categories, each of which will be their own post: Women's issues, Performance, and Personal Epiphanies
Women's Issues
This is a pretty big header with a bunch of sub topics- and it is a topic I feel passionately about. In fact, I have argued that one of the only flaws to my PFT program is a very specific lack of classes and programming covering social topics in sports and fitness- many of which center around women's issues. Great White North presented me with multiple examples of just how important it is to start talking about these, not only from an academic/teaching perspective, but from a social acceptance perspective.
We do not talk about women's issues in sport performance, despite the fact that many amateur sport are dominated by women.
10. Menstruation: I already posted my rant about this on Facebook, but can we please start talking about the realities of menstruation as they affect performance. We glanced at this topic (barely) while I was in school, mostly focusing on elite level athletes who train to the point of losing their cycles. But that's a tiny percentage of our athletic population. Most women will menstruate regularly throughout the course of their athletic career. Fatigue, nausea, cramping, iron depletion, uncomfortable sanitary products and additional breaks have to be factored into performance. And while there are definitely new products on the market that alleviate some of these issues, they do not eradicate them.
At every transition location, I was equipped with midol, tylenol, sanitary pads and tampons. My cramps coming out of the swim were so severe that I almost had to pull from the race. Thankfully, drugs kicked in just in time and I was able to push through the event. I had to stop twice along my ride, because I am perimenopausal which leads to unpredictable menstrual patterns, and race day unfortunately happened to be a particularly tough one.
I lost at least 4 minutes on my race from these breaks, one on the bike and one on the run. These minutes were literally the difference between making my goal time and not making it. While I realize that everyone has physiological issues that they have to deal with that affect performance, it would sure be great if we acknowledged that 50% of us have to deal with these about 10-20% of our performance careers. And, while there's really not much that we can do about the impact that it has, I do think that we, as athletes, as trainers, and as educators, need to start being a lot more transparent about the fact that menstruation is a consideration that should be factored by all trainers and athletes in to both training programming and performance prep. I was fortunate that I was prepared. It would have been a very different race if my cycle had started unexpectedly early.
9. "Mothering" while performance training. Now don't get me wrong- my husband is amazing- better than virtually anyone I know when it comes to sharing the parenting load. He is not the problem here. But one thing I experienced in droves last year was social shame for the amount of time training took away from my family. I was constantly reminded of how hard my husband worked at his full time job (which he does, but it bears mentioning that I was working practically full time, coordinating multiple part time jobs to do so, while also carrying a full time course load.)
And while that shame never once came from my spouse, it took a toll on me emotionally. By the time last year's race came around, I was overwhelmed by guilt and convinced that every time my children had a tantrum, it was the result of their mother's perpetual absence. When I discuss this phenomenon with other athletes, I get very different reactions from the men- who tell me that I need to just ignore these comments and that I shouldn't let them bother me- and the women, whose most common response is something along the lines of "ME TOO!".
The fact of the matter is that training for ultra distance events is an extremely time consuming hobby, and that- on a social level- we are still much more tolerant of men taking time away from their families to pursue personal interests than we are in women doing so. Finding time for training is simply a different challenge for women with children. And, quite frankly, I field enough questions about my family missing me as a working mom- I'm sure not a fan of having to deal with them as a training athlete.
8. Sexism and female body shaming:
Last year, during the run, I distinction remember seeing athletes with their tri tops zipped down to their navel. As it was bloody hot out, I remember admiring this tactic and thinking to myself that I wish I had the confidence to do that too.
This year, I went into the race determined to not let body issues hold me back. And when my collar felt too tight on my bike ride, I unzipped it approximately 4 inches, about an inch below the strap of y sports bra. No biggie, right?
Wrong.
As I entered into transition, a male official informed me that I had to zip up my top. When I asked why, he stated "Modesty rules. Your torso must be covered." Despite my rush, I noted to him that this was a pretty sexist stance, to which he replied "No it isn't- the men have to do it too." My husband was there to witness this entire interchange. And while I would have loved to have stayed and argued with him if, you know, it hadn't been a race. But it was, so off I went...to fume for the entire ~2.5 hours of my half marathon.
You see, scrolling through the GWN pictures confirmed to me exactly what I knew to be true. Yes, the 'modesty' rules apply to both men and women equally...on paper. But these are NOT enforced equally at all. In fact, I would state that roughly 40% of men along the race course were showing infinitely more skin that I had been. On many, I was able to see their navels. Don't believe me? The pictures speak for themselves.
Now, it is possible that these men- unlike me- waited until after they had gone through transition to loosen their tops. It might have been foolish of me to do so right at the transition opening. But I suspect that there were at least some who, like me, were already immodest upon their arrival to the gate. And I have an extremely difficult time believing that all of these men were spoken to and just chose to ignore the rules. I have an even more difficult time believing that every single one was missed by the officials at either transition, or on the many stops on the run course. Let's not kid ourselves here, the men were not policed the way that I was.
Now, I did see *some* women daring to race immodestly, tops zipped down to the bra line. AND I saw at least two of them zipping themselves back up before getting to the finish line. Again, a cursory glance at the pictures will confirm that women are, directly or indirectly, forced to comply with modestly rules that men are allowed to freely ignore.
So while the rules may exist for both sexes, if these rules are inequitably enforced then intentions matter very little. Also, can we please stop using the term 'modesty' as if it is some kind of ideal or trophy. Showing less skin than I would if I was wearing a bathing suit may very well be a violation of the rules, but isn't 'immodest'.
This short conversation cost me both physical and mental energy that should have been directed into the race- and it only happened because I am female.
Post 2: GWN2017 10 Takeaways: Performance Learnings
On July 2, 2017, I participated in my second 70.3 mile distance triathlon. I had registered for it last year, the day of the race, when the adrenaline was still high from the event. At the time of registration, I had every intention of training harder and intensely than I had this year. After all, I wouldn't be in school and- theoretically- my work load would be reduced...theoretically.
Of course, life happens and my best laid plans did not come to fruition. Of course, even I could not have predicted that I would be able to train at all for the event. No more than half a dozen run, swim or bike sessions were executed from December of 2016 to June of 2017. I wasn't just under trained- I was under prepared.
Now, you might say "But Zita, you 'train' every day. You are constantly teaching group fitness classes and at the gym training others. Surely that counts the same way." But, as I will explain later, it does- and it really doesn't.
The race was successful- depending on how you define success. Some have told me that it was an even greater victory for me because of this lack of training factor. I don't feel that way, but there were definitely some major takeaways for me as an athlete and as a professional. I mean, when you are on a bike for 3 and half hours straight, and then running without music for another almost two and half, a lot of thoughts go through your head. Besides, the difference between this year and last year is that now I am not only an athlete; I am a trainer and coach in my own right, and have an increased perspective on the nature of this wonderful sport.
So here are my top ten takeaways from the race and how they will influence me in years to come, broken down into 3 major categories, each of which will be their own post: Women's issues, Performance, and Personal Epiphanies
Women's Issues
This is a pretty big header with a bunch of sub topics- and it is a topic I feel passionately about. In fact, I have argued that one of the only flaws to my PFT program is a very specific lack of classes and programming covering social topics in sports and fitness- many of which center around women's issues. Great White North presented me with multiple examples of just how important it is to start talking about these, not only from an academic/teaching perspective, but from a social acceptance perspective.
We do not talk about women's issues in sport performance, despite the fact that many amateur sport are dominated by women.
10. Menstruation: I already posted my rant about this on Facebook, but can we please start talking about the realities of menstruation as they affect performance. We glanced at this topic (barely) while I was in school, mostly focusing on elite level athletes who train to the point of losing their cycles. But that's a tiny percentage of our athletic population. Most women will menstruate regularly throughout the course of their athletic career. Fatigue, nausea, cramping, iron depletion, uncomfortable sanitary products and additional breaks have to be factored into performance. And while there are definitely new products on the market that alleviate some of these issues, they do not eradicate them.
At every transition location, I was equipped with midol, tylenol, sanitary pads and tampons. My cramps coming out of the swim were so severe that I almost had to pull from the race. Thankfully, drugs kicked in just in time and I was able to push through the event. I had to stop twice along my ride, because I am perimenopausal which leads to unpredictable menstrual patterns, and race day unfortunately happened to be a particularly tough one.
I lost at least 4 minutes on my race from these breaks, one on the bike and one on the run. These minutes were literally the difference between making my goal time and not making it. While I realize that everyone has physiological issues that they have to deal with that affect performance, it would sure be great if we acknowledged that 50% of us have to deal with these about 10-20% of our performance careers. And, while there's really not much that we can do about the impact that it has, I do think that we, as athletes, as trainers, and as educators, need to start being a lot more transparent about the fact that menstruation is a consideration that should be factored by all trainers and athletes in to both training programming and performance prep. I was fortunate that I was prepared. It would have been a very different race if my cycle had started unexpectedly early.
9. "Mothering" while performance training. Now don't get me wrong- my husband is amazing- better than virtually anyone I know when it comes to sharing the parenting load. He is not the problem here. But one thing I experienced in droves last year was social shame for the amount of time training took away from my family. I was constantly reminded of how hard my husband worked at his full time job (which he does, but it bears mentioning that I was working practically full time, coordinating multiple part time jobs to do so, while also carrying a full time course load.)
And while that shame never once came from my spouse, it took a toll on me emotionally. By the time last year's race came around, I was overwhelmed by guilt and convinced that every time my children had a tantrum, it was the result of their mother's perpetual absence. When I discuss this phenomenon with other athletes, I get very different reactions from the men- who tell me that I need to just ignore these comments and that I shouldn't let them bother me- and the women, whose most common response is something along the lines of "ME TOO!".
The fact of the matter is that training for ultra distance events is an extremely time consuming hobby, and that- on a social level- we are still much more tolerant of men taking time away from their families to pursue personal interests than we are in women doing so. Finding time for training is simply a different challenge for women with children. And, quite frankly, I field enough questions about my family missing me as a working mom- I'm sure not a fan of having to deal with them as a training athlete.
8. Sexism and female body shaming:
Last year, during the run, I distinction remember seeing athletes with their tri tops zipped down to their navel. As it was bloody hot out, I remember admiring this tactic and thinking to myself that I wish I had the confidence to do that too.
This year, I went into the race determined to not let body issues hold me back. And when my collar felt too tight on my bike ride, I unzipped it approximately 4 inches, about an inch below the strap of y sports bra. No biggie, right?
Wrong.
As I entered into transition, a male official informed me that I had to zip up my top. When I asked why, he stated "Modesty rules. Your torso must be covered." Despite my rush, I noted to him that this was a pretty sexist stance, to which he replied "No it isn't- the men have to do it too." My husband was there to witness this entire interchange. And while I would have loved to have stayed and argued with him if, you know, it hadn't been a race. But it was, so off I went...to fume for the entire ~2.5 hours of my half marathon.
You see, scrolling through the GWN pictures confirmed to me exactly what I knew to be true. Yes, the 'modesty' rules apply to both men and women equally...on paper. But these are NOT enforced equally at all. In fact, I would state that roughly 40% of men along the race course were showing infinitely more skin that I had been. On many, I was able to see their navels. Don't believe me? The pictures speak for themselves.
Now, it is possible that these men- unlike me- waited until after they had gone through transition to loosen their tops. It might have been foolish of me to do so right at the transition opening. But I suspect that there were at least some who, like me, were already immodest upon their arrival to the gate. And I have an extremely difficult time believing that all of these men were spoken to and just chose to ignore the rules. I have an even more difficult time believing that every single one was missed by the officials at either transition, or on the many stops on the run course. Let's not kid ourselves here, the men were not policed the way that I was.
Now, I did see *some* women daring to race immodestly, tops zipped down to the bra line. AND I saw at least two of them zipping themselves back up before getting to the finish line. Again, a cursory glance at the pictures will confirm that women are, directly or indirectly, forced to comply with modestly rules that men are allowed to freely ignore.
So while the rules may exist for both sexes, if these rules are inequitably enforced then intentions matter very little. Also, can we please stop using the term 'modesty' as if it is some kind of ideal or trophy. Showing less skin than I would if I was wearing a bathing suit may very well be a violation of the rules, but isn't 'immodest'.
This short conversation cost me both physical and mental energy that should have been directed into the race- and it only happened because I am female.
Post 2: GWN2017 10 Takeaways: Performance Learnings
Monday, July 10, 2017
10,000 hours...
I've have some thoughts tickling my brain this week that I feel compelled to put out there in the universe. This isn't really related to fitness as much as it is related to my experience in the industry thus far.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become proficient in your activity; to develop expertise.
Putting that into context, we're talking about at least 5 years of 40 hours/week with no vacations or days off. That's a lot of hours.
It is literally about 95% more than what I have done so far. I'm about 1/20th of the way into 'expertise'.
The idea goes that the more you do something, the better you become at it.
This is probably true, for the most part. I'm not going to knock the value of practice.
But I have something to say about 10,000 hours....
While I may be new to Personal Fitness Training, I've spent the past 20 years directly or indirectly involved in coaching, mentoring or training others- I've been a Trainer for as long as I can remember.
Whether it was as a swim coach, gymnastics instructor, voice teacher, employee trainer, General Manager, Strategic Planner, Small Business Coach, or now as a PFT, helping others work their way through the learning process of setting goals and achieving them has been my life's work.
All told, I've banked way more than 10,000 hours in the "leadership" field. So, while I'd hesitate to refer to myself (or anyone else, for that matter) as an expert on Leadership, I'd like to think that I've picked up a few things along the way.
And if there's one thing I have learned, it is this:
An hour to one is not an hour to all.
What I mean is that: quality almost always trumps quantity.
An hour of poor quality training/effort is worth very little.
Conversely, ten minutes of fully focused, fully engaged learning and growth can move mountains.
I recently had a conversation with colleagues about what qualifies an expert or a professional in my field. I took issue with the use of these terms being used interchangeably, just as I took issue with it being implied that I was *not* a professional because I am new to this field.
Let me be extremely clear here- I am not in any way challenging the knowledge and depth that comes with decades of experiences and working with hundreds of clients. There is absolutely NO doubt that, when it comes to movement mechanics, my knowledge is still academic and my practical experience is rudimentary.
But let's not conflate terms here. Inexperience doesn't negate me as a professional, nor does it automatically imply a lack of expertise.
This is my career. It is my life. I have spent the last three years fully immersed in this industry, including two years of full time, non stop post secondary experience. Despite being relatively new, I've already worked directly as a trainer with several dozens of different bodies, and have coached and facilitated group fitness with literally hundreds of different people. That's one the beauties of group fitness- I literally see no less than 100 bodies moving every single week. It's extremely valuable in terms of practical experience.
And, in my relatively short time in this field, I can confirm that my statement above stands as true for fitness training as it does for everything else: An hour to one is not an hour to all.
There are thousands of trainers who have been doing this longer than I have and the majority of them are probably better than I am right now.
They've logged more hours. I get how it works.
But while my hourly log has been shorter, I came to the game with a a few secret weapons: 1) almost two decades of work experience, in various fields, 2) an insatiable desire to learn, grow and excel, 3) an unwavering dedication to doing the best job I possibly can for my clients, and (here's the real kicker) 4) a whole lot of discipline.
If I don't know it, I will learn it.
If I don't understand, I will ask until I do.
And every single hour I spend in this trade, I spend 100% focused on the "prize"- delivering the absolute best experience I possibly can for the people I am working with.
So while I may only be at 500 or so hours, they've been 500 hours of "all in" effort; and, when it comes to performance, that effort will ultimately be the distinguishing factor.
The beautiful thing about lifelong learning is that I will never truly be an expert! The scope of human knowledge is simply too vast for me to ever immerse myself so completely as to truly be known as one- and most so-called "experts" will tell you that they are constantly still learning and being surprised by their field of interest.
Knowledge is as endless as the human experience. And if you are a passionate student, then you will only ever feel as though you are barely scratching it's surface.
But I am a professional. And I am skilled and knowledgeable. I bring passion, commitment and discipline to my field and I am growing as fast as I possibly can.
My hours are quality. And they are accumulating quickly.
So I might not be there yet, but give me half the time and I'll get there.
Game on, kids.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become proficient in your activity; to develop expertise.
Putting that into context, we're talking about at least 5 years of 40 hours/week with no vacations or days off. That's a lot of hours.
It is literally about 95% more than what I have done so far. I'm about 1/20th of the way into 'expertise'.
The idea goes that the more you do something, the better you become at it.
This is probably true, for the most part. I'm not going to knock the value of practice.
But I have something to say about 10,000 hours....
While I may be new to Personal Fitness Training, I've spent the past 20 years directly or indirectly involved in coaching, mentoring or training others- I've been a Trainer for as long as I can remember.
Whether it was as a swim coach, gymnastics instructor, voice teacher, employee trainer, General Manager, Strategic Planner, Small Business Coach, or now as a PFT, helping others work their way through the learning process of setting goals and achieving them has been my life's work.
All told, I've banked way more than 10,000 hours in the "leadership" field. So, while I'd hesitate to refer to myself (or anyone else, for that matter) as an expert on Leadership, I'd like to think that I've picked up a few things along the way.
And if there's one thing I have learned, it is this:
An hour to one is not an hour to all.
What I mean is that: quality almost always trumps quantity.
An hour of poor quality training/effort is worth very little.
Conversely, ten minutes of fully focused, fully engaged learning and growth can move mountains.
I recently had a conversation with colleagues about what qualifies an expert or a professional in my field. I took issue with the use of these terms being used interchangeably, just as I took issue with it being implied that I was *not* a professional because I am new to this field.
Let me be extremely clear here- I am not in any way challenging the knowledge and depth that comes with decades of experiences and working with hundreds of clients. There is absolutely NO doubt that, when it comes to movement mechanics, my knowledge is still academic and my practical experience is rudimentary.
But let's not conflate terms here. Inexperience doesn't negate me as a professional, nor does it automatically imply a lack of expertise.
This is my career. It is my life. I have spent the last three years fully immersed in this industry, including two years of full time, non stop post secondary experience. Despite being relatively new, I've already worked directly as a trainer with several dozens of different bodies, and have coached and facilitated group fitness with literally hundreds of different people. That's one the beauties of group fitness- I literally see no less than 100 bodies moving every single week. It's extremely valuable in terms of practical experience.
And, in my relatively short time in this field, I can confirm that my statement above stands as true for fitness training as it does for everything else: An hour to one is not an hour to all.
There are thousands of trainers who have been doing this longer than I have and the majority of them are probably better than I am right now.
They've logged more hours. I get how it works.
But while my hourly log has been shorter, I came to the game with a a few secret weapons: 1) almost two decades of work experience, in various fields, 2) an insatiable desire to learn, grow and excel, 3) an unwavering dedication to doing the best job I possibly can for my clients, and (here's the real kicker) 4) a whole lot of discipline.
If I don't know it, I will learn it.
If I don't understand, I will ask until I do.
And every single hour I spend in this trade, I spend 100% focused on the "prize"- delivering the absolute best experience I possibly can for the people I am working with.
So while I may only be at 500 or so hours, they've been 500 hours of "all in" effort; and, when it comes to performance, that effort will ultimately be the distinguishing factor.
The beautiful thing about lifelong learning is that I will never truly be an expert! The scope of human knowledge is simply too vast for me to ever immerse myself so completely as to truly be known as one- and most so-called "experts" will tell you that they are constantly still learning and being surprised by their field of interest.
Knowledge is as endless as the human experience. And if you are a passionate student, then you will only ever feel as though you are barely scratching it's surface.
But I am a professional. And I am skilled and knowledgeable. I bring passion, commitment and discipline to my field and I am growing as fast as I possibly can.
My hours are quality. And they are accumulating quickly.
So I might not be there yet, but give me half the time and I'll get there.
Game on, kids.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Excavating Wellness: Digging to the core
As I've explained, this year's blog challenge theme is about excavating wellness- uncovering the hopes, dreams and hidden potential hidden deep inside.
The purpose of this theme isn't to teach, coach or otherwise impart knowledge. My personal knowledge on this topic is very limited. I am still deep in the trenches, covered in the mud and dust of my own personal excavation process. I have discovered what lies beneath, but the process of unearthing it and bringing it to light- well, that's a lifelong journey.
But it's a journey that had to start somewhere, and for most of us it starts with ''digging deep'.
Digging deep has different connotations for different people, but most would describe it as a tapping into your very deepest psycho-emotional drives, and finding out 'what you're made of'...
what lies at the very core of who you are?
We talk about digging deep in moments of great stress or tension, tapping into this force to push us through difficult times or barriers. This internal power gets us through some of our most challenging times.
Which kind of makes me wonder what would happen if we 'dug deep' all the time.
What if, in everything we undertook, we asked ourselves the simple question:
How does this reflect the core of who I am?
Or, for those of us who are still in the excavation process: How does this bring me closer to the core of who I am?
Seems trite?
I know, I know...I can already hear the barriers and objections being raised...
Objector: You want me to ask myself how everything I do brings me closer to the core of who I am? Me: Yes.
Objector: So like, when I am choosing what to eat for dinner that night? I should ask myself- what kind of dinner brings me closer to the core of who I am?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Objector: Because it's just dinner?
Me: Is it?
You see, I could pick great, really relevant examples here and easily prove my point. There's no doubt that asking this question on big topics can help us really hone in on our vision and push past difficult scenarios.
Again, we covered that. We are generally pretty great at digging deep when it comes to the tough stuff.
But, for the most part, the tough stuff doesn't really account for most of our life experiences or most of our time. Sure, many of our biggest moments are defined by our toughest experiences. But the vast majority of our time is spent fluxing between 'mostly easy' and 'OK, this is starting to feel a little hard now...'
Truth: Most of your time is spent doing pretty mundane things.
So, let's talk about the mundane: Dinner.
How can dinner bring you closer to the core of who you are? Well, there are tons of ways- each dependent on your own personal vision of yourself. But, since I can't speak to your own experiences, the best I can do is offer some insight into mine:
Dinner in our home has always been the simple act of consuming food- there has been nothing routine or ritualistic about it in the slightest. We tend to eat at sporadic times, often separately, and generally not at the table. Part of this is that we have really erratic, unpredictable schedules. Part of this is that one of our kids has ARFID, which definitely complicates food routines.
But, truth be told, most of it is just really bad habits. And these habits lead to terrible things: more tv time than any of us need, less than optimal food choices, and losing hours and hours of precious together time that could have been so much better spent.
So lately, I have been really craving spending more quality time with my family, and dinner is one of those times where I think that changing a few habits can make a big difference in my life.
As silly as it sounds, how I approach dinner time can help bring me closer to my core vision for myself by increasing my sense of family, togetherness, health, nourishment, love and joy.
So how does this knowledge affect my dinner choices?
And that's just a starter list.
Of course, things won't always look like that. Sometimes, we will be in the car, heading home from the pool, and the kids will be tired, cranky and hungry, and we will be rushing to get them to bed, and my 'core' answers are going to be very different than they would be in different circumstances.
So, how can dinner choices, in that context, best serve the core of who I am? Well, by recognizing that sometimes we are best served by being flexible, by adapting to our circumstances, by prioritizing needs (hunger) instead of wants (an at home dinner routine), and by encouraging us to learn from the experience so that we can make different choices in the future.
Regardless, serving the core of who you are should always allow for self-forgiveness, when things don't quite go as planned.
Sometimes, digging deep and serving my core means planning an epic Mexican themed taco extravaganza that everyone can enjoy. And sometimes, it means going through the drive through. And that's ok too.
The key here isn't to make perfect choices all the time. It is to be intentional in our choices- to feel like we are making the best choices we can, under the circumstances, and to understand that we empowered in our decision making ability.
When we make empowered, purposeful choices, we shift our focus towards intrinsic motivation, which is the most sustainable path towards change.
The purpose of this theme isn't to teach, coach or otherwise impart knowledge. My personal knowledge on this topic is very limited. I am still deep in the trenches, covered in the mud and dust of my own personal excavation process. I have discovered what lies beneath, but the process of unearthing it and bringing it to light- well, that's a lifelong journey.
But it's a journey that had to start somewhere, and for most of us it starts with ''digging deep'.
Digging deep has different connotations for different people, but most would describe it as a tapping into your very deepest psycho-emotional drives, and finding out 'what you're made of'...
what lies at the very core of who you are?
We talk about digging deep in moments of great stress or tension, tapping into this force to push us through difficult times or barriers. This internal power gets us through some of our most challenging times.
Which kind of makes me wonder what would happen if we 'dug deep' all the time.
What if, in everything we undertook, we asked ourselves the simple question:
How does this reflect the core of who I am?
Or, for those of us who are still in the excavation process: How does this bring me closer to the core of who I am?
Seems trite?
I know, I know...I can already hear the barriers and objections being raised...
Objector: You want me to ask myself how everything I do brings me closer to the core of who I am? Me: Yes.
Objector: So like, when I am choosing what to eat for dinner that night? I should ask myself- what kind of dinner brings me closer to the core of who I am?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Objector: Because it's just dinner?
Me: Is it?
You see, I could pick great, really relevant examples here and easily prove my point. There's no doubt that asking this question on big topics can help us really hone in on our vision and push past difficult scenarios.
Again, we covered that. We are generally pretty great at digging deep when it comes to the tough stuff.
But, for the most part, the tough stuff doesn't really account for most of our life experiences or most of our time. Sure, many of our biggest moments are defined by our toughest experiences. But the vast majority of our time is spent fluxing between 'mostly easy' and 'OK, this is starting to feel a little hard now...'
Truth: Most of your time is spent doing pretty mundane things.
So, let's talk about the mundane: Dinner.
How can dinner bring you closer to the core of who you are? Well, there are tons of ways- each dependent on your own personal vision of yourself. But, since I can't speak to your own experiences, the best I can do is offer some insight into mine:
Dinner in our home has always been the simple act of consuming food- there has been nothing routine or ritualistic about it in the slightest. We tend to eat at sporadic times, often separately, and generally not at the table. Part of this is that we have really erratic, unpredictable schedules. Part of this is that one of our kids has ARFID, which definitely complicates food routines.
But, truth be told, most of it is just really bad habits. And these habits lead to terrible things: more tv time than any of us need, less than optimal food choices, and losing hours and hours of precious together time that could have been so much better spent.
So lately, I have been really craving spending more quality time with my family, and dinner is one of those times where I think that changing a few habits can make a big difference in my life.
As silly as it sounds, how I approach dinner time can help bring me closer to my core vision for myself by increasing my sense of family, togetherness, health, nourishment, love and joy.
So how does this knowledge affect my dinner choices?
- By pre-planning my meals, I can better organize time for it and ensure that every is able to eat at the same time and in the same place.
- By choosing healthy, nutritious foods that are filling for our meals, I can reduce fly-by snacking- which is the biggest thing that throws off our structured meal times. I also feel more positive about preparing food that I know is good for my family, and enjoy experimenting with new things in the kitchen.
- Different meal types lend themselves to different types of table time dynamics. Tacos, Build Your Own Pizza or Nachos, and Sloppy Joes set a different tone than a fancy four course sit down meal. By choosing options that are more fun focused, I can encourage my kids to see dinner time as a fun, social activity.
And that's just a starter list.
Of course, things won't always look like that. Sometimes, we will be in the car, heading home from the pool, and the kids will be tired, cranky and hungry, and we will be rushing to get them to bed, and my 'core' answers are going to be very different than they would be in different circumstances.
So, how can dinner choices, in that context, best serve the core of who I am? Well, by recognizing that sometimes we are best served by being flexible, by adapting to our circumstances, by prioritizing needs (hunger) instead of wants (an at home dinner routine), and by encouraging us to learn from the experience so that we can make different choices in the future.
Regardless, serving the core of who you are should always allow for self-forgiveness, when things don't quite go as planned.
The key here isn't to make perfect choices all the time. It is to be intentional in our choices- to feel like we are making the best choices we can, under the circumstances, and to understand that we empowered in our decision making ability.
When we make empowered, purposeful choices, we shift our focus towards intrinsic motivation, which is the most sustainable path towards change.
Saturday, August 13, 2016
#SBC Day 4: On Narcism, Fitness and Social Media
Yesterday, I posted an article to my facebook wall: People Who Post Their Fitness routine to Facebook have psychological problems, study claims. As expected, an interesting conversation broke out.
I don't tend to post my fitness practices to Facebook very often, anymore. I will sometimes post pictures of very specific things: new work out gear that makes me look cute, a PR run distance or speed, a comment about how nice it is to get back to the gym after an injury. But it's really unusual for me to comment every single day and tell people I am am going to/have come from/am currently in the gym.
That being said, I'd wager that about 80% of my feed is health and fitness related. I'm not entirely sure that this should be surprising to anyone; fitness and health are pretty big parts of my life. Not only do I work in the field (in four different capacities), but it is also my full time field of study. When it comes to the 'time motion analysis' of my life- thinking, writing and practicing health and fitness account for roughly 50% of my energy spent.
My friend Shannon shares a similar story. While fitness and health are neither her profession nor her field of study, they are absolutely massive parts of her life. Like me, Shannon experienced a massive weight loss following the integration of changes to her daily living practices- including going to the gym. Her response to my thread was the most interesting to me: "I post my workout routines. It is something that takes a significant part of my time and is an integral part of my life. If I didn't post about my workout stuff, I wouldn't really have much else to talk about."
I hear you, friend. If someone told me that I wasn't allowed to talk about my fitness/exercise passion anymore...well, I'd become awfully boring. And, like my professor said to me in an email last week, "the passion you have for this industry shines in your writing."
This is my passion. It is what I love.
Of course, I love other things too. But I post about those other things too.
My kids. My friendships. My marriage.
Sometimes I even post about things I am not passionate about, or things that make me angry.
I am doing that less and less lately. I don't want to immerse myself or others in more pain than is necessary. I am choosing my 'dark' topics more carefully.
Of course, I get in trouble for those 'dark' posts. I've even had people complain to my mommy about it. (*eye roll*)
And interestingly enough, I've read article that use the exact same shame tactics as the fitness one cited about for virtually every single topics I like to post about:
My Adventures in Parenting..
My Happy Marriage.
What I had for dinner.
Well, ok- maybe not that one. I am super duper not a food poster. But my point is this- I can probably find an article for every type of Facebook post that slams it as either narcissistic, oversharing, humble bragging, sanctimonious, or otherwise 'annoying' (See here, and here and here)
Yes, even cute posts of pets and memes of kitties made the annoying lists. Nothing is sacred.
That's quite the list of things I need to 'not' do on my social media stream.
Interestingly enough, there aren't as many lists about things that I 'should' do. And those that do are...well, pretty terrible.
Here's what I learned during the extensive (10 minutes) of research I did on this topic:
To be a 'good' Facebooker:
And the thing is, that no matter what you post- or the intention behind it- you actually have zero control over how it is perceived.
It's kind of like the explanation vs excuse thing. The only actual difference is how the person on the receiving end of the information wants to interpret it. If they feel sympathetic to you, it's an explanation. If they don't, it's an excuse.
If a person actually legitimately cares about you, your Facebook feed is likely to not bother them at all (or only a little). But if you are on their list solely for the purpose of being judged...well, it doesn't really matter what you write- they are going to judge it.
Years ago, I made a joke facebook status that read: You're so vain. You probably think this post is about you..."
I woke up to dozens of messages from people who actually thought it was.
So back to the original article: Apparently my fitness posts are both narcissistic and insecure.
I can admit to being insecure. I can even admit to being insecure about my body, my body choices, and my strong desire to have my body choices validated by others. This is what a culture of body shaming does to us. I'd be blown away if *most* of us didn't have significant body image insecurities. I'm working on overcoming these. It's a process.
As for narcissistic- well, I'm not sure I'd go quite that far. I'm definitely self-centered at times. And can be egocentric. And I'm sure that I have my moments of flirting with narcissism. So sure, ok- I'll take that hit too.
I am both insecure, and (at times) narcissistic. And I suppose that most aspects of my life sometimes reflect these qualities. And Facebook is where I share my life. So...
That being said, I'd like to challenge those who conducted this study to doing another one, in a similar vein. I would really like to know the psychological traits of those who read my status update and- in it- see an attack or a validation on their own character.
I would be very curious to know about the insecure traits of someone reading about how I went for a run today, and somehow translating that into "you are a bad person for not running", two things that are not actually related in the slightest.
I would be curious to know why pictures of my husband and I make others feel insecure about their own marriages.
Or why my 'fake' claims of actually being really happy and fulfilled in my parenting experiences most of the time make others feel like they aren't good parents.
The entire premise of posting a status update is self-centered. It's supposed to be. It's an update about you- the 'self'- and your own thoughts.
But what strikes me as really self-centered is the notion that we a) should have the right to dictate or shame what other people write about, b) that people should curate their own feed based on how you feel about their posts, c) that it is totally legitimate to assume that every person's post was actually written as a way to make you feel bad about yourself.
This might be one of the most 'narcissistic' and 'self-centered' things I ever post on social media, but I'll be pretty blunt here:
99% of what I post on social media has nothing to do with you. When I curate my feed, I curate it to make sure that it is not racist, sexist, ableist, or unnecessarily unkind, triggering or oppressive.
But what I post about my life I post because it is important to me.
Facebook is where I go to record my life. It's like a living journal. It's both deeply personal and (shockingly?) public, simultaneously.
And (for the most part) it brings me great joy.
Sure, sometimes it is boastful, or braggy, or only shows the highlight reel. But shockingly enough, I don't owe you or anyone else anything different. I have the right to post what I want, as I see fit. And if it isn't your bag, you have the option to unfollow or unfriend me.
Or, you know, you could just scroll past and move on with your day, remembering that not every post is going to appeal to you, or be about you.
I don't tend to post my fitness practices to Facebook very often, anymore. I will sometimes post pictures of very specific things: new work out gear that makes me look cute, a PR run distance or speed, a comment about how nice it is to get back to the gym after an injury. But it's really unusual for me to comment every single day and tell people I am am going to/have come from/am currently in the gym.
That being said, I'd wager that about 80% of my feed is health and fitness related. I'm not entirely sure that this should be surprising to anyone; fitness and health are pretty big parts of my life. Not only do I work in the field (in four different capacities), but it is also my full time field of study. When it comes to the 'time motion analysis' of my life- thinking, writing and practicing health and fitness account for roughly 50% of my energy spent.
My friend Shannon shares a similar story. While fitness and health are neither her profession nor her field of study, they are absolutely massive parts of her life. Like me, Shannon experienced a massive weight loss following the integration of changes to her daily living practices- including going to the gym. Her response to my thread was the most interesting to me: "I post my workout routines. It is something that takes a significant part of my time and is an integral part of my life. If I didn't post about my workout stuff, I wouldn't really have much else to talk about."
I hear you, friend. If someone told me that I wasn't allowed to talk about my fitness/exercise passion anymore...well, I'd become awfully boring. And, like my professor said to me in an email last week, "the passion you have for this industry shines in your writing."
This is my passion. It is what I love.
Of course, I love other things too. But I post about those other things too.
My kids. My friendships. My marriage.
Sometimes I even post about things I am not passionate about, or things that make me angry.
I am doing that less and less lately. I don't want to immerse myself or others in more pain than is necessary. I am choosing my 'dark' topics more carefully.
Of course, I get in trouble for those 'dark' posts. I've even had people complain to my mommy about it. (*eye roll*)
And interestingly enough, I've read article that use the exact same shame tactics as the fitness one cited about for virtually every single topics I like to post about:
My Adventures in Parenting..
My Happy Marriage.
What I had for dinner.
Well, ok- maybe not that one. I am super duper not a food poster. But my point is this- I can probably find an article for every type of Facebook post that slams it as either narcissistic, oversharing, humble bragging, sanctimonious, or otherwise 'annoying' (See here, and here and here)
Yes, even cute posts of pets and memes of kitties made the annoying lists. Nothing is sacred.
That's quite the list of things I need to 'not' do on my social media stream.
Interestingly enough, there aren't as many lists about things that I 'should' do. And those that do are...well, pretty terrible.
Now, I have a bit of a theory on this phenomenon. Apparently, studies show that 75% of people admit that they use Facebook as a way of judging other people. Because judging other people and belittling them makes us feel better about our lives.
So my theory is this: There is literally nothing you can write about on Facebook that will spare you from the ire of other.
Here's what I learned during the extensive (10 minutes) of research I did on this topic:
To be a 'good' Facebooker:
- I should be happy, but not too happy or it's clearly fake.
- I should share good news, but only if it isn't seen as being a humble-brag.
- I should post pictures- but not of my husband, my children, my food, my vacation or myself (unless taken by someone else).
- I should be aware of news events- all of them, or else I clearly don't care about the lives of every human- but I shouldn't be too negative, despite the fact that epic levels of tragedy happen literally every day.
- I am allowed to be proud of myself and of my life, but only to the extent that it doesn't make anyone else feel insecure about theirs.
- Only post support for the right political candidates. Who are the right candidates? Well, that depends...
- I should consider and predict the individual reactions of all 1000 people on my Facebook feed at every single minute of every single day and ensure that nothing I say makes anyone feel uncomfortable. Ever.
So...clearly this isn't what we would call 'feasible'. It's impossible, really. No matter what you write about, someone on the Facebook Police Squad is going to think that you are a terrible human being.
And the thing is, that no matter what you post- or the intention behind it- you actually have zero control over how it is perceived.
It's kind of like the explanation vs excuse thing. The only actual difference is how the person on the receiving end of the information wants to interpret it. If they feel sympathetic to you, it's an explanation. If they don't, it's an excuse.
If a person actually legitimately cares about you, your Facebook feed is likely to not bother them at all (or only a little). But if you are on their list solely for the purpose of being judged...well, it doesn't really matter what you write- they are going to judge it.
Years ago, I made a joke facebook status that read: You're so vain. You probably think this post is about you..."
I woke up to dozens of messages from people who actually thought it was.
So back to the original article: Apparently my fitness posts are both narcissistic and insecure.
I can admit to being insecure. I can even admit to being insecure about my body, my body choices, and my strong desire to have my body choices validated by others. This is what a culture of body shaming does to us. I'd be blown away if *most* of us didn't have significant body image insecurities. I'm working on overcoming these. It's a process.
As for narcissistic- well, I'm not sure I'd go quite that far. I'm definitely self-centered at times. And can be egocentric. And I'm sure that I have my moments of flirting with narcissism. So sure, ok- I'll take that hit too.
I am both insecure, and (at times) narcissistic. And I suppose that most aspects of my life sometimes reflect these qualities. And Facebook is where I share my life. So...
That being said, I'd like to challenge those who conducted this study to doing another one, in a similar vein. I would really like to know the psychological traits of those who read my status update and- in it- see an attack or a validation on their own character.
I would be very curious to know about the insecure traits of someone reading about how I went for a run today, and somehow translating that into "you are a bad person for not running", two things that are not actually related in the slightest.
I would be curious to know why pictures of my husband and I make others feel insecure about their own marriages.
Or why my 'fake' claims of actually being really happy and fulfilled in my parenting experiences most of the time make others feel like they aren't good parents.
The entire premise of posting a status update is self-centered. It's supposed to be. It's an update about you- the 'self'- and your own thoughts.
But what strikes me as really self-centered is the notion that we a) should have the right to dictate or shame what other people write about, b) that people should curate their own feed based on how you feel about their posts, c) that it is totally legitimate to assume that every person's post was actually written as a way to make you feel bad about yourself.
This might be one of the most 'narcissistic' and 'self-centered' things I ever post on social media, but I'll be pretty blunt here:
99% of what I post on social media has nothing to do with you. When I curate my feed, I curate it to make sure that it is not racist, sexist, ableist, or unnecessarily unkind, triggering or oppressive.
But what I post about my life I post because it is important to me.
Facebook is where I go to record my life. It's like a living journal. It's both deeply personal and (shockingly?) public, simultaneously.
And (for the most part) it brings me great joy.
Sure, sometimes it is boastful, or braggy, or only shows the highlight reel. But shockingly enough, I don't owe you or anyone else anything different. I have the right to post what I want, as I see fit. And if it isn't your bag, you have the option to unfollow or unfriend me.
Or, you know, you could just scroll past and move on with your day, remembering that not every post is going to appeal to you, or be about you.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
#SBC 3: "What's holding you back?"
As I explained, you won't be hearing the What's Your Excuse? type rhetoric from me, not as your trainer or your friend.
I think it's a BS line of reasoning that doesn't actually accomplish much except re-enforce the idea that your fitness goals shouldn't be about you, but are about society's idea of who you should be.
And that's not only ineffective for sustainable change- it's downright harmful.
And yet, many people- myself included- sometimes feel stuck in 'pre-flight' mode.
They want change.
They want to try new things.
They want to explore other ways of feeling good within their skin.
And they want someone to help them sort out how to do, and how to push through when they feel like they can't do it.
Which begs the question: When the will for change dries up, how does a body positive trainer motivate?
This might be the most important part of my job as a personal trainer. Most people who come to me aren't looking to maintain their progress. They are looking to evolve, grow and change their bodies and their lives in meaningful ways.
And- let's face it- that's not an easy process.
Let's begin by asking ourselves this question:
Why is change so hard?
That's a pretty complicated question that psychologists have been wrestling with for years.
One reason is that people naturally cling to what is familiar, even if what is familiar isn't comfortable. If the risk of change outweighs the cost of staying the same, often we will revert back to old patterns.
Take, for example, smoking: When we think of quitting smoking, the first thing that comes to mind is health related concerns. That's a pretty strong motivator, and for some people it is actually motivating enough. But for someone who is deeply addicted, who may not have other coping tools, who has mental health issues and who is already struggling to keep it together, the fear of dying 10 years earlier doesn't actually outweigh the fear of how they are going to get through the next 48 hours without their one coping mechanism.
That being said, if you were to tell that same person, "The next cigarette you have is going to kill you, immediately", you might see a different response in some people. At that point, for most people, the risk of smoking greatly outweighs the cost of quitting, even if they are in a state of crisis.
Cost vs benefit is a pretty difficult equation to map out. It's a deeply individual process.
Another barrier to change is that we don't always see positive benefits to our change habits, and this can feel demotivating and frustrating. This, again, relates back to the idea that the cost- what we have given up- doesn't outweigh the benefit that we are seeing in the immediate now. We know the long term is worth it, but that doesn't change the short term frustration.
And honestly, the most real answer- for me, anyway- is that habits are really hard to break. I find myself snacking on my kids' chips. Not because I'm hungry. Not because I'm emotionally eating. Not even necessarily because they are there.
I do it completely subconsciously, because it is what I have always done. And sometimes, I forget that what I am doing now is different from what I have always done until after I have done it.
Whatever the reason, old habits die hard.
So, getting back to our main question- how do we motivate change in a body positive way?
Part of that comes down to what the main motivator of the change is, and also the barrier in play.
Scenario 1:
Client: I don't want to work out today.
Trainer: No excuses. Get your gym clothes on.
The client might feel better about having done their work out, and they might even be able to remember that feeling in the future when they feel stuck again. But they haven't actually discussed the issue, and so both outcomes of those are really just gambles. It is entirely possible the client will actually feel worse, and that they will run into the same situation again.
Client: I don't want to work out today.
Body Positive Trainer: Why? What's holding you back?
Client: I am too tired and too busy.
Body Positive Trainer: What are you busy doing?
Client: I have a big assignment due tomorrow.
Body Positive Trainer: I hear that! Did you know that short bouts of exercise immediately improve academic performance? Doing exercise might even make you feel less tired.
Client: I know...but...
Body Positive Trainer: Listen, it's your choice- but you are here anyway. If you want to try and see how you feel after 15 minutes, we can do that. Remember, even 10 minutes goes a long way to making your feel more energetic and less stressed.
Client: Ok...
Body Positive Trainer: Why don't you choose which exercises we should start with. Then we can take it from there.
That conversation, above, is almost verbatim one that I had with a client. They stayed the entire session. And then, the next week, they messaged me to tell me that they exercised the night before their big exam in order to help them study for it. That's a client that now sees the cost/benefit equation of exercise vs. school very differently.
Of course, there were also a few a conversation that went like this:
Client: I don't want to work out today.
Body Positive Trainer: Why? What's holding you back?
Client: I feel really run down lately. I am just...tired.
Body Positive Trainer: How's your sleep been?
Client: It's been terrible. I am tossing and turning all night. It's so weird. I got tons of exercise in last week- I should be sleeping really well. But I am not, and my muscles still feel really sore from my work out three days ago.
Body Positive Trainer: Hmm...that doesn't sound like you're just 'tired'. That sounds like your body may be experiencing legitimate fatigue. It might be sending us signals that you need a bit of a break. I think we should postpone this session and respect your body. What do you think?
Client: Maybe. I just really don't feel up for it.
Sure enough, the next day, I got a message from the client saying that they were legitimately sick.
Not training the day before was the healthiest choice they could make.
In both scenarios, the key was the same: the first step was the uncover the barrier to motivation.
By asking "What's holding you back?", instead of "What's your excuse?", we create a judgement free space that allows us to really dig into the barriers to change, and uncover the root of the issue.
"What's holding you back?" is a neutral question. It doesn't imply than an explanation is owed, but opens up a space for judgement free dialogue about barriers.
Sometimes, the barriers are something that we can overcome.
Sometimes, they aren't.
But we don't know unless we ask, which means that we have to start from a legitimate place of respecting our change process, and understanding that change doesn't happen in a linear fashion. Habits, like everything else in life, ebb and flow and evolve and regress. Often, there are reasons behind these patterns that we aren't even aware of.
A What's Holding You Back? mentality allows us to validate the feelings associated with lifestyle and behaviour change, including fear and insecurity, and recognizes that a variety of factors affect our ability to effect change at any given moment.
Sometimes, you actually don't have time.
Sometimes, you actually don't have the energy.
Sometimes, you actually can't afford it, or don't know how to afford it.
Sometimes, you just need a break.
All of these things can be valid reasons for stepping away and catching your breath.
And yes, sometimes, your brain is playing tricks on you and you find out:
that you can find time,
that you do have the energy,
that you can learn skills that are economical and accessible for all levels.
that you need to move more than you think you do and
that it will make you feel better.
But unless you dig a little deeper and find out what's actually holding you back, you're never going to know.
Sometimes, the biggest hurdle to change is feeling like you have no support, no one to talk to.
Sometimes, someone asking you "What's holding you back?" is literally the best thing they can do for you.
Approach others- and yourself- with the non-judgmental presumption that we are all trying to do the very best we can for ourselves, with the tools that we have at the time.
You'll be amazed at what you can uncover when you start with that assumption.
I think it's a BS line of reasoning that doesn't actually accomplish much except re-enforce the idea that your fitness goals shouldn't be about you, but are about society's idea of who you should be.
And that's not only ineffective for sustainable change- it's downright harmful.
And yet, many people- myself included- sometimes feel stuck in 'pre-flight' mode.
They want change.
They want to try new things.
They want to explore other ways of feeling good within their skin.
And they want someone to help them sort out how to do, and how to push through when they feel like they can't do it.
Which begs the question: When the will for change dries up, how does a body positive trainer motivate?
This might be the most important part of my job as a personal trainer. Most people who come to me aren't looking to maintain their progress. They are looking to evolve, grow and change their bodies and their lives in meaningful ways.
And- let's face it- that's not an easy process.
Let's begin by asking ourselves this question:
Why is change so hard?
That's a pretty complicated question that psychologists have been wrestling with for years.
One reason is that people naturally cling to what is familiar, even if what is familiar isn't comfortable. If the risk of change outweighs the cost of staying the same, often we will revert back to old patterns.
Take, for example, smoking: When we think of quitting smoking, the first thing that comes to mind is health related concerns. That's a pretty strong motivator, and for some people it is actually motivating enough. But for someone who is deeply addicted, who may not have other coping tools, who has mental health issues and who is already struggling to keep it together, the fear of dying 10 years earlier doesn't actually outweigh the fear of how they are going to get through the next 48 hours without their one coping mechanism.
That being said, if you were to tell that same person, "The next cigarette you have is going to kill you, immediately", you might see a different response in some people. At that point, for most people, the risk of smoking greatly outweighs the cost of quitting, even if they are in a state of crisis.
Cost vs benefit is a pretty difficult equation to map out. It's a deeply individual process.
Another barrier to change is that we don't always see positive benefits to our change habits, and this can feel demotivating and frustrating. This, again, relates back to the idea that the cost- what we have given up- doesn't outweigh the benefit that we are seeing in the immediate now. We know the long term is worth it, but that doesn't change the short term frustration.
And honestly, the most real answer- for me, anyway- is that habits are really hard to break. I find myself snacking on my kids' chips. Not because I'm hungry. Not because I'm emotionally eating. Not even necessarily because they are there.
I do it completely subconsciously, because it is what I have always done. And sometimes, I forget that what I am doing now is different from what I have always done until after I have done it.
Whatever the reason, old habits die hard.
So, getting back to our main question- how do we motivate change in a body positive way?
Part of that comes down to what the main motivator of the change is, and also the barrier in play.
Scenario 1:
Client: I don't want to work out today.
Trainer: No excuses. Get your gym clothes on.
The client might feel better about having done their work out, and they might even be able to remember that feeling in the future when they feel stuck again. But they haven't actually discussed the issue, and so both outcomes of those are really just gambles. It is entirely possible the client will actually feel worse, and that they will run into the same situation again.
Client: I don't want to work out today.
Body Positive Trainer: Why? What's holding you back?
Client: I am too tired and too busy.
Body Positive Trainer: What are you busy doing?
Client: I have a big assignment due tomorrow.
Body Positive Trainer: I hear that! Did you know that short bouts of exercise immediately improve academic performance? Doing exercise might even make you feel less tired.
Client: I know...but...
Body Positive Trainer: Listen, it's your choice- but you are here anyway. If you want to try and see how you feel after 15 minutes, we can do that. Remember, even 10 minutes goes a long way to making your feel more energetic and less stressed.
Client: Ok...
Body Positive Trainer: Why don't you choose which exercises we should start with. Then we can take it from there.
That conversation, above, is almost verbatim one that I had with a client. They stayed the entire session. And then, the next week, they messaged me to tell me that they exercised the night before their big exam in order to help them study for it. That's a client that now sees the cost/benefit equation of exercise vs. school very differently.
Of course, there were also a few a conversation that went like this:
Client: I don't want to work out today.
Body Positive Trainer: Why? What's holding you back?
Client: I feel really run down lately. I am just...tired.
Body Positive Trainer: How's your sleep been?
Client: It's been terrible. I am tossing and turning all night. It's so weird. I got tons of exercise in last week- I should be sleeping really well. But I am not, and my muscles still feel really sore from my work out three days ago.
Body Positive Trainer: Hmm...that doesn't sound like you're just 'tired'. That sounds like your body may be experiencing legitimate fatigue. It might be sending us signals that you need a bit of a break. I think we should postpone this session and respect your body. What do you think?
Client: Maybe. I just really don't feel up for it.
Sure enough, the next day, I got a message from the client saying that they were legitimately sick.
Not training the day before was the healthiest choice they could make.
In both scenarios, the key was the same: the first step was the uncover the barrier to motivation.
By asking "What's holding you back?", instead of "What's your excuse?", we create a judgement free space that allows us to really dig into the barriers to change, and uncover the root of the issue.
"What's holding you back?" is a neutral question. It doesn't imply than an explanation is owed, but opens up a space for judgement free dialogue about barriers.
Sometimes, the barriers are something that we can overcome.
Sometimes, they aren't.
But we don't know unless we ask, which means that we have to start from a legitimate place of respecting our change process, and understanding that change doesn't happen in a linear fashion. Habits, like everything else in life, ebb and flow and evolve and regress. Often, there are reasons behind these patterns that we aren't even aware of.
A What's Holding You Back? mentality allows us to validate the feelings associated with lifestyle and behaviour change, including fear and insecurity, and recognizes that a variety of factors affect our ability to effect change at any given moment.
Sometimes, you actually don't have time.
Sometimes, you actually don't have the energy.
Sometimes, you actually can't afford it, or don't know how to afford it.
Sometimes, you just need a break.
All of these things can be valid reasons for stepping away and catching your breath.
And yes, sometimes, your brain is playing tricks on you and you find out:
that you can find time,
that you do have the energy,
that you can learn skills that are economical and accessible for all levels.
that you need to move more than you think you do and
that it will make you feel better.
But unless you dig a little deeper and find out what's actually holding you back, you're never going to know.
Sometimes, the biggest hurdle to change is feeling like you have no support, no one to talk to.
Sometimes, someone asking you "What's holding you back?" is literally the best thing they can do for you.
Approach others- and yourself- with the non-judgmental presumption that we are all trying to do the very best we can for ourselves, with the tools that we have at the time.
You'll be amazed at what you can uncover when you start with that assumption.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
#SBC Day 2: "I owe nothing."
Everyone's got an excuse for everything.
Right?!?
That's like the number 1 principle in the fitness industry.
Otherwise, why would we have memes like this one:
Or this one:
Or this one?
And surely we all remember this one??
As a trainer and fitness professional, I hear talk about "excuses" a lot. I even talk to myself about them- "You've got this, Zita. No excuses." I'll tell myself, as I am prepping to lift my heaviest weight of the day. There's no two ways about it- in this industry, the belief is that if you aren't successful (read: perfect), it's because you are making excuses.
And it's not just fitness. We hear this same reasoning in virtually everything we do.
Stop making excuses and start doing.
If only it were that simple, right?
They say we've created a "culture of excuses".
That this is the root of all failed progress...
This morning, I woke up feeling like the weight of the world was crushing my chest.
Before even getting out of bed, I was in tears.
By the time I made it to the washroom, the tears had exploded into a full panic attack.
I spent the next 10 minutes on the bathroom floor, praying that my children wouldn't find me.
Why? Who knows. Maybe it's because I was up all night with sickness, likely from a gluten sensitivity that the world keeps insisting doesn't exist.
Or it could be something else.
Truth be told, it could be dozens of things that sent me over the edge. This month alone, I have lost a friend to domestic violence. I am working almost twice as much as I am used to because I am covering shifts for someone who lost a family member. I am completely swamped in the roughly 100 pages of projects that I have to turn in over the next 10 days. I am coping with a very real, very scary family crisis that is not ready for public disclosure. I had a fight with my best friend. I had a fight with my husband. My kids have been alternating insomnia-sleep patterns for weeks.
I'd just had enough. My body needed to release the tension. And so the volcano erupted and tears came.
I sat down to my social media account and wrote a long paragraph, something along the lines of "Dear friends, please don't take it personally if I am distant or unable to be a supportive resource for you over the next few weeks. I am drowning a bit, and while I will do my best, I need to take care of myself right now."
It wouldn't have been the first time I had written something like this. It wouldn't have been the first time this month.
Of course, it doesn't stop others from trying to take my time and pressure me into taking on more than I can.
But maybe they just don't understand. Maybe I just really need to explain to them...I just can't right now. I am overwhelmed. It is too much. I feel used, and disrespected, and pushed...I need space. I need to process. I need to focus on myself, just for a little while.
If I can just explain...
To me: an explanation.
But to others, an excuse?
What is the difference really?
Let's take a look at both those words, shall we?
Explanation:
Excuse: noun
Hmmm...funny. Those two definitions really aren't all that different at all. In fact, it appears that explanation is mostly just a euphemism for excuse. Or rather, excuse is a dysphemism for explanation- as it is implies that the explanation is being given in order to abdicate responsibility, or justify something 'bad'.
So really, whether something is an explanation or an excuse really comes down to how the person receiving the information wants to perceive it.
And that's when I realized it. Inadvertently, I was falling into the exact trap that I had written about yesterday.
I was about to give ownership of my own personal power to others, for no reason except that society says that I should.
You see, in both 'explanation' and 'excuse', there is an implication of accountability. That I owe someone an explanation for what I did or did not do.
"Why don't you work out more?
I work two jobs, am raising two kids, have mental health issues and can't afford a gym.
Everyone's got an excuse. If it was a priority, you'd find a way."
We've all heard something along those lines in our lives.
But here's the thing.
I don't owe you, or anyone else, anything.
Really. Unless I am parenting you, am married to you, or have some other binding agreement with you- I don't owe you anything.
Not my excuses.
Not my explanation.
I owe you nothing.
This is particularly true in matters that relate to my own body, my health- physical, emotional, mental- and well-being or my time,
I owe you nothing.
We are all operating under this false premise that we somehow need to account for our decisions when it comes to our bodies and our wellness. That we need justify, defend, or vindicate our choices.
Because we have been told that our bodies don't belong to us, that our time must be accounted for, that our actions must conform to standards that others dictate.
The world, not you, gets to decide if your night of watching netflix and eating junk food qualifies as 'rest' and 'self care' or 'lazy' and 'promoting unhealthy lifestyles' (hint: the answer tends to depend on how much fat your have on your body.)
When it demands explanations, or accuses you of excuses, the world is literally saying that you owe it your time, your energy, and your actions.
And you don't.
But the world can be one hell of a bully.
It demands answers; answers it has absolutely no right to demand.
And we cave. Because we have always been told we have to.
We offer explanations to try to minimize the guilt and the shame we feel over things we should not feel guilt or shame over.
The world says that they are excuses.
We are told that we are the reason for all of our failures. That if we only did more, worked hard, tried new things, dreamed bigger dreams, gave more of ourselves, took less for granted...that we would be happy.
We feel more shame. We feel more guilt. We promise to do better.
Sometimes we even say things like "I need someone to hold me accountable."
We exacerbate the problem.
And when we have nothing left to give...we fail.
Because the entire thing is a set up.
The human body and spirit can not possibly do everything we are demanding it to do.
It is literally impossible for everything in your life to be a priority.
So which will you choose?
Family?
Fitness?
Diet?
Work?
Friends?
Self-Care?
Sleep?
Regardless of what doesn't make the top of the list, you will hear the same line:
"There's no excuse. You just aren't making it a priority."
We literally can not win.
And in this process, we have become so alienated from our bodies and our right to self-determination that we feel the need to apologize for not seeing our friends, skipping the gym, for having a cookie, not reading to our kids every night, for not making [insert activity here] a priority.
And when we do so, we re-enforce to others and to ourselves that we are not 'empowered'
We confirm to others that they have the right to dictate to us how we allocate our time, our energy and our resources.
We perpetuate the vicious cycle that prevents us from truly caring for ourselves the way that we need to.
What's your excuse?
Nothing.
Aren't you going to explain yourself?
No.
You don't owe anyone an explanation.
You are not required to make excuses.
You can simply 'do'.
You do not require permission or forgiveness for how you live your life.
And when you begin to decide that...
When you begin to understand that only you can really determine what areas of your life require your immediate attention, and what things are worth you mental, physical and emotional energy...
When you begin to see that the whole thing is a lie; that no one can actually live up to the impossible standards that we are setting for ourselves; that everyone feels like a failure some of the time, but that you alone have the power to decide what makes you feel successful...
That's when you start to take control of the process.
That's when you start to do the things that motivate you, not because of some extrinsic sense of accountability, but because you are compelled by deep-seeded, intrinsic hopes, dreams and desires.
That's where magic happens.
So no, today I will not post an explanation for taking a step back from imagined responsibilities and focusing in on real ones.
Today, I will not apologize for sitting down for an hour and writing this post. And then sitting down for another two and writing my paper. And then working for five hours and earning money for my family.
And if I don't make it to the gym, so be it.
And if I don't manage eight hours of sleep, I'll live.
And if I don't get back to your texts today, you'll live.
If it's an emergency, call 911.
<3 Love, Zita.
Right?!?
That's like the number 1 principle in the fitness industry.
Otherwise, why would we have memes like this one:
Or this one:
Or this one?
And surely we all remember this one??
As a trainer and fitness professional, I hear talk about "excuses" a lot. I even talk to myself about them- "You've got this, Zita. No excuses." I'll tell myself, as I am prepping to lift my heaviest weight of the day. There's no two ways about it- in this industry, the belief is that if you aren't successful (read: perfect), it's because you are making excuses.
And it's not just fitness. We hear this same reasoning in virtually everything we do.
Stop making excuses and start doing.
If only it were that simple, right?
They say we've created a "culture of excuses".
That this is the root of all failed progress...
This morning, I woke up feeling like the weight of the world was crushing my chest.
Before even getting out of bed, I was in tears.
By the time I made it to the washroom, the tears had exploded into a full panic attack.
I spent the next 10 minutes on the bathroom floor, praying that my children wouldn't find me.
Why? Who knows. Maybe it's because I was up all night with sickness, likely from a gluten sensitivity that the world keeps insisting doesn't exist.
Or it could be something else.
Truth be told, it could be dozens of things that sent me over the edge. This month alone, I have lost a friend to domestic violence. I am working almost twice as much as I am used to because I am covering shifts for someone who lost a family member. I am completely swamped in the roughly 100 pages of projects that I have to turn in over the next 10 days. I am coping with a very real, very scary family crisis that is not ready for public disclosure. I had a fight with my best friend. I had a fight with my husband. My kids have been alternating insomnia-sleep patterns for weeks.
I'd just had enough. My body needed to release the tension. And so the volcano erupted and tears came.
I sat down to my social media account and wrote a long paragraph, something along the lines of "Dear friends, please don't take it personally if I am distant or unable to be a supportive resource for you over the next few weeks. I am drowning a bit, and while I will do my best, I need to take care of myself right now."
It wouldn't have been the first time I had written something like this. It wouldn't have been the first time this month.
Of course, it doesn't stop others from trying to take my time and pressure me into taking on more than I can.
But maybe they just don't understand. Maybe I just really need to explain to them...I just can't right now. I am overwhelmed. It is too much. I feel used, and disrespected, and pushed...I need space. I need to process. I need to focus on myself, just for a little while.
If I can just explain...
To me: an explanation.
But to others, an excuse?
What is the difference really?
Let's take a look at both those words, shall we?
Explanation:
noun
Excuse: noun
- 1.a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense."there can be no possible excuse for any further delay"
synonyms: justification, defense, reason, explanation, mitigating circumstances, mitigation,vindication
"that's no excuse for stealing"
Hmmm...funny. Those two definitions really aren't all that different at all. In fact, it appears that explanation is mostly just a euphemism for excuse. Or rather, excuse is a dysphemism for explanation- as it is implies that the explanation is being given in order to abdicate responsibility, or justify something 'bad'.
So really, whether something is an explanation or an excuse really comes down to how the person receiving the information wants to perceive it.
And that's when I realized it. Inadvertently, I was falling into the exact trap that I had written about yesterday.
I was about to give ownership of my own personal power to others, for no reason except that society says that I should.
You see, in both 'explanation' and 'excuse', there is an implication of accountability. That I owe someone an explanation for what I did or did not do.
"Why don't you work out more?
I work two jobs, am raising two kids, have mental health issues and can't afford a gym.
Everyone's got an excuse. If it was a priority, you'd find a way."
We've all heard something along those lines in our lives.
But here's the thing.
I don't owe you, or anyone else, anything.
Really. Unless I am parenting you, am married to you, or have some other binding agreement with you- I don't owe you anything.
Not my excuses.
Not my explanation.
I owe you nothing.
This is particularly true in matters that relate to my own body, my health- physical, emotional, mental- and well-being or my time,
I owe you nothing.
We are all operating under this false premise that we somehow need to account for our decisions when it comes to our bodies and our wellness. That we need justify, defend, or vindicate our choices.
Because we have been told that our bodies don't belong to us, that our time must be accounted for, that our actions must conform to standards that others dictate.
The world, not you, gets to decide if your night of watching netflix and eating junk food qualifies as 'rest' and 'self care' or 'lazy' and 'promoting unhealthy lifestyles' (hint: the answer tends to depend on how much fat your have on your body.)
When it demands explanations, or accuses you of excuses, the world is literally saying that you owe it your time, your energy, and your actions.
And you don't.
But the world can be one hell of a bully.
It demands answers; answers it has absolutely no right to demand.
And we cave. Because we have always been told we have to.
We offer explanations to try to minimize the guilt and the shame we feel over things we should not feel guilt or shame over.
The world says that they are excuses.
We are told that we are the reason for all of our failures. That if we only did more, worked hard, tried new things, dreamed bigger dreams, gave more of ourselves, took less for granted...that we would be happy.
We feel more shame. We feel more guilt. We promise to do better.
Sometimes we even say things like "I need someone to hold me accountable."
We exacerbate the problem.
And when we have nothing left to give...we fail.
Because the entire thing is a set up.
The human body and spirit can not possibly do everything we are demanding it to do.
It is literally impossible for everything in your life to be a priority.
So which will you choose?
Family?
Fitness?
Diet?
Work?
Friends?
Self-Care?
Sleep?
Regardless of what doesn't make the top of the list, you will hear the same line:
"There's no excuse. You just aren't making it a priority."
We literally can not win.
And in this process, we have become so alienated from our bodies and our right to self-determination that we feel the need to apologize for not seeing our friends, skipping the gym, for having a cookie, not reading to our kids every night, for not making [insert activity here] a priority.
And when we do so, we re-enforce to others and to ourselves that we are not 'empowered'
We confirm to others that they have the right to dictate to us how we allocate our time, our energy and our resources.
We perpetuate the vicious cycle that prevents us from truly caring for ourselves the way that we need to.
What's your excuse?
Nothing.
Aren't you going to explain yourself?
No.
You don't owe anyone an explanation.
You are not required to make excuses.
You can simply 'do'.
You do not require permission or forgiveness for how you live your life.
And when you begin to decide that...
When you begin to understand that only you can really determine what areas of your life require your immediate attention, and what things are worth you mental, physical and emotional energy...
When you begin to see that the whole thing is a lie; that no one can actually live up to the impossible standards that we are setting for ourselves; that everyone feels like a failure some of the time, but that you alone have the power to decide what makes you feel successful...
That's when you start to take control of the process.
That's when you start to do the things that motivate you, not because of some extrinsic sense of accountability, but because you are compelled by deep-seeded, intrinsic hopes, dreams and desires.
That's where magic happens.
So no, today I will not post an explanation for taking a step back from imagined responsibilities and focusing in on real ones.
Today, I will not apologize for sitting down for an hour and writing this post. And then sitting down for another two and writing my paper. And then working for five hours and earning money for my family.
And if I don't make it to the gym, so be it.
And if I don't manage eight hours of sleep, I'll live.
And if I don't get back to your texts today, you'll live.
If it's an emergency, call 911.
<3 Love, Zita.
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